"we jump to conclusions so you don't have to"

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USA basketball narrowly avoids loss to Hempstead Mustangs in exhibition match.
Very liberal city + Republican convention = ??
Thousands of protestors flood streets of NYC; no one notices.

Econ advisor gets tipsy with third place trophy at victory party.

EqOnion trucker hat craze extends to econ nerds throughout the country.

C-Mac Daddy "enjoys" free trip to New York City.

Despite excellent cuisine, Dennis Schroeder dislikes Bubba Gump's historical inaccuracies.
Revenge is a dish best served cold
Cory McDermott's senior picture to be featured on cover of 'Ninjas Weekly' magazine
You gotta love the Bush
Bush set to appear in Dubuque, Jake Freiburger forced to remain under house arrest

Survey: America's national passtime shifts from baseball to econ.

Former Hempstead VP, Bob Krogmeier, starts Ames riots to protest EqOnion's lack of updates.
As coach I deserve 99% of the credit.
All classes to be shortened Thursday because of recognition assembly for State Champion Econ Team.

Die-hard Cardinal Fans forced to reevaluate their professional sports allegiance.

Matthew Stemper named offical liaison to the new socialist Spanish government.

Mars rover continues Bush's quest for weapons of mass destruction.

67% of Americans believe New Zealand is a suburb of LA

Scientists discover massive outbreak of 'mad lettuce disease', millions of vegans forced to eat barbeque.

Yankees sign Alex Rodriguez: payroll now exceeds federal budget deficit.
This is way more fun than golfing on 'fog' day.
EqOnion photographers discover true reason for Monday's cancellation.
Hey, I've got all my teeth.
John Kerry drops out of race to pursue childhood dream.
Candidate John Edwards finishes last in Howard Dean impersonation contest at 'victory' party.

Schroeder reports suspicious carolers, British Airways grounds planes.
Over 2 years since release of the movie
National Pearl Harbor Rememberance Day - Students everywhere celebrate with massive Ben Affleck movie marathon.

Dance Dance Revolution ends Halo's 25 month reign as game of the month.
Click Here
New Lord of the Rings film draws nerds from households for the first time since Two Towers.
Outwit, Outplay, Outlast... or just hide in a hole
Grizzled Saddam awarded $1 million as final castaway on Survivor: Pearl Islands.
I'm on my f*&%@ lunch break
Bad Santa declared feel good movie of the year.

Local weatherman predicts humongous snowstorm to hit Dubuque, miscalculates by 1,000 miles.

USC robbed of national championship berth; France exercises security council veto power, knocks Oklahoma out of title game.
Way out of the comfort zone.
Mix-It-Up-Day festivities go awry, many students injured.

Volleyball team scared of missing seminar, forfeits state match.
Hempstead band director discovers perfect fundraiser.
Chocolate Sucks
Principal Olson really loves the Strawberry Milk.
We don't do that here
Coach forbids cross-country team from wearing underwear during meets.
What's the EqOnion?
Pathetic loser hasn't heard of EqOnion.
Stupid fat hobbit
Talking gollum doll wins most lovable toy award.

Mars dangerously close, 34.6 million miles away.
Prepare to be Executionated
Gorkonator tops Gigli in Box Office.

Brittney-Madonna kiss not "like a virgin."
You ... Die Now
Supreme court overturns anti-sodomy laws.
Vote Thurmond for President 2004
Renowned civil rights activist Strom Thurmond passes away at 100.
Bring 'em On
U.S. cordially invites Israel to start World War III.
You won't like me when I'm angry!
Hulk hand craze sweeps America.

Jeb Bush elected president of Iraq.
I want C-Mac Daddy and Stemper!
Amy Hansel "influences" EqOnion staff member for update.
What, the UN?
President goes five minutes without using phrase "evil-doer".
The pictures.... They're Moving!!
Namesake of Schroedie Awards has never actually seen a single movie.
I love Marx
AP Gov. Test reveals President is a Socialist.
Heil Hitler
Cory McDermott is a nazi, determines recent AP Gov. Test.
I'm extremely disappointed in C-Mac.
Band Director digusted by team Fusion's quiz bowl performance.
Yea! Free T-Shirts!!
Renaissance Assembly a smashing success!!
Nik is one of the 99% in the dark.
99 out of 100 Americans have no idea who the hell Daredevil is.

Conspiracy? School Administrators sport blank ID Cards.
Hola Helmut, Ich liebe dich auch.
Speech Contest loser blames Nazis for failure at contest.
Letís put a maggot-hole in your belly.
President Freiburger declares the Equestrian "Tasteless."
Greatest Movie Ever.
Rapping Kangaroo expected to sweep Academy Awards.
Eat my shorts, Equestrian
President Freiburger urges all students to boycott the Equestrian because of their incompetent and traitorous ways.
I hate Dubuque
Presidential hopeful John Kerry visits Dubuque. Declines invitation for debate with Jake Freiburger.
Don't spend 10 dollars on a ticket to the show, just slip backstage and see what 10 bucks will buy you.
EqOnion reporter discovers what really goes on backstage at Les Mis.
I am not a terrorist
New DiCaprio film to open in December, homeland security department raises alert level from tan to beige.
I Pity Da Foo Who Don't Get Back to Work!
Mr. T to be sworn in as interim Venezuela president. Striking dock workers give up demands due to fear of being thrown helluva far.
The real world.
Halo wins video game of the month for the fourteenth month.
What Nukes?
After watching recent Bond film, CIA realizes N. Korea is a threat.
Oh Dagnabit
Bush to Press: Saddam Hussein a 'Wascally Wabbit.'
I'll Segregate You
Trent Lott to make separate but equal apologies on CNN, BET.
Catch me... if you can
Another DiCaprio film released, Cheney moved to undisclosed location.