"we jump to conclusions so you don't have to"

Once again, as the principal of Hempstead High School, I must protest.

In the article about the savage attempts by Mr. Oswald to take over the universe, the last line stated that I was unavailable for comment. It is only more proof that Oswald's power has begun to permeate the fibers of our school. I was available, but Oswald, manipulated the EQOnion staff into believing I was not. I am always available for comment, and always willing to share the truth with the EQ Onion.

David Olson, Principal.


who is writing this crap! i think i can officially say that the eqonion is dead. nothing good has come out of it for half a year. do something u lazy bastards. at least make up for the lack of good material with a ton of crappy material. I'm clinically retarded and i could do better than you. who are the real writers now any way? heres an example of my work. ENJOY!

monkeys live in the jungle.....dirty diapers have poop in them.....monkeys will dress old people in the future.....you damn dirty apes! one time i stole a monkey from the zoo and kept it in a shoe box. It lived there for 10 years and i named it Bill Braskey. It grew up and murdered my pet dog. then he ran for Governor in California and WON! he had an affair with an intern and it was on the news. then the monkey died. but the intern had a monkey baby and so the circle of life continues.

The above article didn't even make sense and its still better than what you have been writing. i hope my email persuades you to write some more articles. Even if they are articles making fun of me. If that happens i have fulfilled my purpose.

its not too hard to figure out who i am JUST DO SOMETHING!

Woah, enough with the political commentary. If I wanted to listen to that crap I would watch that big blubbering vagina Bill O'Reilly or the Clinton News Network (CNN). We must band together in a non-partisan coalition to lampoon all politicians in a fair and un-biased manner. It sickens me that any of you can wholeheartedly support anything a politician says.

We must return to the days when a politician was judged not on his party affiliation, but his voting record, reading skills, or preference for plump white house interns. Enough with the political rants. Let's discuss a lighter topic like genocide or favorite ice cream flavors.

-Someone who holds allegiance to no man's party

P.S. Any true American should unquestioningly support TWAT.

Dear Godless liberals and libertarians:

I would like to commend the opinion writer who first challenged the tree hugging hippies at the eqOnion. However, I was saddened to learn that all of the opinions were written by liberals and libertarians and not by the only truly patriotic Americans, conservatives like me. I for one oppose Asians and Mexicans getting married as well as allowing them to have jobs, regardless of whether they live in foreign countries, are immigrants, or U.S. citizens. Allowing such things goes against the teachings of Jesus and everything this country was founded on. It is apparent that most of the EqOnion readership has been brainwashed by their atheist professors / econ challenge coaches / choir directors.

Recently, it has come to my attention that our supposedly “conservative” president Bush not only allows Mexicans and Asians to work and have families but actively encourages these sinful acts. The fact of the matter is that Bush can only be considered conservative by our radically liberal media.

President Bush even refused to intervene when Alabama Chief Court Justice Roy Moore was kicked off the bench for displaying the 10 commandments. A recent survey taken at Oral Roberts University showed that more than 97% of Americans support Roy Moore’s principled stance against religious persecution by the godless liberals. While they may say that judges should be making rulings based on actual laws rather than religious beliefs, this argument quickly evaporates when one reads the U.S Constitution and 10 commandments. These two documents are almost identical. In fact, the founding fathers committed blatant copyright violation when they copied God’s laws almost word for word into the U.S. Constitution.

In light of these facts, it would be immoral for me to cast my vote for a man like George W. Bush who sits idly by while the godless liberals take away our freedom. That is why any truly patriotic American will encourage Roy Moore to run for president and restore godly values to the white house. This great man is already a big supporter of the Constitution Party, the third largest party in America, and will make the decision to run for President at their convention in June.

A man who stands for true freedom

P.S sign the petition to draft Roy Moore for President here.

Dear confused everybody,

Until this election cycle, the Democratic party has always been the party of free trade. The economic boom during the Clinton years had a lot to do with Clinton's signing of NAFTA. This hasn't changed now. Yeah, it sucks jobs are going to China, but the solution is not to get rid of NAFTA, and Kerry has not supported this. He says he supports improving NAFTA. He is not a protectionist, but is simply winning some easy voters away from President Bu-shit, by saying he cares about their jobs. Its called politics. Kerry realizes ending NAFTA would not be a good thing, so calm down. So I don't know where all of you people got the idea that free trade is a conservative idea, but pull your heads out of your asses and read a goddamn book.

And to the reader who claims Republicans stand for individual rights, not Democrats, I can't think of a damn case where this would be true, other than the right to own weapons grade plutonium and a rocket launcher. Lets see Republicans are currently attempting to write descrimination into the constitution simply because Mel Gibson's cash cow Jesus told them that God hates fags. Sounds like a party of individual rights to me.

Just remember: Free trade = liberal idea( although I'd never call Joe *I look like Emperor Palpitine* Lieberman a liberal).

The X President

PS- Since when did this site become so goddamn serious? Lighten up! Think about all the fun Dubya's having getting boys my age killed in Iraq!

PPS- Donald Rumsfeld will be the first one up against the wall when the revolution comes.

Dear Confused Liberal,

I will merely comment briefly on your final comments about economics, and then lay into your seemingly innocent but actually far more incorrect statement you made in your P.S. First off, you claim that there the economic arguments presented by my colleagues are merely conservative economics. While certainly true in my case, you would be surprised to know that the economics so far presented in these opinions represent mainstream economic thinking, i.e., the economic beliefs of about 90% of economists, i.e., free trade is good.

The fact that many people in America such as yourself do not believe this is not really a matter of a difference of opinion, but simply an ignorance about how the world works; so I will not criticize you to strongly for holding such childish economic opinions. But as to your claim that the Democratic Party is one that champions individual rights, I will show no mercy. The Democratic Party, well, I should specify, the more liberal of the Democratic Party, represent the exact opposite of individual rights, they represent group rights. They believe that rights are not something granted to individual people, but to groups.

Take for example, affirmative action. The important thing is not that the most qualified people are accepted, but rather that the rights of racial groups are not infringed by ensuring that close to equal numbers of every race are accepted. The democrats are a party that believes that who you are and what you think is determined by your ethnic identity, hence the need for "diversity" in basically everything. There is no need to seek out diversity of thought, because according to them, what you think is determined by your skin color, and as long as you have diversity of skin color you automatically have diversity of opinion.

Individual rights are not the right to free health care, the right to a job, and the right to be free from the consequences of your actions. These are not freedoms at all, they are the removal of other people's freedoms. The right to health care is the removal of other people's rights to spend their own money. The right to a job is the removal of someone else's right to choose who they employ.

And perhaps the most amusing is liberals' demands to be free of the consequences of their actions. They believe that when they rail against whatever evil the conservatives may currently be up to, no one should be allowed to criticize their criticisms, and if people actually decide that they no longer want to support the people whose opinions they don't like, for example, the Dixie Chicks, then they scream censorship, and demand that actors and musician's opinions be accepted by everyone.

So no, I reject your argument that liberals are champions of individual rights. The women's movement, civil rights, and gay rights, while important, should not be focused on gaining rights for groups of people, they should be focused on spreading the reality that who you are is not defined by the groups you happen to be a part of by the unfortunate accident of birth, and yes, I do believe that being gay is just something you are born with, not a sinful choice as many ignorant religious people would have you believe.

To conclude, I will only say this: individual rights are not something supported by the Democratic Party, because liberals believe that group identity is what matters, and that the purpose of people's lives is to serve others. Individual rights mean that you control your own destiny, and that no one else, no Party, no President, no person can ever be justified in demanding a claim on your life.

-Someone who clearly has a problem with liberals

P.S. I will work on your Iraq War stuff in another letter

Dear eqEconomists, Concerned Liberals, and their comrades:

I will admit I have no expertise in economics, and did not mean to set off an angry firestorm of comments. However, when I worry about America and the world and what it needs, I don't concentrate on the macroeconomic export rate of nonperishable raw materials from Eastern Asia or an increase in Asian-Mexican marriages. I only speak from what I see, how it has affected the people.

1,000 jobs lost at Farmland. 300 jobs lost with the closure of Eagle's supermarkets. John Deere has 1/5 of the jobs it had in its heyday. On top of it all, gasoline, bills, and the cost of living is not going down, but skyrocketing up. On an Excel graph, the problems may not look that bad, but in the reality of the small-town Midwest we are faced with, the problems are disheartening, and will continue to decline. In history, when industries such as blacksmithing and stenography declined, there was always a new, better industry, such as information technology, to supplant it. Our new industry? Tourism.

Exporting jobs is not inherently bad, but the implementation is horrid. People working in third-world nations may be a little bit better off, but are still living in conditions that we would consider to be dire poverty. With NAFTA and the proposed FTAA, companies in the Americas do not have to pay any tariffs on their imports. If Bush is trying to improve the economy, he is sadly mistaken, as tax receipts will go down catastrophically. True, prices are lower on good, but the only time this benefit is passed on to the consumers is in the land that only supports the gleaming region better known as Bentonville, Arkansas.

Corporate finances may appear to benefit from this move in the short term, but logic will dictate the future eventually. Wal-Mart and Grand Harbor wages will eventually create a condition where people, save fat-cat executives, will only be able to afford Wal-Mart goods. In turn, other companies with different suppliers will flounder. Many of those suppliers are global operations, effectively dooming distribution of goods worldwide. True economic efficiency will have been achieved, at the expense of losing most of the consumers who would buy the goods.

Jobs should not at all be saved for American people, as diversity can only strengthen our economy; what I am trying to state is that fair wages should be paid to everyone, regardless of background or location. Whether this will take government cooperation, corporate reform, or a good dose of Catholic liberal (oxymoron?) prayer, my economic misunderstanding cannot confirm. Yet, I know that changes need to be made, and the man who taketh freedom of individuals and giveth freedom to corporations will not succeed. If we keep moving jobs instead of creating jobs, there will never be enough supply for all six billion of our world's inhabitants. A little food aid is here good or there, but investment in places that can only get better by the private sector, who will benefit with the right moves, can truly make a nation better. Britain did not lose any jobs when America was colonized; rather, we just made new ones.

Laugh if you will, but here is my freshmanly thesis on economics. Once again, I don't speak from the statistics, I speak from reality. Like Concerned Liberal, Democrats and Republicans keep each other in check. No utopian blend will ever be created, but our bicameral legislature is already a step towards partisan progress, and both have made steps toward a good society. However, I still believe that the changes that need to be made lay in the minds of the liberal, for now. Thank you for reading, and let this site continue as an open forum on everything, a place to express concerns, and a place to raise blood pressure to dangerous levels every once in a while.

-Another Concerned Reader

P.S. Econ Challenge is cooler for at least another year, or until choir gets rid of the garish white tuxedos. Pimpin, bow-tied vocalists, man.

Concerned Libertarian, Concerned Capitalist Citizen, Concerned Defender of Freedom, Concerned Economist, and other Concerned Capitalist:

I definitely didn't set out to engage in an angry liberal crusade about labor, as my original posting dealt entirely with gay rights and the war in Iraq. The first letter I sent that had anything to do with economics was simply defending the statements of another liberal who had posted earlier, and the second was correcting inaccurate assumptions made about my earlier statements.

The plethora of responding articles have been a mountain of conservative economic explanations that, though great in detail and thorough in explanation, are still conservative economic explanations, and there are many people out there right now of economic minds that would have astute responses to them all. But as one person for whom economics isn't the principal area of expertise, I concede that I'm not going to win an argument if its going to be me vs. a horde of angry A.P. Econ writers. Again, my original posting never even mentioned economics, so if you're going to focus on something I wrote focus on my views on Iraq and gay rights.

- Concerned Liberal

P.S.- To Concerned Libertarian: I am of the mind that if either major party had complete control of the system, it would overrun the rights of the American people. They keep each other in check, because they both should be kept in check. Point is, Democrats definitely aren't destroying America. They've been on the side of the women's rights movement, of the civil rights movement, and the gay rights movement, all of which I care much more about than economics. I support your party and respect your criticism, but you can't say we're destroying America given our historical alignment with defending the rights of the individual.

Dear Treehugger:

I can imagine that it is far beyond your capacity to comprehend that there are people in this world that are neither liberal nor conservative, but rather libertarian. You can make fun of people who don't like gay marriage all you want, because quite frankly, I agree with you. But as to the rest of your arguments, I will not let them go unanswered.

You claim that citizens in foreign countries have no rights and therefore are forced to accept poverty wages is at first glance heart-rending, but as with most liberal arguments, not something that stands a reasoned, intelligent investigation. Yes, for many people in third world countries, there are two choices: work in a factory or starve. But it is still a choice that can be made, and to put it frankly, if most liberals such as yourself had any say, they wouldn't even have that choice. If liberals had their way, citizens of third world countries would not have to work in factories, they would not work at all. Liberals merely demand that America send endless amounts of foreign food aid to ease the plight of these impoverished foreigners. But it begs the question, if foreign citizens should not be allowed to have our jobs, why should they be allowed to have our handouts? Is it because you want them to be dependent upon you, that these inferior people who were not lucky enough to be born in the U.S. should be doomed to a life of begging for the scraps of of the infinitely beningn American liberals, who are simply looking out for the good of others.

I will say this explicitly: it is you who are keeping third world citizens in poverty, whether it is your food shipments that merely prevent farmers from earning a living, thus preventing the establishment of even the simplest of industries, or with your trade restrictions that ensure that only America is allowed to have technology-oriented jobs. The issue here is that just because someone has a job, they are by no means entitled to it forever. People hire other people not out of the goodness of their hearts, but because by engaging in a transaction (hiring a worker) they are better off than they would be without having made the transaction.

To say that American business owners can choose only American workers is to bring about the collectivist, anti-freedom societies evidentin Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia, and many of today's European countries. The issue here is freedom, freedom to choose who you will hire, freedom to choose from where you will buy things, and the freedom to reject liberal's and religious conservative's claims that they know what is right, and they are the final judges as to how you should live your life.

I can only hope that more people will come to the realization that it is the surrender of people's freedoms that will bring about the downfall of society, not Bush or Kerry or Ralph Nader, but the widespread acceptance that our leaders and our representatives know what is best for us.

So I say to Concerned liberal, say all you want about the tragedy of the unemployed American Joe, but remember that he will eventually find another job, whereas most likely you will never figure out that it is your and your intellectual companions that are destroying America.

- A concerned libertarian

Dear concerned conservative,

Firstly: I find it amusing that you fail to grasp that the opening paragraphs of my posting were a joke, being that I actually included in my text the sentence "Oh by the way, I was just foolin with writing from a middle ground, I'm writing from a very liberal ground."

Secondly: Intellectual debate my liberal butt, half of both your letters focused on Dan and Schroeder, which was funny and fine. Because I have the whereabouts to appreciate the occasional inclusion of humor in political discussion, so I hold nothing against you for throwing Dan and Schroeder into your writings, much as I included a sarcastic section about Jeb, including a portion mocking the historically conservative fear of race mixing which is similar to the contemporary conservative fear that same-sex coupled families will be the downfall of society.

Thirdly: I definitely never said anything bad about people of other races getting jobs, its about people in other nations getting jobs from American employers. I could care less about whether or not Mexicans marry Asians, what I'm concerned with is a Mexican-American citizen losing her job to a foreign citizen in a foreign country because the foreign citizen has to work for almost nothing or starve because they have no rights as a laborer. Due to this lack of rights, most sweatshop workers couldn't quit their jobs if they wanted to because their only alternative to sweatshops is poverty and concurrent starvation, so they endure oppression, much as Americans would be forced to do without labor laws. But we don't do that to Americans, that would be illegal, instead we just outsource their jobs.

-A concerned Liberal who's almost as tired of typing as Americans are of losing their jobs to the citizens of other nations.

P.S. Choir is definitely cooler than econ challenge. Green and gold robes, man.

Dear eqEconomists:

Why the hell didn't you all discuss wage rates in China and comparative advantage and such two days ago... BEFORE I so nicely bombed my AP Econ test on the very matter?! Check back when I get my weekend AP Econ assignment to see what you should debate next.

A Struggling AP Econ Student

Dear freedom-obstructing populace:

An old proverb once stated: if you teach a parrot to say “Demand and supply,” you have an economist. Given the issue at hand, I would listen to the parrot over your protectionist propaganda every time.

- Concerned Capitalist Citizen

Ok concerned liberal, we understand that you are extremely liberal, despite your claim that you want to argue from the "middle ground of common sense." While you may be able to back up your claims for the abolishment of free trade with a bunch of hippie whining about how Americans are losing jobs because other countries don't have as many "worker's rights," you are unable to back up your arguments with any substantiative logic.

The truth of the matter is that other countries compete in the global jobs market in the only way they can, by accepting low wages. Without these low wages, why would any foreign company risk opening operations in countries with inferior infrastructure and less stable companies? Without the ability to offer low wages, third world countries would remain so forever, because it would be impossible to ever attract capital goods (such as factory machinery) that allows countries to lift themselves out of the abject poverty that is inherent with an agrarian economy. Anyone with a knowledge of economics even slightly more advanced than that of Mr. Concerned Whiny Hippie clearly can see that free trade not only helps American consumers by reducing prices of goods, but also helps the citizens of third world countries by diversifying the economy and increasing the number of available jobs.

In fact, the entire premise behind this protectionist argument is thoroughly racist, Mr. Hippie is saying that simply because someone is American, they have more of a right to a job than someone in China or Mexico. The bottom line is, liberals go off on their angry rants because they can't come to grip with the fact that this is how the world actually works. People are better off when they are allowed to make their own choices, rather than having to obey the will of the people and simply do what is best for the "common good." This is the attitude being pushed by Mr. Hippie. He does not want you to make your own decisions, if he decrees that free trade is evil, then it is evil. If he declares that America does not have the right to defend itself from people who want to destroy it, then that is true also.

Liberals think that reality is whatever they want it to be, and it is this attitude that all freedom loving people the world over must fight. Help rid the country of Dan in 2004, vote Bush!

- A Concerned Defender of Freedom

P.S. Never take economic advice from someone in choir.

Dear Protectionist readers:

What, may I inquire, determines the wage rate of a worker? In the market economy known as the global community, the laws of supply and demand govern wage rate. Nowhere was it written in stone that China shall pay workers 3 cents an hour and force a thirteen hour workday. Nothing is written in stone; markets fluctuate; prices change; firms shut down. These are all truths of the business world. Now, why may we ask, is the going wage rate for China's sweatshop workers 3 cents an hour? Any clear minded economist would say, "Supply and Demand." (For simplicity, I'm going to focus my thoughts on China.)

Let's face it, China's got A LOT of people–this correlates to a massive labor force. The supply of labor in China is enormous. A greater supply of labor corresponds to a lower prevailing wage rate. Why would any rational entrepreneur hire a worker for $15 an hour when there are 75 people waiting to work for $2.50 a day? The answer is clear, the rational entrepreneur would not hire at $15 an hour if the prevailing wage was 2.50 a day.

Sure, some may argue that the businessman is exploiting labor, but is he really? There are hundreds, thousands (maybe millions) of sweatshops operating in China. The owners of these individual firms have very little control over the total market. Does it really matter which shop makes what good? No. What matters, is that each company produce at the lowest possible cost; this is the only possible way to achieve economic efficiency. Therefore, any firm paying more than normal wages for merely average workers, is not only acting unprofitably, but downright economically irresponsible.

No single person is forcing these laborers to toil in sweatshops–they work to survive. Though sweatshops are somewhat less than ideal working conditions, they are working conditions nonetheless. A worker who is employed by an outsourced American job is still a worker employed. Sweatshops may have long hours filled with difficult work, but isn't hard work better than starvation?

I don't think that there is anyone out there who can honestly say that they are glad to hear about the operation of sweatshops, but there is nothing an individual producer can do. Firms in perfectly competitive industries are at the whim of the industry and economy as a whole. If the situation is to improve, the economy must look to government. If the economy is suffering from a lack of demand, the government has more than enough funds to "prime the pump" as John Meynard Keynes so nicely put it. However, normative macroeconomics is a lecture I will save for another time.

- A Concerned Economist

P.S. This year's election is a win-win situation. If Bush wins, Dan leaves the country. If Bush loses...well, Bush loses. God Bless America.

Dear confused liberal:

I find it amusing that you claim to be neither liberal nor conservative but then sign your letter concerned liberal. I also find it amusing that you have turned an intellectual debate about economic policy into a forum for your enormous rant that includes a paragraph devoted to making fun of Jeb Bush's name.

There is no need for you to worry about Mexicans marrying Asians, because if you got your way, neither of these groups would get jobs because only patriotic blue collar Americans deserve jobs. Have you ever stopped to think that if the Chinese "sweatshop" workers were really being oppressed, they would just quit their jobs.

A concerned capitalist that has already written 2 other opinions on this subject and should really do some homework.

P.S. Econ challenge is cooler than choir

Dear "not a Socialist" reader:

"More efficiently." Yes, yes that's an excellent way to describe it. And its very true, its much more efficient when your workers have to work 12 hours per day for almost no money. Cause all the time and money you loose on those crazy Americans that want to "get paid for their labor" and "not work in sweatshops" can really be a drain on your profit margin. Blast those inconvenient workers' rights. But hey, its alright, you can just screw the American people over and give their jobs to people that live in countries with less controls on how long or under what conditions they work. Just make sure to call it "outsourcing to gain the benefits of a comparative advantage" or something fancy so the blue collar, high school educated, average joe American that you Republicans claim to represent doesn't figure out that you support the actions that got lost him his job.

-Concerned Liberal

Dear Concerned Readers, for really we are all concerned readers:

After having lovingly perused the recent opinion letters and taken note of their political nature, I wish to submit a letter that aligns itself with neither the Liberal nor Conservative side, but a letter written from a middle ground of common sense. One that asks us all to take a step back from the highly-charged, controversial debate over this year's elections and remember that we are all Americans here.

We are all Americans that honor and believe in our Constitution, and in this manner we should focus more on the sanctity of the office of the president and less on the person occupying it and executing its authority at any given time. I call this idea the "Common Sense Theory." It is in the mindset of this theory, believing that we should give our respect to the presidential office and not on the man or woman sitting in it, that I say that George W. Bush is a bad president and, when it comes right down to it, a moron. Please note that, keeping with Common Sense, I recognize and honor that he is the president by our constitution; please note, also that I believe he weaseled his way into office with the help of monkey governor and loving brother Jeb, in whose state it has recently become illegal for same sex couples to adopt children, because you know those gays, we wouldn't want to give them any rights cause the next thing you know it'll be legal for dogs to adopt babies and sisters to adopt babies and then we'll have half-dog incestuous families raising babies because of course if you extend rights to same-sex couples you have to extend rights to every imaginable combination of humans or other living creatures.

Hell, next thing you know we'll have blacks marryin whites and asians marryin mexicans and we'll have some kinda tan kids runnin around and then they'll all grow up and become elected officials and the legislature and president won't be 90% white folks no more! Come on boys, grab your white hoods and cross burnin kits, them gays aint getting rights on our watch!

You know, I just don't trust a governor with only three letters in his name, especially when the name it spells is Jeb. Honestly what kind of a name is Jeb, does he wear sweat pants and white tank tops with barbeque sauce from 1973 on them or did his birth certificate just get switched with one of the Clampett's? Oh by the way, I was just foolin with writing from a middle ground, I'm writing from a very liberal ground.

Hey let's talk about the war on terror! The war on terror was a good idea, sarcasm completely aside. I supported the war on terror. Afghanistan was completely legit, Al-Queda (or Al-Qaeda if you prefer) was crazy up in there, they be tranin and livin and all sortsa sh*t, knowmsayin? But Iraq, come on! Yes, Saddam was a cruel, corrupt dictator and a horrible human being, and yes, he tortured and murdered his own people. That pisses me off, and I loved seeing his captured as* in the hands of U.S. forces, but what kind of a precedent are we setting?

There are cruel, corrupt governments and horrible men torturing and murdering their own people in about half the countries in Africa. If we're going to invade based solely on that, we'd better fill up our canteens and reload our M-4's cause we've got a long road ahead of us! But no, no that's not why we invaded, its because the Iraqis were developing weapons of mass destruction! What's that you say? There ARE no weapons of mass destruction? Well.well.uh..Saddam was a cruel, corrupt dictator and a horrible human being, and he tortured and murdered his own people. Sound familiar? And now those lovely liberated people that boogied with the Marines and took down the statue before moving on to looting the entire city (clue number one that we were going to have trouble) are killing our soldiers, marines, and civilians.

We could leave, but that'd be the most buttmunch irresponsible stupid idea ever, (except, you know, going there in the first place) so I definitely don't support the idea of just pulling out now. We never should have gone in to begin with, but to leave now would be insane. Of course we could involve the international community, but the problem is, they're the same international community that we spit in the face of when we started the dam* war! And just in case any conservative readers are considering writing back to give me some bullsh*t that I'm disrespecting our service men and women, no, I'm not. My friend Ryan Lepp's over there right now on his stomach disarming landmines, and I'm not pissed that he's serving his country, I'm pissed that the government of his country sent him there. And I'm pissed that the same government was so cavalier as to "go it alone," putting almost the entirety of the loss of life and money on the American people.

Again, to preempt a predictable response, I am well aware that the Democratic candidate John Kerry voted to authorize the use of force in Iraq. He authorized it under the Dubya-given impression that there would actually be some proof of weapons of mass destruction before we.you know.invaded, and that there would actually be an international coalition of great enough numbers that it wouldn't be unilateral suffering. Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. J.K. all the way.

-Concerned Liberal

Dear crazy socialist concerned reader,

I suggest you take an economics course because it is obvious that you lack any knowledge in that field. Dennis Schroeder teaches AP Economics at Hempstead, but it sounds like you would probably fail out. Any economics textbook will tell you that moving jobs to China and employing Mexican immigrants is good for the economy because they can produce manufactured goods more efficiently than American citizens (Its called comparative advantage). An intelligent patriotic American knows that it is not necessary to hate Mexicans and Chinese in order to love America.

In case you didn't know, the mild recession we experienced was mainly caused by two factors. Dan's failed attempt at dieting this summer put thousands of farmers out of business and D.C. Schroeder's penny hoarding has created a worldwide copper shortage and numerous bank panics. Bush did everything in his power to counteract the crippling effects of these disasters and will be rewarded when he wins a landslide victory in November.

A concerned reader (and AP Econ alumnus)that isn't a socialist

P.S.Remember that a vote for Kerry is a vote for Dan staying in this country.

Dear (should I really be that nice?) Concerned Reader,

Merriam-Webster's College Dictionary defines patriotism as "love for or devotion to a country". True, patriotic Americans may support Bush in 2004. But, who are they being patriotic to?

-They're being patriotic to China which has received 2.6 million American jobs.
-They're being patriotic to Bermuda where the government actually encourages corporations to move to evade American taxes.
-They're being patriotic to Mexico where immigrants are flocking to America where they may soon legally be able to take our jobs.

But being patriotic to America? Not when our economy is in the dumps, young people are dying abroad, and our future is bleak. Let's elect a real patriot so we don't need orange alert and cavity searches 4th of July in 2005. GO LIBERALS! The only truly patriotic Americans!

-Another Concerned Reader, But One Who Isn't Ignorant

Dear Eqonion:

I don't understand why the EqOnion (Weinhold) hate Bush so much. Dan has announced that he will move to Canada if Bush is re-elected so I recommend that all patriotic Americans rid our country of this great drain on society by re-electing Bush in 2004.

- A concerned reader

There's nothing that make me want to go on a homicidal rampage more than the song Hey Ya! by Outkast. Well, then again, people who actually like the song and those who allow it to be played on the radio also trip my trigger quite a bit. The song is the worst piece of music composed in the history of mankind. Yes, that includes prehistoric times as well. Seriously, I would rather listen to a caveman pound on a hollow log for six hours straight with a drumstick composed of a twig with a dried piece of fecal matter on the end than listen to even half of Hey Ya! Whenever the song comes on the radio while I’m driving in my van, I have the urge to vomit uncontrollably, thus causing me to swerve into oncoming traffic or off the edge of a cliff. Luckily no serious injuries have resulted and the van is in pretty good shape too. Does anyone else feel the same way as me, or am I just an outkast?

- Scott K.

Dear eqOnion,

In light of recent articles regarding staff member Josh Weinhold's absence from local events and church camp antics, I'm starting to wonder if the writer of these articles has any life at all. It would appear as though this writer has a small obsession with Mr. Weinhold. I mean, did anyone else notice that Josh was even missing? This mysterious writer seems be under the impression that the world stops spinning when Josh leaves town, meaning he/she is either terribly misinformed or finds life not worth living when he isn't around. On the contrary, I find life to be very exciting with and without him around. Another concern I have is this writer's intimate knowledge of Josh. Has anyone else every hear the nickname "J-Dub" used in reference to Josh? And where did he/she find the pictures from Josh's various religious escapades? Perhaps Mr. Weinhold should be concerned for his safety.

And, perhaps this mysterious "North Scott Girl" ought to be a bit more cautious with her relationship with Josh. (That is, if she really exists! Has anyone ever seen her or heard any actual details about her either?) So perhaps this writer should take a break from their muck-raking journalism and get out and enjoy life a little... perhaps find some friends or something.

- A sincerely concerned reader.

To Whom It May Satirically Concern:

I must voice a complaint about a certain red-headed journalist on yourstaff. I gave this kid twelve and a half bucks of mine to purchase an EqOnion T-shirt. And where is my shirt? Not on the back of its rightful owner! "Mr. Treasurer" has absconded with my moolah, and I demand retribution. Additionally, this slacker gave the excuse that he "overslept" last Tuesday as the reason why he missed his favorite class second hour. Now, I ask you, why do you allow this individual to remain on staff? Granted, he DOES look dashing in a fuchsia T-shirt, but still. Please address this issue ASAP.


First of all, I just want to say hello to all of the great EqOnion readers out there (all 4 of you). Also, I would like to say that this is the Mr. Oswald also known as the "not Shane" Oswald. But I digress. The point of this article is not so much an editorial, but more of a chance to get something off of my chest. You see, I'm feeling quite low right now. In the proverbial depths of despair would be a more appropriate phrase. I just feel awful right now, and I needed to vent.

Now you might ask, "Why would you feel so down right now?" I can see why you would ask. I mean, my life is (or WAS) going fairly well, actually going great. I'm coaching a 6-1 and hopefully playoff bound APecon, errrrrr, football team (Anyone could coach an APecon team!). I've also accepted the challenge of teaching an AP class (biology), and what can I say, it has been a great experience. Also, my grammar and overall English skills have improved dramatically over the last seven weeks for what I believe to be, by now, a quite obvious reason (if you don't know why, I suggest you remove your cephalic region from your caudal area!!!

Thus, my life was going great! WAS, well, was the key word in that phrase. What happened just the other day has sent me spiraling into a wave of utter repulsion and dismay only felt by the unluckiest in what we call our human race. You see, I have a picture of infamous EqOnion writer/econ geek Cory McDermott in my environmental science room. "Why," you might ask. The answer is to scare away and subsequently keep out the cockroaches and rodents in my room of science. It has worked.....dramatically. But the other day a group of freshman took some time away from their busy study session to wander up next to the picture, and what they said next, well, I'm still trying to discern through their horrific words: "IS THAT YOU, MR. OSWALD??"

Quite honestly, the next couple of minutes escape me. The utter horror of their putrefying words finally set as I was leaning out of the window in the back of my room. I have never been so grossly offended in my life. My God, don't these students have any decency, or at least a little compassion? Being compared to C-Mac might be the single worst moment of my life. It would have driven a lesser man to jump from that window. But I caught myself just in time. I have finally coped with those hurtful words. But to be quite honest, I am still, and will always be emotionally scarred---for life!! My God, I can't go on with this letter (actually, I have to leave for Cedar Falls, like NOW). But, I feel better now that I got this off of my chest. I feel like a new man. Yes, a man with a severely damaged ego, but a new man nonetheless. So my lesson is, everyone, please, be careful what you say to others. Feelings do get hurt, and in my case, a life has been changed, FOREVER. C-Mac, please don't get offeded. I think you'll understand. Everyone: have a great homecoming week, and stay away from me, until further notice. It will be sometime before I can face the ominous presence of humanity. Until then, LATER.

- Mr. Nathan Oswald.

As a former scholar of Mr. Schroeder's vast knowledge of both economics and american history, i was outraged to hear that he would go so far as to ban the "wake up with the band" contest from appearing at his home of 1729 Avalon Drive. How could a man, who claims to believe in a free economy, prevent the market performing its necessary function, getting a bunch of band kids to show up way to early and play some annoying music in front of our beloved APUS teacher's house? This is blatant disregard for all the principles we as capitalists hold dear. How could Matt Stemper, a true lover of economic freedom, be denied his rightful reward for purchasing the winning ticket? This is an abomination to Adam Smith, David Ricardo, Milton Friedman, and all of those great and inspirational men who have widened our understanding of economics. Perhaps Mr. Schroeder's intense study of Howard Zinn and Karl Marx has made him unfit to teach economics. I ask all freedom loving students at Hempstead, rise up and protest this grave injustice.

- A concerned AP Econ alumnus

In regard to C-Mac Old Miser editorial

Private means just that! As long as the individual is doing nothing illegal or immoral the individual may be where he/she wishes whether it be school (which this person has dedicated his career to) or somewhere else (e.g. visiting a sick relative, reading the newspaper, or enjoying the success in the post-season of the greatest baseball ever the NEW YORK YANKEES!)

-Voice of Reason or Common Sense aka Old Miser

Dear EqOnion staff;

As the once popular No Fear brand t-shirts said, "Second place is the first loser." HOWEVER, quite the reverse was the case on Saturday morning, Oct. 10th. Schroeder's demand for a "private" weekend resulted in my not-so-private Saturday morning.

While Schroeder lost his opportunity to show off the nocturnal version of his sweater-vest collection, I relished a band performance while sporting a luxurious, raspberry, French terrycloth robe accompanied by my exotic animal print slippers. Perhaps, the APUS teacher was concerned that the musical spectacle would disrupt the counting of his daily grapes?! But, all I know is that I made my first, very public, KAT-FM media debut surrounded by the band, my parents, and a few cranky and confused neighbors.

I will admit that I was trying to catch a few extras zzzzzz's after a late-night (early morning?) post-game strategy meeting with the Hempstead football coaches. So, when I looked out my window and saw a sea of green, gold, and the somewhat conspicuous band trailer, I thought to myself "Holy band music Batman!".

As a former Hempstead band nerd, the awesome band performance held special meaning for me.

D.C. = 0     Grizzy = 1

Englishly yours, Mz. Griz

Private weekend my foot. I am positive that I, along with a handful of my bandmates, saw that ol’ miser at school this morning (10/11) at around 10 o’clock. I must say that have lost a lot of respect for my former idol. I will do everything in my power to convince my Econ team that a change of leadership is in order.


As a firsthand witness to Ms. Swift's horrifying mass murder scheme, I was especially disturbed by Swifty's use of bribery to force her students to hang pink "Hello Kitty" decorations accented by black balloons around the AP Lit room.

- R.C. Munn

I think I can safely say Ian's 'hobnobbing' article was the worst thing i've ever read in my life and I became more and more furious with every word i read. I wasn't mad because the article was intended to make me upset or anything like that, in fact, this joke-of-an-article was supposed to be funny. That fact right there is what upset me the most. I could tell this unworthy eQonion advocate was attempting to be humorous by use of 'clever' satirical words and other basic elements commonly used on this website. His attempts were unsuccessful, and, more than that, they were embarassing to him as well as to the staff of eQonion. It's embarrassing that he thinks he might someday be worthy of writing an article that could appear on the website.

So Ian, if you ever read this, give it up man...if that article was the best you got, you might as well pack up your bags and just keep readin other peoples' crude comments about how terrible and embarrassing your hobnobbing article was and always will be.

- Buddaman

P.S. Don't try to defend yourself by replying because you'll only humiliate yourself again, especially if it's written in any format similiar to the 'article' you attempted to write.

Hello all this is Ian Moodie, A.K.A. bufferboy and danito. I think it’s all time you heard the real story behind the happenings at the eqonion. I have been the subject of recent mockery by this esteemed website and its time you learned why.

A certain Matt Stemper has taken it upon himself to attempt and take over the site. The sites webmaster, a Mr. Lichti, has a rather strange love affair with Stemper and is making no effort to control this insane man. Stemper has added himself to the staff as well as made up 3 positions to make him feel important. This man is such a sorry excuse for a person he had to write an article about how great he was and wrote another about himself but changed it to Kutch for fear of "getting in trouble." Also, how can you trust a sick bastard of a pervert, I quote "I see 3 or 4 girls with untied swimsuits every day at work", flora patrons beware. With all this he still has the balls to mock a story I wrote in 5 minutes while taking an IQ test. This is an exact copy of a disturbing e-mail I received. You tell me if this man has the right to mock me. He is just plain sick.

This would be the man who is the great stemper himself
i now have complete control of not only the site, but also josh's email acounts and porno subscriptions
now that i have control, i think you may be interested in joining my newly formed "stemper's army," you dont want to be on the wrong side of sweeping changes
progress will be slowed

I have also been mocked by a one Cmac-daddy. How can you possibly trust a man whose spells his name without an e and one who throws econ challenge for a night with Katie Potts. I’m not a Danito because I am not obsessed with chicken and I don’t steal money, ya bastard Cory. Also, this man speaks terrible snoop dog maybe someone should just shizzle bizzle on his face. I hope you stay locked up at home forever.

C-Mac in da house. Yo I’ve always known that Danito (Ian Moodie) was a complete failure, but shizzle, the new article has made me despise this little Dan wannabe even more. I mean , I ain’t no hata but DAMN. Dan Jr.’s article is just terrible, I’ve seen better outta’ dyslexic first graders. Can you believe this little poser has the nerve to ridicule quality journalism, I mean what. How dare he insult my dogg brotha Matthew Douglass Stemper. Izzle Bizzle Gizzle is an utter disgrace to the EqOnion and its staff. His name makes the site look bad even if it is in the context of being made fun of. Fo shizzle my nizzle. What

Senior Editor Josh Lichti has actually stated plans of making the whole site geared towards hating on Buffer Boy. Lichti says that this course of action “would make Ian’s life.”

Here it goes, short and sweet! The Burning Sensation is a top notch quiz bowl team, 'the nerds' are right alongside us. They came out with a lucky win, thats the way life goes sometimes, good job nerds, good luck at state. Now comes the debate. Did the nerds compete extremely well, possibly, but i dont think so. Did Nik let his teammates down, most definitely not, he's my hero! It comes down to this....Dan Gonzalez is a BASTARD! He moderated, he's worthless, therefore we lost. If Lueken was there, things would've been different, i guarantee you that much. I hate you dan...i wish the wrath of the lichti family upon u!

As a new EQOnion reader, I must reveal the only thing missing in my opinion. I like to think of myself as the All-American boy in most respects, and I understand what the everyday Joe wants to see. I think that I speak for every EQOnion reader when I say, I want more Matt Lichti. More pictures, more news, more editorials, perhaps even soundclips. Matt Lichti is in my opinion one of the most beloved members of the Hempstead High School family, and he should be treated as such. It is important to remember the classic line, "You can't hold back a shooting star, but can only sit and watch its beauty.", thus, the life story of Matt Lichti.

- New EQOnion Reader

Ladies and gentlemen, what does Dan Gonzales have in common with a tapeworm?Both suck precious resources away from their host. The tapeworm, from a poor unsuspecting soul, and Dan, from the hardworking American public. I've never had a tapeworm, but I have definitely had a Dan Gonzales. I hope Dan is enjoying his "short break" from working, while I, and millions of other workers pick up his slack. Though I don't doubt the hard hour(s) of work that Dan has put into the dog track, I do doubt his need of the funds. Anyone who plays a french horn obviously needs no financial assistance. I'm just happy that I can wake up every morning, look at myself in the mirror, and say "Nick Dryer, you are not as worthless as Dan," and smile, but then however, frown when I realize that I will be working tonight only to put money in that lazy scumbag's pocket. I leave you with that, EQOnion readers, because I must go to work.

- Nicholas R. Dryer, Sr.

I am writing in response to Mr. Matt Stemper's article. He arrogantly boasted of an assured win for the Soph Serve Ice Cream team. His pathetic and less than intelligent team is no match for the brilliance of MFBFCSAKB.

His team, consisting of Nate Jung, Alex Brimeyer, and John Lambert has some definite flaws in its composition. The most blatant of these flaws is the combination of Alex and Matt together on the same team. It is a proven fact that this disastrous duo has jointly messed up many projects. Alex has admitted to various projects gone horribly wrong time after time. Says Alex of his captain, "Stemper has all these crazy ideas that never work and always get screwed up." The team chemistry is obviously not there. After Monday 6th hour, they can add Quiz Bowl to their list of "Projects Gone Wrong."

Alex is not an asset to the team, and is also no match for his more attractive and superiorly intelligent sister. I know that I am definitely the smarter sibling. He will not be a factor in tomorrow's match.

John Lambert will be the strongest member of the team tomorrow, although, he does tend to be conceited and arrogant. These less than desirable characteristics will be a hindrance to the team. Nate may contribute some to the match, but nothing that cannot be negated by the MFBFCSAKB.

The MFBFCSAKB, consisting of Kate Burney, Matt Lichti, and Nathaniel Perlewitz, and myself, will in a word, destroy. No other team can boast of having two National Merit Scholars, Kate and Matt. These two key players, with thoughts of annihilation on their minds, will assuredly dominate the competition. Nathaniel and I will also be indispensable members of the team.

So Stemper, be ready for an absolute obliteration. By the end of the match tomorrow you will have wished that you had named your team "Team Utter Failure." You think that "MFBFCSAKB are gonna get their MFA's kicked"? I think not. Mr. Stemper, you are gravely mistaken.

Julia Brimeyer

To whom it may concern:

I am contacting you in regard to my profound concern for your lack of coverage on the more pressing issues of our school. For example, a very prominent question that has been on my mine (and no doubt the minds of many others) is "Who picks the music for seminar?" Obviously, whoever does execute this responsibility had remarkably excellent taste -- but I would still like to know more about who this mysterious personage who resides behind the P.A. speakers.

There are other numerous question I have about the ambiguous on-goings of our student government. What goes on in the time between the mysterious entrance of the student government office? Was it a coffee machine that I saw when I managed a glance behind that forbidden door? Perhaps it is a brainwashing room, where the senators and representatives are drugged with a caffeine overdose -- all part of a fascist scheme directed by our class president, Jake Freiburger.

I also feel a necessity for the eq-onion to address more national issues as well, especially the issue with duct tape. I am well aware of the urgency at which we must prepare ourselves for a possible nuclear war. However, although I understand the protection duct tape will give us from the radioactive waves that result from a nuclear attack, our government had not made it clear how to implement this plan of defense. Do I apply the duct tape to the entirety of my room? How about the windows and the doors? Should I leave them duct tape free in order to relieve the pressure, or should they be taped shut, too? And if they are taped shut, how am I supposed to leave my house? I believe these questions should be addressed in your paper.

And then I am concerned about the duct tape industry. With the threat that we face, people will buy duct tape in a blind rage, and the supplies will be quickly depleted. In order to accommodate for this, duct tape industries will have to speed up their production, an action that could result in the tragic decline of the quality of duct tape.

Thank you for your time,
R.C. Munn

"A violent earthquake, and the sun became black like coarse black cloth, and the moon turned completely red like blood. The stars fell down to the earth...” While many may recognize this from John's Revelation, they aren’t' aware of what is taking place Monday 6th Hour. Quiz Bowl, of course, but there is an even deeper meaning in these apocalyptic words. What John really meant is that MFBFCSAKB are gonna get their MFA's kicked!

This may be hard for some to believe for the pettiest of reasons. First, the general populace regards Matt Litchi as the smartest man alive because of his demanding schedule of rigorous courses like Film Study and Band, but at heart the great Litchi is just one piece of sexy man.

Second so-called "scholar" on MFBFCSAKB is one Nathaniel Perlewitz. After his breakout success in Pollo Picture’s nationally praised and Schrodie Award Nominated Indiana Jones y Los Venados Sagrados, success and stardom has gotten to his head. After his failure at All-State auditions, his violence-prone personality was elevated to "High Alert." He now regularly strangles unsuspecting band students and even attacked Bella y La Bestia actor Ian Moodie. Blinded by hate for Soph Serve Ice Cream Captain Matt Stemper, his loathing will distract him from the greater task at hand.

Julia Brimeyer is the third member of MFBFCSAKB. Her brother, Alex Brimeyer, is a member of Soph Serve Ice Cream and Julia will do all that is possible to avoid bitterness in her household. Afraid of Alex being mad at her, she will intentionally sabotage the already slim chances of MFBFCSAKB winning. MFBFCSAKB's last member is Kate Burney, most likely the strongest link on the team. Yet she was never a member of the Mustang Band, and hasn't experienced the perils of band camp that leads to the strict discipline and level of enlightenment enjoyed by all who have proudly called themselves a Mustang Band member.

The last reason MFBFCSAKB will fail in the end is the shear strength of Soph Serve Ice Cream. After studying abroad in Hong Kong and Italy preparing for this year's Quiz Bowl, Nate Jung has become perhaps the most diverse member of the team, specializing in the useless. John Lambert, the smartest sophomore in Dubuque, will use last year's disappointment as motivation for this year's success. Alex Brimeyer is dispensable, but his canceling of his sister will be more than enough for a victory. And last, but certainly the most important, Captain Matt Stemper brings striking good looks to an otherwise unattractive team.

So when the brimstone falls from the sky and the Mighty Mississippi turns to blood on Monday, you will know the inevitable has happened. It's not the end of the world; it's just Soph Serve Ice Cream's first victory on the way to a Hempstead Quiz Bowl championship.

- Matt Stemper

Dear EQOnion,

I was deeply disturbed when I read the article concerning the quiz bowl match between Revenge of the Nerds and The Leftovers. As a member of the losing team, The Leftovers, I feel it is my duty to inform the readers at EQOnion what really occurred on the day in question. As usual I arrived at school early with my other teammates to train for the upcoming match against Revenge of the Nerds, when I ran into my dear friend Khalid. Khalid seemed deeply upset and when I asked what was wrong the poor, frail Khalid told me he feared for his life. Yes, it seems Khalid feared that if his team, Revenge of the Nerds, lost to the obviously superior team, The Leftovers, team member Kevin Hansen would lose it and murder the rest of his team. Being the good friend I am, I could not allow this to happen; I called a team meeting and moments later we decided as a team that we could not win, we must let Kevin have his way to save the rest of the team. We had to make our defeat look believable (or believable as it could be) so we held out until the last question when we let the other team take the easy question for the win. I felt I had no choice but to tell the public what really happened and I can only hope that the fans of The Leftovers can forgive us for what we've done.

Speaking on Behalf of The Leftovers,
Mary Oneyear

It is with the greatest haste, hurry, and otherwise quick and decisive movement that I bring before our great President an urgent request, a request for the attention that must be given to a growing problem in our school. This problem is a horrible social disease known to its mind-numbed subjects as "Solfege."

This brainwashing technique is found mainly in choral performers, but is known to the public by its disgusting display in the obviously Communist and/or terrorist musical "The Sound of Music." The innocent-sounding "Do: A Dear" song that annoyingly sticks to the minds of Americans everywhere has begun to wield its influence on a greater scale, and has found its way even into the sacred halls of our beloved Hempstead High School.

The exercise is used by our school's Vocal Music Director Bill Fordice to "develop the ability to read and hear music." But its long term effects on the minds of our students cannot be denied. "The right side of your brain thinks one way, and the left side thinks in another way," says Mr. Fordice. "When you listen to music and sing it back, your using the sides separately. But after you have mastered 'Solfege,' the two sides of your brain will function together." Director Fordice makes no attempt to hide the egregious nature of the system. Brain experts insist that the two sides of the brain must function separately to produce unique thoughts. These freedom-loving, terror-hating, oil-craving, American thoughts are crucial to our society and must not be undermined.

Hundreds of choir students each day are subjected to the complex system of hand motions and tones, coming closer and closer to complete mental shut down. The ignorant brainwashing compares much to the evil, thoughtless ways of the Equestrian, and at some point we must ask ourselves: Can the connection be denied? When will it end, Mr. President? After our school has become a legion of mindless Equestrian terrorist zombies, or before? It must end now. Demand that the European (anti-American) practice of Solfege be expelled from our school today!

-Anonymous overprotective mother

Dear Shallots (small onions for those less literate on your staff),

I am offended that your staff has chosen to infiltrate my Film Appreciation class with a pseudo-academic the likes of Mr. Lichti. Though he sings the apparent praises of the rigors encountered in FA, and rightly suggests the course stands high above the likes of Swifty's APE class (one I actually began at Hempstead 20 years ago and abandoned because it lacked the challenge I've found in teaching Film Appreciation), I would like to note that he has taken the path of least resistance in Film. Indeed, Babe is a classic of cinema (and probably should have earned Oscars for both Babe and Farmer Hoggett), The Fugitive was considerably more challenging in terms of its wide-ranging cinematography and absolute sense of humor for tension breaking moments. But I will not babble on about the short-sightedness of your staff. Perhaps down the road you, or Mr. Lichti, who by the way occupies the seat closest to the door and closest to where I sit and at least he offers the appearance of wanting to soak up all the knowledge possible about the mysteries of film by being in close proximity to my wealth of wisdom, will find the courage to fully come to terms with the power of this course, one I have given my life's work and effort to perfect.

Mr. R.

PS--I knew if I lasted long enough at Hempstead that a group of intelligent students would recognize the value of great satire! Write on!

I cant say that I know Dan on a personal level, but just from the eqOnion article, and my recent experience of watching him contribute to Team Fission's victory over Team Fusion, I can tell you my first impressions. The way I see it, he is sucking money from the government, similiar to how a leech sucks blood from a host. Now dont get me wrong, I am not calling Dan a leech, rather saying that they have related qualities. Now on behalf of the elite group of Student Government workers who put on the Hempstead Quiz Bowl, I can honestly say we try to do things are fairly as possible. I will admit, however, that some bonus questions that Team Fission recieved were much, much easier than those of team Fusion. Once again the 'leechy' qualities rear their ugly head as Dan sucked all the points he could from the beginner questions designed for an elementary quiz bowl competition rather than a prestigious one such as Hempstead's. How they got mixed up with the other questions is a mystery to me...maybe someone was trying to cheat...i dont want to mention any names, but it's always possible ya know. I have come to a final decision on the matter at hand, and i vote yay for the impeachment of Mr. Dan Gonzalez

- Justin W. Potter

As a taxpayer and concerned citizen I find Dan's decision to be DESPICABLE!

Whether or not he should be impeached is not as relevant as the issues themselves. First, the fact that Gonzalez could legally collect unemployment under the current regulations is an indictment of the system. I don't fault him for letting the system work in his favor. Let's attack the system not the advantage-taker. My problem is what he did with the money. Fast food? Legitimate, as long as he does not clog the court system with a wrongful death suit against the fast food joints the way he's clogging his arteries with cholesterol. Video games? One of the three things in life I despise. How could you Dan? If you need suggestions on what to do with your time I'll provide you with 10,000 things better than video games. No, it's not because I'm the worst video player in the Milky Way Galaxy either. The french horn? This is the really big "Rochembeau" of the entire scam. How can you go out and buy a horn made in France (who, by the way happen to be opposed to George Bush's evil plot to control world oil supplies) when we have dozens of American horn makers being laid off every day? What is wrong with US-made horns? Are you that much an elitist that you buy only French? Let me guess, you eat French pastries, right? I can bet what kind of salad dressing you pour on your lettuce, the dip in which you put your chip, and what you eat with your burgers. Ladies beware how Dan might kiss you! Is Napoleon your hero? Well, Dan, you unemployment sucking Francophile I say to you Viva le American trumpet! Drive out of the Hempstead parking lot, take a left and head to Paris. We'll take Lady Liberty, you can have the Awful Tower.

Seethingly yours,

Fire him and then lynch him.
It is a disgrace that my worthy tax dollars are paying for his money-wasting carcass.

- a disgruntled tax payer

The last thing dan needs is a way to get chicken money without exerting any possibly calorie-burning work to get his paws on it
( = I would like to put in my vote for his impeachment and removal)
- Dustbunnie

I am an avid EQOnion reader, and I must say that your staff is quite exceptional, minus Dan of course. I am one of the millions who has been offended by Dan's gross misuse of government funds. Why was Dan ever allowed on staff in the first place? Don't you guys run background checks on employees? It is plain and simple that Dan is a crook. Not only should he be fired, he should be deported from our great great nation.


keep dan

who else knows how to work the camera?? :)


Unemployment Scandal Reeks of Chicken

Dan's careless use of our nation's struggling economy is comparable to Dennis Schroeder's thoughtless hoarding of pennies. Now Mr. Gonzales is not only depriving our country of chicken, but money as well. The existence of individuals like Dan gives the pro-choice movement its backbone of support. Impeachment is the only option my friends, a swift and firm shove out the door of the EQOnion. Perhaps the Equestrian would love to be home to such an un-American treacherous swine.

- Kevin Hansen

Keep Dan on board. He is always good for a few laughs.

--E. Sullivan

Whoever wrote the e-mail telling the EQOnion to write a story about speach-contest is a HUGE MORON. Even the small side story the wrote for you poluted the site. And as if that were not enough to prove your extreme worthlessness, you said they should write a story about you pet peeve about writing stories about peoples pet peeves. That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard. That doesn't even resemble anyting that is remotely funny. If they would have run a story like that it would have been stooping to the same level as the treacherous Equestrian. How dare such a worthless person even think of sending this site your filth. You SUCK.

- Anonymous Complainer

From Justin William Potter,

I just want to mention somethin about someone on your staff, Josh Lichti...what a joke. Who does he think he is? I mean he goes around braggin that he is the Founder, Publisher, Editor, and a Writer of the eqOnion. Not only does he have a big head, but he rubs it in too. I see his sexy body comin down the hallway and the only thing he does is whisper to his friends, and i know what he is sayin. Hes talkin smack behind my back and Im sick of it so heres a warning to him, next time i see you whisperin` behind my back in the halls you better run because im gonna tell a teacher on you! Ya hear that? Im gonna tell Lichti...


P.S. Please dont beat me up

Editor's Response: I dont need to beat you up, I'm sooooo above that you pathetic loser.
- Josh Lichti (Founder, Publisher, Editor, and Writer of the prestigious EqOnion)

To whom it may concern,

I would just like to make you aware that fitting 22 people into a single lunch table is simply amazing, and anyone who denies them news coverage shouldn't be allowed to go to our prestigous school. How many times have you seen or heard of an event like that. I just want to say that i would have been disappointed if I wouldnt have seen an article on that, and am still a little disturbed to know that you don't think it was news worthy, but behind the scenes of Les Mis is...i think you guys (josh lichti) need to get priorites straight. Just one man's opinion though, and what does that matter. I mean afterall, you are the eqOnion, bigger than any one man or company out there.

- J.W.P

An Unfortunate Event.

Due to causes beyond my control, it pains me to relate to you the news that the feature article regarding the Equestri-Onion was carelessly omitted from the January issue of the Equestrian. The story was written, proofread and approved for printing. However, the article was somehow carelessly left off the news pages by one of the editors. The Equestrian staff adivsor apologizes for the incident, claiming "I really liked the article, I thought it was very good. It wasn't cut, I don't know why it isn't on there. I love the Equestri-Onion. I think it's hilarious."

Because of this ommission, I requested the story be run on the front page above the fold, but according to the advisor, "We can't guarantee anything." The article hopefully will appear in the February 20th edition.

Once again, I apologize for this error. An article about the omission would be understood, lets not make it too bad.

Josh Weinhold
The Equestrian

Don't Give the Man What He Wants.

As a frequent reader of the eqOnion, i am usually in support of this wonderful newspaper read by millions across dubuque.

You can imagine the betrayal i felt when i first read the luffaholtz articles. This newspaper that is known for their muckraking and showing the public the unknown evils of hempstead high, has sold out. They are showing their full support for a teacher who warps the minds of his students in an effort to feed his power hungry ego. Yes, i am talking about mr luffaholtz himself.

Why give this worthless man so much of our valuable space? In my opinion, one article was too much. The more attention we give this man, the more he will want. At first, we tried satisfing his needs by giving him occasional pity claps, but this was not enough for Mr. Luffaholtz. The attention is a drug to him, and he continues to crave more and more.

The eqonion must stop this madness. Why must the writers insist on putting Mr. Luffaholtz's pictures and pathetic attempts to be comical all over their once illustrious paper? Mr. Luffaholtz is everything the eqonion is against, yet you are giving him exactly what he wants.

The space devoted to mr luffaholtz could have been used for things much more productive, like campaign articles for the Matt's presidential run. These fine upstanding citizens are looking to help Hempstead High in every way possible. They beleive in everything the eqonion stands for, yet havent received any mention in the eqonion whatsoever. In this readers opinion, this is an outrage.

Scary Proposal - Freiburger For President

I must say that the very idea of a grassroots movement to promote Jake Freibuger for President has me shaking in my grass-stained boots.

This is a man who would take us to war against Canada because they talk funny.

This is a man who would undoubtedly attempt to annex Mexico, most likely using as a front for his puppet government a middle-aged Mexican of his acquaintance.

Also, if elected, he would make us all wear woolen hats and mittens. Who knows why he has this obsession with wool, but I have noticed that he spends a lot of time around sheep.

He would make all citizens carry guns, eat venison, sit for multiple viewings of Lord of the Rings, and play horse shoes every Saturday afternoon. Not to mention a likely mandate to forbid the baking of any cookie that is not chocolate chip.

Believe me, this could mark the beginning of the end of the free world. Democracy, as we know it, would be forever altered if this 17 year old punk manages to have the constitution changed so he could run against George Bush (may Allah be with him).

Signed, "A citizen who stands for mature leadership rather than manure leadership."