"we jump to conclusions so you don't have to"

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New Harry Potter Book Expected to Stimulate Economy
High retail price of J.K. Rowling's next installment promotes economic growth.
Voldemort!! Oh wait, it's just Dan.

With its retail price expected to be $30, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix will likely rescue the United States from the poor economic leadership of President George W. Bush, whose economic stimulus package will do little, if anything to aid the ailing economy. "I don't know what the hell he's thinking," says Hempstead's AP Economics teacher, Dennis Schroeder, "the fact that some British woman knows how to improve the economy better than our Commander in Chief is not a good sign for the future." The high-priced book has already topped amazon.com's best-sellers list with presales alone, and its expected popularity will likely be enough to end 2003 with a surplus. The President does seem to be learning from Rowling, by recently adding Lord Voldemort to his targets in the war on terror.




Vice President Attempts to Strangle President
Bob Krogmeier angry at lack of spotlight.
Bobabza

Hempstead Executive Council Vice President, Bob Krogmeier is angry at the Equestri-Onion because of lack of stories about him. Jake Freiburger's hogging of the EqOnion stories spurred intense jealousy within Bob. He was quoted as saying, "I should have been President, not that lanky loser." Freiburger rebuked his vice saying, "He's just a failure that's all, what has he done that would be worthy of the prestigious Equestri-Onion."




Angry Mob Demands EqOnion Staff Resignation
Unemployment scandal sparks mob reaction.
IMPEACH HIM!

Angry protesters rushed the EqOnion staff building today, demanding resignation of staff photographer Dan Gonzalez. As you well know, Dan Gonzalez is accused of embezzling government funds under the guise of unemployment pay. The EqOnion has decided to put the decision of keeping Dan up to the public. Therefore, if you have an opinion about whether Dan's dishonest abuse of unemployment constitutes grounds for impeachment, email us at eqonion@mchsi.com. Just simply put yes, impeach him or no, keep him in the subject line. You can also put your reasons too. The best letters will be printed on the site.




Open-war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not.
EqOnion demands respect.

EqOnion has learned that a feature article about the website was forgotten. It appears that when the time had arrived to put together the final draft of the paper, the story on the Equestri-Onion was completly ignored by the editor. The editors of the EqOnion are disgusted by this newfound piece of news. This is war!





Equestrian cuts EqOnion from paper.

A story to feature the Equestri-Onion will not be included in the January issue of the Equestrian, sources report. An extremely well-written and truly inspiring anticle about the EqOnion was removed from the school paper's lineup because of "space-issues." The Equestri-Onion refuses to accept their pathetic excuses and knows the story was removed out of spite and jealousy.

A feature on the EqOnion was originally slated to appear in the December issue, but was pushed back to January. After a lengthy interview with an Equestrian reporter, we were assured a spot in the upcoming issue. However, we were deceived and the article was cut at the last minute. This betrayal is unacceptable.




Pollo Pictures Announces Release of New Movie
Slated for a Spring 2003 release, sequel is expected to be a big hit.
Dame algun pollo

This week, Pollo Pictures announced it will begin filming its latest motion picture, Indiana Jones y la Venganza de Helmut, the sequel to the smash hit Indiana Jones y los Venados Sagrados. The movie is considered by many to be the most anticipated movie of 2003, and stars Jake Freiburger as Helmut, Nik Hitchcock as Indiana Jones, and Matt Lichti as Indy's father. In this movie, Helmut travels to Spain and befriends fascist dictator, Francisco Franco. The Equestri-Onion has acquired the first trailer of this movie, available exclusively on this website. We also have trailers for the first movie and a short remake of the Disney classic, La Bella y la Bestia. Pollo Pictures will soon release a new VCD with the first two movies plus special bonus features. Ask your Spanish teacher to show it during class.

Pollo Pictures became an overnight success with the release of their first movie, Indiana Jones y los Venados Sagrados, in October of 2002. The film entertained audiences all over the school and changed movie-making history forever. The movie received two thumbs up from President Jake Freiburger and Kurt Krogmeier, neither of whom know any Spanish. “This movie changed my life,” Hempstead drummer, Mason Hoffman, exclaimed, “It is inspiring.” Indiana Jones y Los Venados Sagrados is expected to be nominated for best picture for the first annual Shroedy awards. These prestigious awards were named after Hempstead teacher and movie enthusiast, Dennis Schroeder, and the nominations will be posted on this website in the near future.

Click to View the Trailers



President Freiburger Announces He Will Not Seek Re-Election.
Student Government President tells stunned supporters he will not pursue a second term.
The NICC free ride is just too good to pass up.
After months of speculation and rumors, Freiburger officially announced that he would not run. Students and faculty had mixed reactions to the news. “I for one am not at all surprised,” remarked one student, “His Presidency has been nothing but constant scandals. He knew he would never stand a chance in the next election.” Freiburger denied that the recent Syphilis scandal had anything to do with his decision, and cited “personal reasons” for his withdrawal. Recent polls showed Freiburger with a slight lead over other potential student government candidates. Freiburger plans to concentrate all his efforts on pursuing the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.



President Freiburger Announces Bid for 2004 Democratic Nomination
Executive Council President seeks top political office.
I will rule the world!

Shortly after former Vice President Al Gore announced he would not seek the 2004 Democratic Party Nomination, Hempstead Student Government President Jake Freiburger announced he would seek to fill the void. Freiburger, master of underdog campaigns, said it would take a lot of support if he is to be President. Led by veteran campaign manager, Josh Lichti, there will be no stopping the overwhelming popularity of the Freiburger ticket. Obviously the first obstacle is the age requirement. Since he is only 18, legally he must wait another 17 years before he can become President. “However,” Freiburger stated, “my age is not the issue. The issue is that the American people need me. I place all my trust in the American people.”

In related news, three U.S. Congressmen, whose names have not been confirmed, have brought up a bill originally authored by former Congressman Jim Traficant, which would allow any voting eligible U.S. citizen to be president. Freiburger supporters have lauded the amendment.

“The United States Constitution has us mired in the past. This bill will allow America to sail into the future, with Jake Freiburger at the helm!” – Congressman Jim Traficant




School District Offers Revised Budget for 2003-2004 School Year
Several programs will be implemented to benefit Hempstead.

Celebrating the recent passage of the 1 percent sales tax, the Dubuque community school district has released a revised budget for next school year. Speaking on a condition of anonymity, one school official said about the tax, “Don’t worry, we promise to use the tax money wisely. I would say more but I have to go wax my new Lamborghini.” Another official commented along similar lines, “I’ve always wanted my own Learjet; I think having this will allow me to better serve the Dubuque Community.”

However, the School Board would also like to bring the public’s attention to what is in it for the taxpayers. “We have many new programs that this school tax will allow us to implement. We hope the students will benefit from them.”

Following is a list of some new programs the district will implement next year benefitting Hempstead High School.

Beep, Beep

New Transportation: The present yellow school buses are old, rusty, and outdated. The increased funding will allow the school to purchase new, more stylish buses.

Increased funding for football team: Some of the money will go to help the Hempstead football team with its financial woes. Athlete Kevin Hansen comments on the increased funding, “I think it’s about time. The Swim Team and the Cross Country Teams have been getting way too much attention lately. I’m just glad we finally have enough money to make sure the football program doesn’t get cut.”

More money for seminar programs: A large portion of the new money will go towards improving the curriculum for seminar. A Hempstead official noted, “We just don’t have enough motivational speakers; with the increased funding, we can bring back the representative from Hamilton Business College.”

You cannot escape, I will crush you!
Col. John Matrix: recently hired security guard

Increased Security: The current system allows only for minimal security presence in our schools. A Hempstead teacher commented, “We desperately need to increase security in the lunch room. With our current funding, we are finding it increasingly difficult to prevent students from escaping.” Increased funding will allow the district to hire security guards from a private security firm.

A few areas that will not receive additional funding: With all of the new programs, the school board will have no room in the budget for building a new elementary school or decreasing class size. A school board official commented, “We believe we have taken a positive step in improving education for our children. The money will be spent in the areas that need it; decreasing class size is simply not an issue at this time.” He later noted, “If residents still insist on minimizing class sizes, we could raise sales taxes by a few more cents.”




Threats and Bribes End Hopes of a Star Wars Homecoming
An investigation reveals astounding results.
Wait until you see the prom theme

In a shocking display of greed and disregard for the will of the students, the Equestri-Onion has learned that foes of the Freiburger Administration resorted to threats, blackmail, and even bribes in order to prevent the 2002 homecoming from having a Star Wars theme. While it is still unknown exactly who was behind all of these heinous acts, two members of student government, who will remain anonymous, said they were told if they voted for a Star Wars theme for homecoming, then they "wouldn't be cool." A second officer also admitted that they accepted a bribe, suspected to be an old frostbite t-shirt, as payment. The officer later admitted the frostbite t-shirt was "very nice."




School to be Cancelled on Wednesday
Reasons for cancellation unknown.
You're not cool if you don't go to the movie at Midnight

All classes will be cancelled this Wednesday, sources report. This comes as a shock to many as there seems to be no apparent reason for the cancellation.

School board members and school administrators were shocked at the news. “I have no idea what you are talking about,” comments an official at the forum, “This is absurd, school is not cancelled.”

“I don’t know why there will be no school, but it definitely has nothing to do with the opening of the Two Towers,” says school president Jake Freiburger.




Free Press Faces Opposition From Foes of the Freiburger Administration
First Amendment rights less important than president's reputation, it appears.
NERD

In a shocking display of greed and corruption, foes of school president, Jake Freiburger, sought to prevent aspiring journalist, Josh Weinhold, from publishing a perfectly legitimate approval rating poll for the school newspaper.

Social Studies teacher, Dennis Chuck Schroeder, fearing the poll would be damaging to Jake's reputation, sought to prevent the poll's publication. Schroeder was unavailable for comment.

After hearing of this injustice, a number of Hempstead students refused to allow their First Amendment rights to be revoked. A letter reflecting their views was sent to the newspaper staff, and the anti-Jake forces finally caved in and agreed to run a slightly edited form of the poll, inside sources say.

This may be considered a victory for Jake, but the compromise may still be considered unacceptable to some. The anti-Jake minions must be opposed, and the balance of power in the school must be restored. The rights of students must be upheld at all costs.




Syphilis Scare Shocks School
After a routine blood donation, President Jake Freiburger was apalled to discover the results.
Damn you Cory
Jake discovers he has Syphilis

The shocking news arrived one day in the mail, a letter bearing the ill-fated news arrived from the Red Cross Testing Center. The four-page document unfolded before Jake's eyes and slowly a single tear crept down his cheek as a grim expression took hold. "An abnormality has been discovered," read the front page, highlighted for the world to see. Jake would have to turn the page to find out just what this strange abnormality was.

The next page was bold and big and the heading read "FACT SHEET: SYPHILIS." The truth was hard to comprehend, a million thoughts raced through his mind, a million questions. Who? How? Why me? His mind settled on Cory and he was convinced that his problems stemmed from him. The next page contained the test results, a note about how Jake did not have HIV or Hepatitus.

The final page had a portion highlighted near the bottom: "Initial Syphilis Test - Result: Positive." There it was in black and white, Jake had Syphilis, it had happened to him.

I'm Syphilis-free... Hey Cory, whatcha doing tonite?
Jake realizes he doesn't have Syphilis

There seemed to be no doubt about it, Jake was no longer STD-free. However, the last page contained results from another Syphilis testing showing his blood to be negative. And there was a final Syphilis diagnosis which also was negative. Jake was indeed Syphilis-free.

After a grueling four-page journey, the letter concluded with good news, but just for a moment Jake thought the worst, and for that moment he thought he had Syphilis. Let's all end with Congratulations for Jake, this is a lesson for us all never to give up and never to surrender. As this article draws to an end I will remind you all that now would be the time when you clap.

Feature Articles
Hempstead Student to Pursue Career in Male Modeling
Branden Tokheim's stunning good looks secure admittance into special school.
Click to view Branden's portfolio

Hempstead student, Branden Tokheim, has recently been admitted to the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good to study male modeling and other pursuits. "I'm extremely happy about this," comments Tokheim, "It has always been my dream to study male modeling. People have always said that I have what it takes, that my phenomenal sexy looks would take me places, but I never really got a good break. I think this is that break."

Fellow Hempstead students had nothing but praise for Branden. "He has incredibly sexy looks," says professional male critic Cory McDerrmot, "I mean the thing he does with his hair...fantastic!" "He is a really sexy man," says junior Lauren Liaboe, "I can't keep my hands off him." Tokheim says that he will finish up schooling at Hempstead and then move out to New York.




Enormous Horde of Losers Crams into Single Table
Mr. Orr completely astounded.
Click to view a close-up of the pathetic souls

Recently, in a pathetic attempt at getting some press coverage by the EqOnion, an enormous crowd of losers, clearly goaded by the notorious attention grabber Jason Loeffelholz, crammed 22 people onto a single lunch table. Teacher David Orr, was amazed, "I've never seen anything like it, its almost unbelievable." However, the death-defying nature of this stunt was somewhat lost on the editors of the EqOnion. "It's really nothing spectacular," says writer Matt Lichti, "I mean, they're all on a table, who cares?" Senior editor Nik Hitchcock also expressed doubts as to whether the story was newsworthy, "I'm not so sure this is EqOnion material," he said, "I mean, if we give them press coverage, what next?"

In the end however, the fact that there was a good picture of it guaranteed this stories appearance on the site. However, the EqOnion would like to warn all potential attention hoggers that this is the last straw. "I know it was you Mr. Loeffelholz," said senior editor Josh Lichti, "Just stop. We are the ones who decide what is newsworthy." Jason Loeffelholz was not available for comment.




Unemployment Scandal Strikes EqOnion Staff
Dan Gonzalez involved in fraud inquiry.
Let's steal from the government, RIGHT NOW!!!

Dan Gonzalez recently received a subpoena to appear in court for an inquiry over the unemployment pay he has received over the past few years. As it is well known, Dan has been leeching funds from the government during the school year since he is too lazy to get a real job, but feels entitled to your tax dollars. He admits to spending it on fast food, video games, and a new French horn. When asked about the inquiry, Dan was defensive, "It doesn't mean they are going to take it away, I deserve it, honest." While EqOnion staff was dismayed that scandal was striking so close to the paper, Senior Editors Josh Lichti and Nik Hitchcock both agree that Dan's unemployment is a hideous abuse of our government's failed programs of handouts and work disincentives. The EqOnion will continue to keep you posted on the progress of the trial.




Equestrian Reporter Quits Paper
Former staff member voices complaints.

Amy Engling used to be one of the top staff members for the Equestrian. "The paper just wasn't fun," comments Amy, former editor of the school paper's Entertainment page. "They can be real assholes sometimes," she said about her former classmates, "I'm just glad to be out." Amy was drove away from the paper when they became fun-hating and most all EqOnion-hating. "Hearing about the horrible treatment of Equestri-Onion was the last straw," she exclaimed. Though we will all miss her articles in the Equestrian, The EqOnion supports her decision to drop newspaper because the school sponsored paper is forgetful and treacherous. Hopefully, Amy will put her journalism skills to good use and apply for a staff position on the prestigious EqOnion.




Attention-Hungry Teacher Has No Life
Jason Loeffelholz is in dire need of social interaction.
I's be missin u 4ever.

A respectable math teacher who puts up a facade of confidence and, with an arrogant swagger, goes by the name of "Big Poppa Loeffelholz," is not what he appears. One would think he is on the fast track to success, but this is not the case. The EqOnion has learned that Mr. Loeffelholz actually does not have a life.

In a shocking admission of guilt, Loeffelholz conceded that he has been so lonely and devoid of excitement that he has even been seeking to create a website with the help of EqOnion staff. None can forgot his immortal words when he first discovered the site, "You guys have no life; you need to get a girlfriend." It appears the tables have turned quickly on Mr. Loeffelholz; he later admitted the most exciting part of his day is taking taking a dump. We are unable to determine the meaning of this statement.

However, an Equestri-Onion photographer was able to capture a photo of how Loeffelholz spends his Saturday nights. As you can see, this man is just a pitiful shell of a man. As a plea to all our readers: if you have a heart, be nice to Mr. Loeffelholz. Allow him some small bit of social interaction; it’s the only thing that could possibly save his dignity.




Mr. Orr Releases Self-Help Book
Best-seller, Get More Women by Growing a Mullet, written by Hempstead teacher.
It ain't over 'til it's over.

Mathematics teacher, David Orr, is not only talented at algebra and trigonometry. He is also a successful author of a new book revealing his, until now, best-kept secrets on hair care, dating, and lunchroom security. Orr shared his secrets with several students in the lunchroom.

Matt Connolly, publicist of the Equestri-Onion, received promising news from Orr. “He really has the mullet potential,” comments the mullet enthusiast, David Orr, “If he grew one, instead of two girls at this table, there would be thirty!”




Attention-Deprived Teacher Finally Gets Recognition
Jason Loeffelholz featured in recent Equestri-Onion article.
After reading about myself, I couldn't sleep, it was just too hilarious.

Before the EqOnion ran a feature story on him, Hempstead Math teacher Jason Loeffeholz was a nobody. All he had to look forward to during the day was the occasional pity clap in the lunchroom.

Now Loeffeholz has finally gotten the attention he always wanted, but he still does not seem satisfied. “Visiting this site ranks up there with taking a dump every day,” a disgruntled Mr. Loeffeholz told Equestri-Onion reporters. Well, in case one article just wasn’t enough for you, we’ve wasted a whole other article. I hope you’re satisfied. Click Here to Brighten Your Day




Emotionally Unstable Teacher Craves Attention
Hempstead mathematics teacher, Jason Loeffelholz, desires the spotlight.
Gimme a Clap!

Without a constant reminder of his authority, Mr. Loeffelholz would suffer from an emotional breakdown, sources report. “He always has to be the center of attention,” comments Jake Freiburger, “If he loses the spotlight, he has to do something to get it back.”

Loeffelholz’s expectations aren’t easily met, however. “He would have the entire lunchroom clapping nonstop if he could,” says Matt Connolly, “I feel sorry for the guy, he can’t get no satisfaction.”




Frightened Dan Demands Chicken
Test results frighten student.
GIMME SOME CHICKEN!!!!

In a recent Advanced Placement Economics class, famed Halo Player, and Chalupa enthusiast Dan Gonzalez became so frightened about his score on his objective exam, that he was heard to have said, “I’m so scared, give me some chicken!”

Classmates were baffled, it made no sense at all yet it was hilarious. Dan’s teacher, Dennis Schroeder, was not amused at this uncontrollable outburst.




Mr. Burns Gets the Clap in the Lunchroom
Despite some students' disgust, Assistant Principal Mark Burns stands by the Clap.

A recent phenomenon has been sweeping through the Hempstead cafeteria faster than the mold on the food. Rounds of applause, led by Matt Connolly have been brightening up the days of teachers and students during C lunch. Widespread support for clapping led to copycats and followers throughout the lunchroom.

A young hooligan and Connolly-imitator, Adam Lary, follows the clap philosophy. "I think of Connolly as a brother, he's my hero and I hope that someday I can be just like him," comments Lary.

Connolly is still the king of clapping and he was quoted as saying, "People may be able to re-create the clap, but only our table can start the wave."

However, as with all truly great things in life, there are some who are in opposition. Led by the efforts of a fun-hating student simply refered to as 'lil donkey', the evil opposition has been trying to quench the hopes of all.

"The clap is bigger than any one person," comments Connolly, "it is a force that affects us all and brightens up our day." Clappers have been met with much enthusiasm from teachers, including Assistant Principal Mark Burns. Burns thinks the clap is a great way for students to be pumped up about school.




Teacher Threatens National Economy
Dennis Schroeder, Hempstead Economics teacher and compulsive penny-hoarder, plots to destroy country's economy.
Slash!

Dennis Schroeder teaches Advanced Placement Economics to students at Hempstead High School. His pupils learn of scarcity and stability. However, this sweater-vest sporting teacher has a dark side, one in which economic principles have no bearing. DC Schroeder is guilty of penny-hoarding, he eagerly swipes the one-cent coins from circulation, destroying the money supply and slowly ruining the national economy.

Schroeder commented, "I'll show you censorship." We are still attempting to decipher exactly what this means.

"Schroeder's selfishness is a detriment to the economy," comments a concerned economist, "he needs to learn the difference between self-interest and selfishness."

Analysts feel Schroeder plans to flood the money supply with his hoarded coins, leading to hyperinflation. This would send the nation into utter economic devastation and lead to another depression. Speculations of a monetary meltdown and a master plan to control the weather by Schroeder were unconfirmed.




Matt Lichti Voted Sexiest Man Alive
Senior Matt Lichti wins by a landslide in a recent poll.
I'm too sexy for this website.

In a recent Equestri-Onion poll, National Merit Scholar Semi-finalist and renowned actor Matt Lichti was voted sexiest man alive. He is well known as the father of Indiana Jones in the hit Spanish film "Indiana Jones y Los Venados Sagrados." Matt is recognized by his distinctive voice and unmistakable arm flailing. When asked just what made Matt the sexiest man alive, Junior Cory McDermott commented, “It’s his voice and that hair of his. I think he is the Patrick Swayze of our generation. I want him.”