"we jump to conclusions so you don't have to"

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Pollo Pictures Announces Next Film
Gorkonator vs. Executionator "unlike anything you have ever seen, provided you haven't ever seen a terminator movie before."

Pollo Pictures has recently released a trailer for its next blockbuster hit, Gorkonator vs. Executionator. In this film, the robot Gorkon, played by renowned actor Jake Freiburger, is sent back in time to kill Bill Gates in order to prevent him from creating a sentient operating system with aspirations of world domination. In a desperate attempt to save Bill Gates, another robot, Executionator, is sent back to destroy Gorkon.

"This movie is unlike anything we have ever done so far," says producer and co-director Nik Hitchcock, "this movie is going to raise the bar so high that there will be no bar."

Also appearing in the film is Branden Tokheim, who plays the Executionator, and Josh Lichti, who plays Bill Gates.

"This movie is about choices," says Josh Lichti, "It really makes you think about important issues like being a robot in a human's world, kicking babies, and beating homeless people for no reason."

While no release date has been set so far, Pollo Pictures assures everyone that it will be worth the wait.

"You @$#& die now," said an enraged Matt Stemper, when asked why Ian Moodie appears in the movie while only Stemper's voice is used, "You %$#* watch trailer now!"




Student Activists Demand: “Free Cory Now!”
C-Mac Daddy has been under house arrest for 10 days and counting.

Local teens have risen to the defense of Target employee and teen heartthrob Cory McDermott, who has been unable to leave the house due a curfew infraction on June 30th. Friends of Bighead decided to protest outside of his house to show their solidarity with their grounded companion. While the organizers claimed a turnout of at least 10,000, it is unclear whether there were really more than three people present.

“This imprisonment is completely ridiculous,” pleaded an enraged Matt Stemper, choking up tears, “I’ve been barely able to survive these past ten days without the C-Mac Daddy. If he’s not emancipated soon, I... I just don’t know what I’ll do.”

Infuriated protesters marching outside Cory’s crib recently voiced their demands to an EqOnion representative. “We seek an immediate conclusion to C-Mac’s captivity,” said Jake Freiburger, spokesperson for the protestors, “We will not rest until he is free. Down with Mullets!”




Illegal Fireworks Display Teaches Life Lessons
Local teens amazed by what you can learn from using Roman Candles.

At the highly illegal display late Friday evening at the home of former Hempstead President Jake Freiburger, several Hempstead students went away from the experience with a new outlook on life. "It was amazing," said Josh "Sexy-voice" Weinhold, "I would have never thought a bunch of a explosions could have such an impact on my life. When I saw that "Cracklin" Artillery Shell fall off its stand and explode dangerously close to some of my closest friends, I believe I reached a state of Nirvana."

Others could barely suppress their emotions. "I admit it," added Dan Gonzalez, "when I saw 6 bottle rockets explode in the nights sky at the same time, I had to wipe a tear from my eye. But that also could have been because I hadn't eaten in 47 seconds." Patriotism was also in the air that night. "Almost being killed by stray rockets from Jake's drunken family made me truly proud to be an American," commented Mary "moldy-house" Oneyear. Party host Jake Freiburger learned an important lesson as well: "I should have never left Stemper alone with Amy for more than a minute," lamented the dejected Freiburger, before sticking four Roman Candles in his mouth and lighting the fuse.

It was truly a memorable 4th of July for all involved, except C-Mac, who spent his "Independence" Day locked up in his house, combing his tyrannical step-dad's mullet.




BREAKING NEWS: World's Most Popular News Website Offers T-Shirts for Sale.
Fans can now order T-Shirts.

We here at the EqOnion would like to inform our loyal readers of an exciting opportunity. We have decided to offer EqOnion T-shirts for sale. What better way to express your love of the most entertaining news site on the web than by wearing an EqOnion T-shirt? They include the site's logo, motto, and web address. Click on the ad on the right to be directed to an order form. Please note, this is not a joke!

Update: A second order is underway, refer to the Order Form for more information.




Schroeder Adopts Sexy Senior Student
Recent credit statements show new sweater vest stockpile

Social Studies Chairman D.C. Schroeder announced his adoption of National Merit Scholar Nik Hitchcock Saturday at his graduation party. The announcement surprised all in attendance, especially parents Bill and Karen. “I had no idea Mr. Schroeder had this much interest in Niclo.”

After years of only twin snow blowers Junior and Brutus for company, Schroeder will finally have the camaraderie that he has long been wishing for, and Nik has a new mentor in Schroeder. The house at 1729 Avalon will have the highest combined IQ of any household in this region of the Federal Reserve, and is likely to perfect the Nanomed technology only recently discovered in critically-acclaimed masterpiece The Hulk.

When asked why he adopted Nik, Schroeder only answered by saying “I’ve had my eye on Niclo for a long time. With more time together, his becoming my protégé will become more of inevitability than a possibility.”

Nik's only response was “Let’s Go!”




EqOnion Considering Colossal Content Switch
In an effort to boost traffic, the staff is contemplating a change of focus.

After a long steady decline in hits caused by the end of the school year and lack of updates, the staff of the EqOnion is considering a major content change. A dramatic twist is in the works, and staff members are confident that hits to the site will skyrocket overnight.

“We’re gonna switch to porn,” said EqOnion design artist Nathaniel Perlewitz. Now that school is out and the seniors have graduated, the staff feels they can safely make the transition to a porn site without fear of repercussions from school officials.

Former President Freiburger stood behind the EqOnion’s decision; “Now that I am no longer a member of the student government, I cannot be held responsible for the actions of any porn site that I may or may not be affiliated with.”

“After the smut that website’s been turning out lately, it’s hardly surprising that they finally switched to porn,” commented Bill O’Reilly.

In a recent press conference, an EqOnion spokesman announced their decision to buy out Pollo Pictures, the movie studio responsible for such great film classics as 1984 Reloaded and Bob Krogmeier’s I’m an Asshole music video. The FCC’s recent loosening of restrictions on media mergers has allowed the EqOnion and Pollo Pictures to form Hempstead’s largest adult oriented media conglomerate. As the first move of the new media giant, EqOnion has hired veteran porn star Cory (C-Mac) McDermott and rising star Julia Brimeyer, who is best known for her role as Sra. Coca Cola in Bella y Bestia. A short film starring these two is in the works. Contract negotiations are under way with famed male models Branden Tokheim and Matt Stemper.




Irregularities Found in Election Results
President Freiburger demands recount.

Last Wednesday, Justin Potter and Tyler Breitbach were declared the winners of the election for Hempstead’s next Executive Council President and Vice. Since then, allegations of voter fraud and ballot stuffing have been circling throughout the school. “I just don’t understand those scantron ballots,” complained a confused voter, “I have no idea who I voted for.”

This isn’t the first controversy surrounding this election cycle. It all began when Jake Freiburger, considered the frontrunner in the election, was not permitted to put his name on the ballot because of term limits. “This is an unjust law,” declared an infuriated Jacob Freiburger, “I will fight this all the way to the Supreme Court.” Since then, Freiburger and Krogmeier have launched a write-in campaign with numerous posters hanging up all over school.

After the election results were announced, the other four candidates conceded and Potter declared victory. “This election was all about issues,” announced a victorious Justin Potter to a massive crowd of supporters, “This is a great day for the students of Hempstead High School." Jake also called to concede but later called back to unconcede. Students have had mixed reactions to the election controversy.

“I really tried to vote for Jake,” said Freshman Jamin Hitchcock, “but I’m afraid I might have accidentally voted for Potter.”

“I voted for Harry Potter,” replied another freshman.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” replied a member of the executive council, “Potter won by a landslide.”

Meanwhile in the Vote for Jake headquarters, supporters have vowed to fight on. “We need to discover the true intent of the voters,” reported a representative of the Freiburger Administration, “In this case, it was clear that the vast majority of the school intended to vote for Freiburger and Krogmeier.”




Freiburger and Krogmeier Seek Reelection
Jake and Bob prepare for a second term as Pres. and Vice.
Star Wars Homecoming Next Year, Baby!!

The school year is winding down and the question on everyone’s minds is who will take over the positions of student government president and vice president. However, in a recent press release from the Freiburger Administration, a possible solution has been offered for this pressing issue.

Jake and Bob officially announced Wednesday that they will pursue another term in their prestigious office. Riding their wave of success from the past year and with the highest popularity record on file, they are predicted to be a strong contender for next year’s presidency.

The recent announcement comes as a shock to many. “Damnit, now nobody else will have a chance of winning!” vented potential opponent, Matthew Connolly. When asked by skeptics of his reelection plans, Jake replied, “Yeah, that’s f***ing right, I’m running.”

Signed on again, is veteran campaign manager, Josh Lichti. Widely believed to be the mastermind of the whole operation, Lichti orchestrated last year’s victory. His ingenious posters assuredly played a key role in the success of the Freiburger ticket.

Early predictions place Jake and Bob at the head of the pack, with preliminary polls giving them a large majority of eligible voters.




"Chicago" Oscar Revoked
Academy reconsiders decisions and several awards change hands.
I'm A Dancing Fool

The academy awards recently revoked Chicago's Oscar for Best Picture after viewing the heart - wrenching Pollo Picture Feature "La Aventura Excelente de Juan y María." The Academy stated, "This is quite possibly the most important contribution to film since color."

The no-budget film staring Matt Stemper and directed by Matt Stemper and Josh Lichti tells the tale of an Aztec legend. "La Aventura" received minimal national attention since its release, but Pollo fever has struck Hempstead's A-Wing, spreading faster than SARS. Speech / Theater educator Kate "Reipe-Dawg" Reipe was reduced to tears after experiencing the dance / drama. "It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.” Actor John Travolta adds, "I wish I could dance like Matt Stemper.” Similar reactions are expected when the film is shown to Ms. Vrotsos fifth-hour second-year Spanish Class.

Other awards that "La Aventura de Juan y Maria" captured from other films include Best Costume Design, Best Actor (Matt Stemper), Best Supporting Actor (Josh Lichti), Best Sound, and Best Foreign Film. Says actress Halle Berry, "I wish they would have received these awards on the big night, that sexy-dancing fool Matt Stemper would have won more than a statue for Best Actor."




Ass Involved In Love Tryst
Back stage love triangle causes headaches for Hempstead’s Spring Play.

An unidentified source claimed that the production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" is in jeopardy due to the off-stage antics of a local Romeo. Jake Freiburger, whose controversial casting as Nick Bottom has raised eyebrows, has been seen in numerous suggestive poses with certain cast mates. It was reported that director Kate Riepe was heard to mumble, “I can’t believe I let that *@#*& into my play,” after prying Jake off of one particularly Annoyed Fairy. Thespian co-president Valerie Flynn cornered the director and complained of Jake’s less than professional attitude during the love scenes between her character, Titania, and Bottom, “That Jake is like a dog in heat,” whined Flynn, “It’s no wonder he has syphilis.”

Long time companion, Dan Gonzalez, has been seen weeping in the south pod during several rehearsals. “He refuses to acknowledge me in public,” sniffled the distraught Gonzalez, “first it was prom, and now those damn fairies are getting in my way!”

Freiburger has been less than up front about his behavior, using his role as Bottom as an excuse. “Look,” Freiburger said with a cocky grin, “I can’t help it if Bottom is the shizzle. I believe it is the character’s animal magnetism that brings out such controversy. Dan needs to realize that I am an actor. In order to play the ass, I must be the ass.” Freiburger is known to be a “method” actor. During the filming of the acclaimed film Indiana Jones y Los Venados Sagrados, it was rumored that Freiburger joined a local chapter of a fascist organization to help him get into character.

However, sources say that Freiburger’s smooth moves are only a decoy to cover up a deep love for a certain fairy. A cast member, identified only as “Mustardseed” claims that Freiburger was seen in a torrid embrace with another “major” fairy character. “I’m just saying that Jake looks forward to the fairy dance. He gets a creepy gleam in his eye when she’s near,” says Mustardseed. Indeed there has been noted hostility between Gonzalez and the fairy. When confronted about the on set tensions Gonzalez when into an incomprehensible rage, “What, are you entertained? Thou, thou, Annoyed Fairy, thou hast given him rhymes, verses of feigning love; With cunning hast thou filch'd my Bottom’s heart!” Dan then burst into a fit of weeping and ran.

“$@^&$*#ing Freiburger is always @$#*ing up scenes anyway,” said veteran actress Mary Oneyear. “I think Riepe made the biggest mistake in her career by casting that $#*@$.” Other cast mates agree, “He always goes for the lowest common denominator,” says Jason La Page, of Spring Wind Variety Show fame, “If it’s not a “new nuts” joke, than he’s groping the fairies. Dan deserves better than that stage hogging ass.”

When asked if the quality of the production would be tampered by off stage turmoil Riepe replied, “Yes. Jake’s performance and Dan’s emotional needs have ruined my play. I was a fool to have cast them.”




Holy F***ing $hit!!?!?!
Eqonion finally updates.
Greatest Update... Ever

After weeks without updating, members of the Eqonion staff shocked the world on Friday by actually adding new content to their site. "I can’t believe it," said River City Rockers lead singer Nick Dryer, "those slackers finally got off their patooties and did something." Other students were less surprised, "I had a feeling they’d be updating soon," said Senior Amy Hansel.

On a national level, some could barely contain their hatred of the site. "I thought that France-loving wacko website would have been shut down long ago, and it’s un-American heathen staff members shot in the street," said Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson. "Whether they like it or not, I vow Hempstead’s Finest News Source will return to being regularly updated," promised Senior Editor Josh Lichti.




President Bush Sends Troops Into Dubuque
In response to the unauthorized war protest at Hempstead High School, President Bush has sent thousands of troops into Dubuque.
D2A

While there does not appear to be any connection between the Al Qaeda network and Hempstead, President Bush made his stance on the issue very clear. "This administration believes there is a strong link between Hempstead High School and terrorism. We have information that suggests that money made from Frostbite T-shirts has been used to fund terrorist cells, and produce weapons of mass destruction. It has also been long suspected that the band room is used to house terrorists. We must strike against the evil ones before they are allowed to harm us."

"Diplomacy has failed. We've attempted to go through Hempstead's student government, but talking reason with Jake Freiburger is harder than reading a book," the Commander in Chief said in a press conference earlier this week. "Any school that elects a man that crazy will deal with the wrath of America. Although their cafeteria does make excellent Freedom Fries."




President Freiburger Cast in Role He Was Born to Play: an Ass
A Midsummer Night's Dream will offer Jake a chance to truly reveal his asinine side.

Freiburger was cast for the part of Nick Bottom, a weaver who is turned into a donkey by some fairies in the Shakespearean comedy. Anyone who has met Jake knows the role of an ass is well within his grasp. "Well he's not a very experienced actor," said director Kate Riepe, "but any time I talk to Jake, I think of only one thing: he's an ass." Freiburger himself was very frank when describing how he got the part, "Like all great actors, I slept my way to the top," said Jake, whose acting credits include Helmut in Indiana Jones y Los Venados Sagrados, and Student Who Refuses To Die in Hempstead's production of Les Miserables.

Other members of the cast were somewhat upset by the casting selections. "%&$*#*@#&%**," remarked an enraged Erin Nebel, who will play Hippolyta, "%&#%*$*&*% Helena *#*&%*&$** that new girl." All mustangs can agree on one thing however: Jake is an ass.




Revenge of the Nerds Triumphs
The Revenge of the Nerds, led by EqOnion staff members Jake Freiburger and Josh Lichti, proved their genius on Friday by humiliating Team Fission in the Hempstead Quiz Bowl championship.

When the match finally ended, the Nerds, whose members include Lichti, Freiburger, Kevin Hansen, Khalid El Khatib, and alternate Bob Krogmeier, had nearly tripled Fission's score, 295-115. After their surprising upset of the Battalion of Death in the previous round, Fission seemed to have lost their spark. When asked the reason for their pathetic score, team captain Josh Weinhold commented, "It was like we couldn't think straight. I did great in the last round, and this time I was just brain dead. Maybe it's a sign. Hail Rael." Overjoyed and boastful Nerd captain Kevin Hansen added, "I'm just glad that it's now clear who the smartest people at Hempstead are. Jake alone scored enough points to easily win; I actually dozed off a few times during the match, that's how lopsided it was." President Freiburger was equally pleased, adding "Yeah, memorizing those questions in the student government office really paid off. I mean..."

6 times 7... 63!

The true winner of the day was Hempstead teacher Dennis Schroeder, who gets to take the winning team to the state quiz bowl match in Iowa City at the end of the month. "I can't wait," said Schroeder, "the ride down should be a great time." When informed of the members of the Nerds, however, Schroeder quickly changed his mind. "What?!?! Low-Score, Slacker Bob, Burn-Out, Hansen and Khalid are all on that team! Oh god!" Unfortunately Schroeder was unavailable for further comment; he was too busy making up an excuse for why he could no longer chaperone.





EqOnion to feature up-to-date coverage on the tournament.

After years of waiting and months of anticipation, the quiz bowl is upon us. Up-to-date coverage of the quiz bowl will be posted on this page. Check back frequently for updates.

Tournament Bracket
Full Team Listings
Competion Schedule and Tournament Results
Archived Quiz Bowl Feature Stories

REVENGE OF THE NERDS VICTORIOUS



Schroedie Award Nominations Announced!
The most prestigious awards for achievement in filmmaking announce its nominations.

The nominations were decided on by the members of the EqOnion staff, and are widely considered the highest award a filmmaker is eligible for, far surpassing the Academy Awards. The complete list of nominations can be found here. Leading the pack by far was New Line Cinema's The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, which received 50 nominations, more than all of the other nominations put together. The second episode of George Lucas's Star Wars saga, Attack of the Clones, was in second place with 14 noms. While completely snubbed by Oscar, Pollo pictures received 11 nominations for their work on Indiana Jones y Los Venados Sagrados and Bella y la Bestia. Surprisingly, Chicago, a film that is expected to sweep the Academy Awards, received only 1 nomination, for best rapping kangaroo (Renée Zellweger).

You can cast your vote for the winners of the Schroedie's by emailing us at:
EQOnion@mchsi.com
The winners will be announced early next month.



Equestrian Surrenders
EqOnion featured on front page of the Equestrian..
Victory!

After nearly a month of needless bloodshed, the War on the Equestrian is finally over. The Equestrian has always been well known for its constant lies and traitorous ways. When the article on the EqOnion was cut from the January edition of the Equestrian at the last minute, it was the last straw. The massive public outcry spurred turmoil throughout the school and lead to the resignation of Equestrian reporter, Amy Engling, and a boycott of that horrible newspaper. The Equestrian’s infamous betrayal eventually forced President Freiburger to declare war on the Equestrian. After months of fighting with no end in sight, we were approached by Equestrian reporter, Josh Weinhold, who agreed to surrender. Weinhold gave in to EqOnion demands by placing an article on the front page of the February edition. President Freiburger hopes to maintain friendly relations with the Equestrian for many years to come.




Academy Snubs Pollo Pictures!
Shocking lack of Oscar nominations for amateur film company baffles many.
I'd rather have a Schroedy Award any day.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced their nominations for the Academy Awards this morning, and to the surprise of many around Hollywood, Dubuque, Iowa-based Pollo Pictures was ignored in all categories! It was widely predicted by studio insiders that the company would receive no less than 5 nominations.

2002 was an excellent year for the fledgling Pollo Pictures, with its two major releases, Indiana Jones y los Venados Sagrados and La Bella y la Bestia, becoming both critical and financial successes. Los Venados Sagrados was expected to pick up a best foreign picture nomination, as well as best actor (Nik Hitchcock as Indy), best supporting actor (Nathaniel Perlewitz as Hitler) and best special effects. In addition, La Bella y la Bestia was expected to give Matt Lichti a nomination for best actress for his stunning portrayal of Belle.

Who are you gonna pick?

Also of note was the Academy's lack of respect for New Line Cinema's The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. The movie received only six nominations, including best picture. Director Peter Jackson, actor Andy Serkis (Gollum), and composer Howard Shore were all ignored by the mindless twits who make up the Academy. The most prestigious of all Awards, the Schroedies, named after Hempstead teacher Dennis Schroeder, will announce their nominations later this week, and will likely make up for the utter failures of the Academy.




BREAKING NEWS: World's Most Popular News Website Offers T-Shirts for Sale.
Fans will soon be able to order an EqOnion T-shirt.

We here at the EqOnion would like to inform our loyal readers of an exciting opportunity. We have decided to offer EqOnion T-shirts for sale. What better way to express your love of the most entertaining news site on the web than by wearing an EqOnion T-shirt? They would likely include our logo and motto. We would like to get an idea of how many readers would be interested in such a product. Please email us at EQOnion@mchsi.com and give us your name if you are think you would be interested in buying a shirt. We'll update with more information on ordering info, based on how many requests we get. Please note, this is not a joke!




President Freiburger Delivers State of the School Address
Speech focuses on important issues looming in the future.
Dan, Schroeder, and the Equestrian comprise an axis of evil.

Jake Freiburger began his groundbreaking speech stating that, “The state of our school is better than ever.” His speech centered on the major problems facing the school. A big issue was the recession, which resulted from poor Frostbite t-shirt sales last year. As Jake laid down his new economic stimulus package for the school, rounds of applause echoed from supporters, while stunned silence reverberated across rows of anti-Jake minions.

A large portion of the speech focused on the big issues facing the school. Jake outlined his strategy for the War on the Equestrian. “We need to concentrate the resources of the school,” exclaimed Jake, “we must breed an army for one purpose: to destroy the Equestrian.”

“A brighter future is on the horizon,” he concluded, “With the success of Frostbite this year, and with Spring Wind looming near, I can say with confidence that Hempstead has been ushered into a new era of greatness.”

Jake’s speech addressed many important issues for the school. A supporter comments, “Jake’s astoundingly great leadership has ensured the security of the school for at least another few months.”

Feature Articles
Maniac Moodie Makes Miserable Article
Angry sophmore demands EqOnion staff position
Access to what?

Ian Moodie, a quasi-annoying Junior at Hempstead Senior High School, enjoys hanging out with EqOnion Staff Members and often asks why he isn't on their staff page. Moodie, known for his Dan-like temper, became particularly adamant as of late.

"Why don't you write some articles, ya dumbass!?" demanded Senior Editor Josh Lichti. Cool-Moe-Dae soon turned in two articles to the EqOnion for editing.

"The hobnobbing article was the most horrible piece of crap I have ever read," commented EqOnion Director of Human Resources and Talent Scout Matt Stemper. "The other article is even worse. It made me vomit with rage! I see no talent here.

June 27 brought an outburst of rage and stupidity at Matt Lichti's 19th birthday party. As an innocent staff member labored away on the website, Buffer Boy Moodie told this staff member, author of great articles such as Scroeder Adopts Sexy Senior Student, School System Scared of Student Server Access, and Chicago Oscars Revoked, "Your articles are the worst ever. They aren't even good at all."

Click here to read Ian's Hobnobbing article as it was submitted.

"I mean we realize it's summer and no one reads the website, but we still have standards," said staff writer and birthday boy Matt Lichti in disgust.

Even sister Meredith Moodie has no mercy for Ian. "He tends to be rather annoying," she told EqOnion reporters at a late night "get-together."

"The article is completely revolting, almost as revolting as the kid himself," comments Junior Alicia Owens. "And he smells really bad."

BufferBoy has been inducted into the infamous Hall of Shame




Video Scandal Tarnishes Dan's Heavily-Tarnished Record
HyVee creditors follow trail of chicken grease.

Just when you thought it was safe, Dan Gonzalez is back at it again. It seems as if Dan is always up to some stupid scheme to cheat people out of money. Some of Dan’s more notable accomplishments have been thievery of buckets upon buckets of chicken and embezzlement of millions from the United States Government.

As many are now aware, Dan can no longer rent videos from any Hy-Vee Store. Though he has not actually been banned from Hy-vee, Dan has an outstanding late fee of $27.68. Using Dan’s “superlogic,” he figures that if he never again rents from Hy-Vee, his late fee will disappear. “What that kids’s problems? Me has big muscles,” says recent Hempstead Graduate BJ Eiben. Dan has actually revealed plans of conspiring with Hy-Vee employee Emily Veach in an attempt to mystically clear the debt from HyVee’s records. “I think that she’ll just erase my fine if I give her like a dollar” Dan told EqOnion reporters while stuffing his mouth full of chicken, “I guess I’ll just restart my diet tomorrow”

When questioned by EqOnion reporter Matt Lichti as to why he just doesn’t pay Hy-Vee back, an enraged Dan bellowed “I don’t have ANY money! Why can’t I get some more welfare to pay for it?”

When asked how he would spend his graduation money, Dan refused to reply. After further questioning, he admitted he planed to put it to use on something special. “One word, buckets and buckets of chicken,” retorted an anguished Dan.

As long as Dan continues to show us glorious acts of stupidity like this, The EqOnion will continue to provide readers with quality entertainment.




School System Scared of Student Server Access
School implements warning message.
Click

Hundreds of innocent students were shocked Thursday with an appalling message when logging onto the Dubuque Community School District Server, in essence proclaiming death to anyone intelligent enough to get around passwords. And with the District running the most secure network, Windows NT, only the best hacker in Iowa needs to worry about repercussions. Still, hacker-supreme Luke Kutsch has not an ounce of fear in his heart.

Luke Kutsch, hacker aliases "eon", and "Dasso", has driven terror into all of the district’s tech personal and administration within a 50 mile radius. Using the ability to change any file or folder as he sees fit and to use net send at will, all passwords are useless. Even with this unlimited power, the "eon" still manages to stay humble. When asked about his truly praise-worth power, all he had to say was "What are you talking about???? I didn't do it, it was Siglow!” (referring to Derek Siglow, a sophomore with a full blown case of senioritis).

What "Dasso" plans to do with this power is unclear, but one thing is clear - sweeping changes are in order. In a message left at the Forum, Kutsch says "I don't know how this is going to end; I'm telling you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to show these people a network without you, a network without passwords or net send restrictions, a network where anything is possible.”




Hempstead's D-Wing Superstar is Untouchable
A-Bizzle is leaving his mark on the school.

Throughout Adam Balk's high school career, he has known that he's been special. Early in Mr. Balk's academic journey, he felt it necessary to work hard in order to attain a certain level of scholarly genius. However, approximately half way through his eighth grade year, Senioritis kicked in. Ever since that fateful day, this guy has not put forth one once of effort and insists on being called "A-Bizzle."

Consistently this man waltzes into class at least 15 minutes late, but faces absolutely no repercussions from instructors. A-Bizzle holds the new D-Wing record of welding exactly 14 freshman zippers together. Fellow plastics student known only as "fat pot head" had this to say of A-Bizzle, "The kid's outta' control. I hate him soooo much. But at the same time, am in very much love with him...In a strictly non-homosexual sort-of-way of course." It is rumored that Balk has caused no less than half a dozen of the year's fire and tornado drills.

A-Bizzle's unique style of D-Wing behavior has spawned a whole new following of "Balkelite D-wingers." One such Balkelite is senior, Brian Waterman. "I don't know how he does it. Any time I try to pull half the stuff he does, my teacher cracks me upside the head and calls me a @*%$>#^ idiot. A-Bizzle is my idol."

EqOnion Frequent C-Mac Daddy found himself in an awkward position when for the first time in his high school career, he decided to venture his way into the D-Wing to challenge a certain "Industrial Plastics.” "I didn't know anybody and all the machines looked so scary. Balk took me under his wing and I went from a C to an A. A-Bizzle has been like a father to me."

A-Bizzle is arguably the messiah of sorts for D-Wingers everywhere. Next time you notice Sir Adam Balk walking next to you, just remember, you are in the presence of a truly great man.




C-Mac Blows It, Again
Saga of throwing economics competitions for Katie Potts continues.
I want a Bling, Bling Keychain

With less than a month remaining before prom, a heavy burden rested on the shoulders of Cory “sea bass” McDermott. With three other team members weighing him down, and a life-altering choice to make, C-Mac pondered his options. The all-knowing economic genius knew he could easily outwit his opponents, but an external source of stress weighed heavily on his mind.

“The marginal benefit of triumphing in the economics regional competition was far below the marginal cost,” declared Cory. Winning the regional competition would have necessitated traveling to New York City and missing prom. C-Mac felt forgoing his night with Katie Potts was just unacceptable. “It was against my nature to throw the match, but I feel it was worth it,” Cory added.

Other members of Cory's team were disgusted with his performance. "I admit it, C-Mac was the whole team, without him we're less than nothing," commented an angry Eric Wilson. Harsh remarks could be heard from other team members, disappointed in the performance of C-Mac. "Cory really shot us in the foot with that 300 dollar answer," another loser comments, "where the hell did he come up with that?"

"The performance of Cory is disgusting!!" shouted a gesturing sweater-vest sporting teacher, "Disgusting! Disgusting! Disgusting!" Spectators note that D.C. Schroeder could be seen during the match silently slashing all Cory’s mistakes. “This is utterly despicable!” he exclaimed.

The team from Indiana and the Hempstead team placed first and second in the written round, advancing to the quiz bowl match. Near the end of the quiz bowl round, Cory could be heard muttering under his breath, "this one's for you, Katie." Cory proceeded to throw the match. When the dust had settled, with C-Mac's help the team from Indiana triumphed over Hempstead, and C-Mac’s team finished second. Incidentally, this allowed Cory to prove his worth and win a $500 savings bond without risking victory and a free trip to New York over prom weekend.




Supreme Court Outlaws a Dubuque Tradition.
The Court ruled Monday that Cross Burning is No Longer a Protected Form of Free Speech.

The Supreme Court's decision made it illegal for a cross to be burned in order to intimidate or terrorize another person. The burning of a cross, a trademark symbol of the Ku Klux Klan, has long been protected under the first amendment.

Many people in Dubuque, a town nationally known for a series of cross burnings that occurred more than ten years ago, were outraged. "This is terrible," commented Dubuquer Whit Power, "one less thing we can do in this already boring town. Now how can we express our ignorance...I mean express ourselves."

Others seemed pleased with the court's decision; "I fully support it, its one step towards outlawing flag burning; and anything that limits our freedom of speech is fine by me," added Rod Blume. No matter your opinion on the matter, it's a clear blow to the leisure schedule of Dubuque's lowest common denominator.




C-Mac Blows It
Cory McDermott throws economics match for Katie Potts’ affection.

Under pressure from his prom date to perform poorly in Thursday’s State Economics Challenge, Cory McDermott deliberately threw the match in favor of the inferior Hempstead “B” team.

C-Mac was placed on the “A” team from Hempstead, not realizing that the National Econ Challenge was to take place the same weekend as Hempstead’s Prom. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, it was obvious from C-Mac’s ridiculous answers that he cracked under the pressure from the female influence.

“I don’t blame Cory,” A-team member Tom Kukla said. “I would trade it all for a night with Katie Potts too.

Hempstead sent two teams to the Econ Challenge, and the two teams advanced to face each other in the state championship match. The “A” team consisted of the Lichti brothers, C-Mac, and Kukla. The “B” team, made up of Ben Accinelli, Kevin Hansen, Eric Wilson, and Nik Hitchcock, handily defeated the “A” team by a score of 100-90.

“Going to New York City with last year’s Econ team was the greatest experience of my life,” said instructor and Econ coach Dennis Schroeder, “because I got to caress a bar of gold.”

After the first three rounds, the Hempstead teams were tied for first and second place, setting up the infamous championship showdown.

“Not getting an assured National Championship and a $3,000 scholarship pales in comparison to a night with Katie Potts.” said a joyous C-Mac.




Future National Merit Scholar Extremely Lazy
Eric "Ogre" Wilson, future national merit scholar and standardized test taker supreme, was recently determined to be the laziest person ever.

The indicators all point towards Ogre as having a laziness percentage of at least 96%, dangerous levels for any normal human being. He has become so lazy, that he no longer carries his books to class. Instead, he hides them somewhere in the classroom, and then "pretends" that he "forgot" them the day before. All this is a crude ploy to never have to go to his locker again.

When Eric's absolutely best friend ever, Cory McDermott, was told of this he reacted with extreme surprise, "I always thought Ogre was a good kid, one who worked hard for his grades, and never gave up. I never would have thought he would stoop so low as to hiding his books............... I hear you can get suspended for that."

Even though he scored an amazing 233 on the PSAT, Eric still seems to lack the common sense that his laziness will someday kill him. Quite often he will leave coats at school, braving the cold icy winds of a frigid Dubuque winter, simply because he was too lazy to walk down to his locker to get it.




Hempstead’s Biggest Head Set to Release Reggae Album
C-Mac's new album release is the talk of reggae fans everywhere.

Displaying his brand new look for all to see on Wednesday, Cory “C-Mac” McDermott announced to the world his plans to be the biggest thing to hit the reggae world since Bob Marley.

With his hair standing straight up and braided with rubber bands, C-Mac announced that his new album, You’d Hate the World Too If Your Head Was This Big, will soon be released. Hit songs off of his debut album include Republicans: We’re Gayer Than You Think We Are and Chicks Dig Guys With Big Heads . . . Wait, No They Don’t.

“I prefer for my style of music to be referred to as reg-gay.” C-Mac said. “It’s a new genre that’s all my own. I’m the only one with a big enough head to pull it off.”

After a brief period of exile after his humiliating Quiz Bowl defeat at the hands of Team Fission, C-Mac said, “I just needed to go and find myself. When I did, this is what I came up with.”

Responses to the new hairstyle for C-Mac ranged from “Oh my God, you’re an idiot,” to, “You hair looks sexy. Do me now.” The latter quote is rumored to have been said by Dan Gonzalez.




Hempstead Senior Enjoys Challenges of Film Appreciation
Student drops AP English to embark on a more challenging path.
4.26 and White Renaissance – Ridiculous

National Merit Scholar, Matt Lichti, is having an excellent time in Mr. Resch's second hour Film Appreciation class, and says it's a step up from his previous English classes. "AP Literature was fun, but was just below my level of mental sophistication," Matt said, who took a semester of Ms. Swift’s Advanced Placement class before moving across the hall to the Resch room this semester. "I mean sure, writing about Crime and Punishment is enjoyable, but I felt constricted. Analyzing the film, Babe, is what separates the geniuses from the rest of the honor students."




Hempstead Social Studies Teacher Seeks New Career as Auctioneer
Ms. Schwagler plans to use her ability to speak fast to find new job.
APUS was pointless

AP Government teacher Ms. Schwagler's talent to speak incredibly fast may earn her a position as an auctioneer in the area. "Sure I make a fortune as a teacher, but auctioneering is where the real cash is," said Schwagler (or at least we think that's what she said, she's incomprehensible most of the time). "Sure her sense of style is great, but an auctioneer? I don't know," said student, Ben Accinelli, "I think she'd be better off as the next spokesperson for micromachines." "Anything to get her to stop asking 'Why' all the time, that's fricking annoying," said Aaron Hemmer. Whatever her future plans may be, we here at the EqOnion wish her luck.




Poll: Craig Kilburg's Popularity Diminishing
A recent EqOnion poll has confirmed suspicions that Craig Kilburg is a loser.
Worthless

After riding a wave of popularity for his 10,000 dollar scholarship from ESPN and his perfect score on the ACT, Craig's approval ratings have taken a swift turn downhill. "He's just completely full of himself, but he doesn't have a reason to be," exclaims Hempstead student Matt Stemper. President Jake Freiburger has released a statement declaring that Craig has been added to the "axis of evil" mentioned in his state of the school address.

Several teachers have come down on Craig as well. AP Government teacher, Mrs. Schwagler, reported that Craig is "hostile, arrogant, and less than attractive." AP Economics teacher, Dennis Schroeder, also accused Craig of being a quitter since he dropped AP Econ for lack of initiative.