"we jump to conclusions so you don't have to"
Ian Modie's Greatest Hits
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All of Bufferboy's articles are presented as recieved.


For all those who have been waiting in anticipation the time is finally here. Gorkonator vs. Executionator has finally been completed. After going 14 months over schedule and spending 2 billion more than anticipated the movie has been released. Director Josh Litchi said "Production really slowed down when we couldn't decide whether there would be 64 or 68 Gorkons in the Gorkon army."

Expert Movie reviewer Chelsea Griswald said "This movie is spectacular! It has exploding cats, robot sex, and even a LETS GO! I was a little disappointed that the senseless violence tailed off at the end. I mean there were only three innocent people killed in the second half." One moviegoer declared "The movie is cool but I came for the credits because I'm a Mother F****** P.I.M.P."

You can currently see the movie in Josh Litchi's basement but it will be released on DVD soon

Harry Potter

Eq-Onion has the privilege of breaking the news of this years Homecoming theme. The esteemed executive council has decided to go with a cheap alternative to your ordinary homecoming theme. "Once it was changed to the day after Halloween it became very obvious, Harry Potter." said President Justin Potter.

Kurt Krogmeier added "Why would you possibly pay for decorations when it is so much easier to just steal all the witches you want off of front yards." When asked what they will do when flocks of fourth graders show up thinking its a Harry Potter Halloween Party, Kurt said "We will just make them cry by saying Voldemort kills Harry in the sixth book." Junior Alex Brimeyer said "This will be the perfect opportunity to show off my kick ass lightning bolt scar."

There you have it Homecoming 2003: Stolen Decorations, Crying Fourth Graders, and "Kick Ass" Lightning Scars. Well, at least it isn't Star Wars.

G-Unit Craze Sweeping America

Once just your average rapper G-Unit has now taken over industry as we know it. Introduced to the world by 50-Cent, G-Unit has plastered his name on everything from music to clothing. G-Unit's name itself has replaced goodbye as the way to end a conversation. As huge as G-Unit has become he has yet to pay homage to what really made him famous, Gorkenator vs. Executionator. The phrase, spoken by the infamous Windows 3000, has infiltrated Hempstead High School because of Gorkenator's box office success. The Hempstead students, with the help of 50-Cent, have spread the craze throughout the United States. If you ever hear G-Unit's name rember where it started, Gorkanator vs. Executionator. G-UNIT!

Movie Themes Stupid?

Recently a member of the nationally acclaimed Hempstead Band went into director Shane Oswald’s office to suggest playing movie themes for the often famed and fabled perspectives concert. These suggestions were replied to with "what are you an idiot, we can't do that, we wont learn anything." The student then fired back with "who really cares, I’ve never actually learned anything in band before, it's not like it's a real class." Shane then said it was because this student (4.1 GPA) chose not to learn (Obviously True). The Student (if you haven't figured out it is me your stupid) said "Plus, everyone knows Independence Day actually happened, and it even has that kick ass theme!" I’m not sure who was right in this argument all I know is it would be FREAKING COOL to play movies themes, for Gods sake MOVIE THEMES.

Race Change?

A few Dubuque lifeguards have taken it upon themselves to raise the percentage of minorities in Dubuque. These afrocasions are named Matt Stemper and Lauren Liaboe. The few lucky soles that attended band camp were able to see Mr. Stemper show off his new rusty nail skin color for 8 hours a day. When asked about his strange Dwight like appearance Stemper said "I worked all summer on this dead sexy tan." Stemper was than immediately tackled by his brother. Lauren than took it upon herself to try and defend their new fried chicken eating ways by declaring "You all just a bunch of jealous crackers." Apparently completely unaware that they looked more like hot dogs cooked for two days. Stemper than said "I d'nt cer what y'all think I's need to rap mer P.I.M.P." When notified how grotesque the thought of him raping sounded Stemper could only say "G UNIT"


Hobnobbing: is defined as the art of attending parties eating free food and leaving for the next party.

The man who is the master of hobnobbing is Alex Brimeyer. This great man was able to attend seven parties in one day and eat food at every single one. Alex told me these great thoughts “The key to hobnobbing is to start early on an empty stomach and to attend parties with enough people nobody will notice you.” I have also learned if you don’t know the person who is throwing the party to avoid them so as to not blow your cover, just last week I went to a party and was cornered by the graduate’s grandparents, I was unable to escape their questioning and was forced to frighten them away by pretending to throw up. Another great tactic is having one of your friends create mass chaos by either feigning an injury or spilling coffee on someone. While, this chaos is occurring you might even be able to make off with an entire cake without anyone noticing. Once, I asked Alex who taught him these skills. Alex replied “I will never be able to live up to the prowess of Glenn Lichti.”

Take the skills you have learned here and go out to spread the word of this idea and infiltrate as many graduation parties as you can.