"we jump to conclusions so you don't have to"

The Nerds Had Their Revenge
The fire’s out for the Burning Sensation after a downright massacre.

Only the smoldering remains are left of the once ablaze Burning Sensation quiz bowl team after taking on the Revenge of the Nerds. Scoring a less than sensational hundred points, the Burning Sensation was easily outplayed by the superior team of Nerds, who doubled their opponent’s pathetic score.

Former Sensation captain, Nik Hitchcock, fiery with rage, is disgusted with his teams despicable performance, “We knew we had no chance anyway, but I’m quite sure that telling the judge to kiss my ass didn’t help us any.”

Revenge of the Nerds blasted off to an early lead, and their superiority was never challenged throughout the match. “We had some pretty decent scorage today,” comments Kevin Hansen, “Needless to say; I was on top of all aspects of the game.”

“It was a heated battle,” explained Jake Freiburger, outstanding scorer for the Nerds, “we quickly extinguished the opposition, and then victory was ours.”

The final Quiz Bowl showdown between the Revenge of the Nerds and their arch rivals, Team Fission, will take place sixth hour Friday.

Team Fission Pulls Off Shocking Upset of Battalion
Friday’s Final Showdown Set.

In a tournament Cinderella story not seen since the likes of Valparaiso or Gonzaga, Team Fission ripped off yet another upset, silencing the critics and busting the brackets of numerous office pools.

Fission demolished the Battalion of Death by a score of 315-200 in their semifinal Quiz Bowl match, advancing to play Revenge of the Nerds, who defeated The Burning Sensation on Thursday.

Not only was Fission’s total score one of the all-time highest in Quiz Bowl history, but the team also pulled off one of the most stunning comebacks ever. Just over eight minutes into the game, Fission trailed the Battalion 160-45. Fission then correctly answered eight consecutive toss-ups, en route to a 170-0 run, bringing the score to 215-160. The Battalion of Death scored a meager 40 points in a 25 minute span.

Fission continues to succeed in the tournament against all odds. Many Quiz Bowl experts predicted the team to be defeated in the first round, much less advance to the finals. Many thought Fission would be slaughtered in the semifinals, and even many team members had doubts.

“The Battalion of Death is going to rape us, I want some chicken.” Dan Gonzalez reportedly said before the match.

The full entourage of Team Fission was not in action on Thursday, as Mark Ensign was reportedly attending some form of a “Mormon ritual” and will also not be present for the final match. Alternate Bob Krogmeier was engrossed in Variety Show Auditions, so Fission was forced to use the infamous Quiz Bowl failure Matt Lichti as a replacement. Battalion of Death agreed to this move saying, “Bwah, hah, hah, we will destroy you anyways.”

Despite his team’s poor performance, Battalion member Tom Duggan was named MVP of the match.

Goatz Feel ‘Disgruntled’ After Devastating Defeat.
Team Fission advances to Final Four.

Despite some attempted pre-match intimidation, Team Fission was not shaken and managed to pull together an 80-point trouncing of the Disgruntled Goatz in their Elite Eight Quiz Bowl match on Monday by a score of 165-85.

The team made up of self-proclaimed “smart jocks” didn’t even make a contest out of the match, as the all-band kid Fission erased all doubts as to their trivia competence. “You guys better be scared, cause the Goatz strongest muscle is the brain …Oh wait,” Disgruntled team member Brad Hemesath said before the match.

After jumping out to a 45-0 lead, the Goatz managed to close it to a 15 point game, but once Mark Ensign correctly identified the capital of Nova Scotia, it was all downhill from there.

“After MFBFCSAKB’s poor showing, I think we are the true MFBFCS, not only because we are extremely smart, but also because we are completely comprised of band kids.” said Fission-member Emily Veach. It must also be noted that Emily Veach scored no points throughout the entire match.

Notably absent from the dominating performance of Team Fission, was first-round MVP Dan Gonzalez. Team members were baffled as to the disappearance of their leading scorer, but managed to get along quite well without him. “Had we lost, I would have been very pissed. If we weren’t playing the Battalion of Death in the next round, Dan wouldn’t even be on Fissions anymore.” Alternate Bob Krogmeier said. Team Captain Josh Weinhold noted that he figures Gonzalez was “at home, playing video games, not working, getting welfare, and eating chicken” instead of showing allegiance to his team by participating in Quiz Bowl.

Revenge of the Nerds Smash the Opposition Yet Again.
The River City Rockers drop from the charts after being crushed in a recent quiz bowl match.

Revenge of the Nerds was victorious again on Tuesday over the River City Rockers with their 160-135 with their break away last minute answer. "We like to start out from behind and come back for the win. You gotta keep fans on the edge of their seats", said team captain Kevin Hansen. At one point, the Rockers had a 60 point lead. "I don't know what happened, I was pretty lost throughout the entire match, I'm just glad that somebody knew what Atomic Theory was", Aaron Hemmer stated for the EqOnion. Nick Dryer, breaking down in tears while he was leaving the match, cried, "There's nothing left for me now. The only thing I can do is quit my job, get unemployment, and find a way to defeat my arch nemesis Dan Gonzalez."

Team Jester is a Complete Joke
Burning Sensation sails by with a 145 point margin of victory.

The Burning Sensation continues its total dominance of the Hempstead Quiz Bowl, with a smashing 245-100 victory over the infamous ramble of A-wingers, Team Jester. Despite their early 25-0 lead, the Burning Sensation came back stronger than ever, despite a clearly stacked deck involving primarily theatre and music related questions. "You can't stop The Burning Sensation," says team captain Brian Schmitt, "the only team that might have been able to compete with us was Soph Serve Ice Cream, which unfortunately was on the other side of the bracket and eliminated early." "I am ashamed of our horrible defeat," said Jester member Erin Nebel, "I just hope we dont get put in the hall of shame."

"We are ready to go, and we won't be defeated," says Tim Clay, Sensation member, "When the day is gone and the sun goes down and the moon is shining through, The Burning Sensation will arise victorious."

Soph Serve Ice Cream Completely Annihilated
MFBFCSAKB advances to the Elite Eight.

The Soph Serve Ice Cream took the lead at the beginning of the game, answering the first three toss up questions correctly. After taking an early lead of 40 to nothing, an overconfident John Lambert exclaimed, “Is this it? Is this all you can conjure MFBFCSAKB?” Just then, MFBFCSAKB had a massive winning streak and by half-time, they had more than doubled the Soph’s score. MFBFCSAKB continued to dominate in the second half, winning 205 to 95. “We kicked some ass,” a victorious Nathaniel Perlewitz commented, “It seems that Stemper is almost as bad at quiz bowl as he is at playing Halo.” Stemper had been extremely cocky before the match and even wrote an editorial that appears on the EqOnion opinion page. “We never had a chance,” complained a defeated Alex Brimeyer, “They had two National Merit Scholars, three band members, two EqOnion staff members, and my vastly more intelligent sister.” After their recent victory, MFBFCSAKB is expected to go all the way and become this year's quiz bowl champs.

Seven EqOnion staff members competed in this year's quiz bowl on five different teams. All of them have won their first round games and advanced to the Elite Eight.

Overnight Men Can't Get Rid of The Burning Sensation
Craig Kilburg scores less points in match than on ACT.

It was slated to be the quiz bowl match of the century. But despite predictions of a fairly even game, The Burning Sensation gave The Overnight Men one of the most decisive and embarrassing losses in Hempstead Quiz Bowl history, losing 35-210. "I'm a complete failure," said Kilburg, " I don't know why I even showed up." "It was our game," said Sensation team Captain Brian Schmitt, "I said it before and I'll say it again, you can't get rid of The Burning Sensation." It should be noted that Schmitt answered more questions correctly than Kilburg.

The Burning Sensation started off the match with 50 unanswered points, and kept the lead for the entire game, finishing up the game with a confirmed school record 165 point spread. Halftime gave Sensation a 110-20 lead, and not until the last 15 seconds did the Overnight Men score another point. Kilburg and the entire Overnight Men team have been officially inducted into the EqOnion Hall of Shame, along with losers, Cory McDermott, and other members of Team Fusion. See the Hall of Shame by clicking here.

Revenge of the Nerds Destroys the Leftovers
The Leftovers were crushed by the Nerds, 115 to 110.

In a quiz bowl match that was barely worth watching, EqOnion staff members, Josh Lichti and President Jake Freiburger's team, easily advanced to the second round of the quiz bowl. "While some may say that five points is the smallest amount you could possibly win by, overall the match was not even close," said team captain, Kevin Hansen, "by the end I was intentionally missing questions just for the hell of it." "Sure, they led for almost the entire game, but it was clear throughout the match which team would prevail," said Khalid El Khatib. "I was scared, I thought we were gonna lose in the first round, I can't believe how well the Leftovers did," said Josh Lichti, before receiving a dirty look from Hansen, "errr. I mean we were just playing with them. The score didn't reflect the fact that we blew them away." The Nerds are still confident they will make it to the final round. "Its too bad team Fusion is out of the way, I was looking forward to mopping the floor with C-Mac's massive skull," said Jake.

Team Fusion Can’t Bring it Together
Team Fission breaks down Team Fusion in first round quiz bowl competition.

The auditorium was filled with intensity and pressure in the opening round of Hempstead’s Quiz Bowl. As the mushroom clouds faded, the defeated demeanor of Cory McDermott and Eric Wilson was prevalent. Not only were they upset about a massive 30 point defeat, but a nuclear hatred against Dan Gonzalez was apparent. “I hate Dan Gonzalez,” Katie Potts remarked. Other team members had different feelings for Dan. “My performance would have been much better had I not been so distracted by the ultra-hot Dan Gonzalez. Shaved heads are sexy,” said C-Mac, member of the losing team.

After the fallout, Team Fission member Mark Ensign said, “You’re not so hot now are you Fusion.” When asked about his feelings about scoring a 233 on the PSAT yet being knocked out in the first round of quiz bowl, agitated Fusion Eric Wilson commented, “It feels like shit.”