"we jump to conclusions so you don't have to"

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CRISIS! District Retirement Plan Backfires
Benefits package ‘just too good’ – every employee announces retirement.
So... anyone want a job?

In a misuse of reported intelligence not seen since the decision to go to war with Iraq, a Dubuque Community School District offer made to teachers has sent the school system into a backlash, wreaking havoc at high schools across the city.

A proposal was announced on Thursday by DCSD Superintendent John Burghart outlining a benefits package designed to entice many elder members of the district into retirement.

“With a trickle-down effect in federal education budget cuts, it has become apparent that it would be beneficial for us if many of our teachers that are on the higher end of the pay scale take an early retirement,” Burghart said. “Unfortunately, we now have quite a situation on our hands.”

District consultants seem to have miscalculated just how well the plan would go over. Although monetary terms of the package were not disclosed, sources inside the Hempstead political hierarchy have told the EqOnion that the plan outlines a revolutionary “rule of 25” policy. According to the plan, a teacher is eligible for retirement if the combined age and years of experience of the teacher exceeds 25.

Naturally, every teacher and even some students are eligible for this new exemption. Early Friday morning, every teacher employed by the school district submitted papers announcing their retirement, sending the district into crisis mode.

“I’m not supposed to say anything about what they are actually offering us,” a teacher said Saturday, “but let’s just say you’ll see many Dubuque teachers dominating Fortune 500’s next list of the wealthiest people in the world.”

With no teachers available, all Dubuque schools are closed indefinitely. Burgart is unsure as to when classes will be able to resume.

“We are considering bringing in nationally prominent politicians to teach classes,” Burgart said. “Because they obviously believe they are more knowledgeable about education then we are.”

While they are unsure of the exact reason for the closing students are not so disappointed about the untimely of the cancellations.

“What? School cancelled due to teacher retirement? That’s ridiculous!” senior Mollie Lange said. “I thought we had all these days off for National Merit Scholar Appreciation Month!”

CBS Apologizes for Super Bowl Halftime Incident: Claims Brother was to Blame
Report: Michael Jackson was the one dancing with Justin.
I just naturally changed into a white woman... no plastic surgery

As the FCC scrambles to sift through the rubble of a disastrous Super Bowl halftime show, CBS has issued a report today explaining what really happened during the perplexing performance.

“Despite previous claims that Janet Jackson would be appearing at halftime,” CBS president Mel Karmazin said Tuesday, “it was actually Michael Jackson who was on stage dancing with Justin Timberlake.”

The halftime entertainment was very risqué, and became extremely controversial when Timberlake appeared to tear away part of Janet’s costume, apparently exposing her breast.

“Everyone seemed offended that there was nudity on stage,” Karmazin said, “but it was just Michael with part of his shirt undone. What’s the big deal?”

Press releases before the Super Bowl claimed that Janet would perform along with fellow superstars Kid Rock, Nelly, and Timberlake. Once CBS was informed that Janet would not be able to appear, they immediately phoned Michael to take her place.

“We decided not to announce that Michael was taking Janet’s place,” Jackson family spokesperson Stephen Huvane said. “We thought no one would notice, and Michael wasn’t supposed to travel at all. Unfortunately, this incident occurred, and now the real truth must be known.”

Michael, Janet, and Justin were all unavailable for interviews, but reports hint at one wild post-Super Bowl party back at Michael’s NeverLand Ranch.

Howard Dean: Presidential Candidate or Professional Wrestler?
Post-caucus coverage dominates 18-24 male demographic.

Howard Dean’s invigorating speech may have been meant to electrify his supporters and spur on his campaign leading into the New Hampshire primary, but instead, the former governor’s adolescent antics have caused confusion among a rather uninformed voting population.

Many channel surfers, mostly those in the 18-24 male demographic, were calmly flipping through TV stations last Monday night. Searching for the new station carrying WWE Monday Night RAW, a popular wrestling program, many viewers instead found post-caucus coverage of the Howard Dean ‘victory’ party.

A riled up Dean was seen promoting his campaign, but the vigorous speech resembled more of a ringside trash-talk segment than a speech with political aims.

“Once I saw Dean grab the mic, I was hooked,” 20-year old wrestling fanatic Jason Duggan said. “Not only is he the most patriotic WWE superstar since Kurt Angle, but he’s also the most insane politician since George W. Bush!”

“Screamin’ Dean,” as he is now affectionately called by his opponents, has garnered an interest of many young voters, but also one very wealthy billionaire.

“If Howard would happen to lose the election,” WWE owner Vince McMahon said, “he’ll always have a home here at the WWE. We’re a very loving, warm, inviting group. We’re like any family, we fight, shout, and hit each other with metal chairs. Howie would feel right at home here.”

When asked about a possible contract with the popular sports entertainment group, Dean was quoted only as saying, “AAAAHHIIEEYAHHHH!

President Bush Announces New Year’s Resolution
Education proponents ecstatic over new proposal.

In light of the overwhelmingly positive feedback from his celebrated “No Child Left Behind” program, President George W. Bush announced last Tuesday after his State of the Union Address that he has decided to add a second stipulation to NCLB: No Child Gets Ahead.

When it was first introduced to public schools across the nation, the NCLB act was met with what might be considered mild skepticism from both parents and educators. However, once the design was clearly laid out and all ambiguity was erased, educators everywhere applauded the measure with exuberant enthusiasm, pledging to do everything in their power to assure every one of their students meets the state-determined standard – and that they keep their jobs.

“I think it’s good that students are presented with the standards they need to meet in order to be normal,” commented Hempstead’s Susan Swift. “After all, sameness and equality of intelligence is something we strive for in a public education system.”

We will form a coalition to destroy the axis of intelligence.

However, after readily plunging into Bush’s plan of action, administrators began to spot a miniscule hole in this otherwise flawless plan. In Iowa, for example, NCLB demands that all children fall above the 40th percentile. Yet, if 60 percent of children are above the 40th percentile, then it is obvious there is percentage of students, though slight, that falls below the 40th percentile.

Thus the introduction of Bush’s second education plan: No Child Gets Ahead.

“NCGA, in compliance with NCLB, is probably one of the best education measures Bush has yet taken,” said U.S. Secretary of Education Rod Paige Tuesday night after the president’s speech. “If even one child has more educational success than another, then obviously someone is being left behind.”

By insuring that no child gets ahead, schools in Iowa can be certain that no longer will any student fall below the 40th percentile.

And for each school that still fails to meet the standards, Bush plans to close that school and charitably donate its remaining funds to the NASA Space Program, where “the U.S. dollar will be put to a far greater good.”

Teachers Simply ‘Fill in the Blanks’ for Student Letters of Recommendation
College and scholarship references compare more to ‘Mad Libs’.

They are one of the most critical parts of the college application process. Forget the GPA, ACT score, or extracurricular activities. Any high school senior knows it’s the letters of recommendation that really matter.

Unfortunately, many students are learning the hard way that all their determination through four years of high school has added up to nothing more than a standard piece of paper with a colorful letterhead. It appears Hempstead’s teachers just aren’t putting in enough effort to these ever-important references.

“I asked my economics teacher for a letter of recommendation for a scholarship,” senior Jensen Fernando said. “What he gave me back didn’t relate to me at all. According to Schrobee, I’ve been a four-year cheerleader, flute section leader, and president of the Young Republicans. But I love John Kerry!”

The EqOnion has obtained templates that were given to teachers at the beginning of the year, and are being used as common stencils for recommendations. Teachers merely fill in the blanks with words that might vaguely describe the student, and leave the rest up to admission counselors. The following is an excerpt from one of the templates:

“For the past (insert numeral) of years, I have known (name) to be a very upstanding student. (He/She/It) is one of the most (verb) and (adjective) People I have ever come in contact with. This person has very good grades (I think) and may or may not have participated in a variety of extracurricular activates throughout their time at Hempstead. (He/She/It) would be a very worthy person for acceptance to your 4 year college, 2 year junior college, vocational or technical school.”

Students were at one point deceived by the teachers’ ploy to get out of rather easy work, but are beginning to catch on.

“I was amazed when my English teacher got my reference letter back in only a couple of hours,” Kelly Schueller said. “Then I realized all the gender clauses were mixed up. I am not a ‘he’ or a ‘fine young man’!”

New Year’s Festivities at Reverend’s Home Turn Dance Fest into Ruckus
Nerds ring in 2004 by breaking into the communal wine.

It all started out as a harmless celebration. What better way to welcome 2004 then by pool, 4-player DDR, and Trivial Pursuit? The unsuspecting Josh Weinhold invited numerous Hempstead students to his humble abode for the the “New Year’s Revolution” party, not knowing it would turn disastrous.

The students’ parents were reluctant to let their children go out on a night filled with over-intoxicated middle-agers cruising Dubuque throughout the night, but all it took was a simple line to convince the elders that the party was ok.

“Don’t worry, it’s at a pastor’s house. It’s ok, everyone will be strictly supervised and under control,” multiple honors students were quoted as saying. Permission was then granted for the students to attend the festivities.

As the New Year rapidly approached, all hell broke loose. Some raving college students, extremely excitable by the amount of DDR that had been played, went roaming around the reverend’s home. Sparkling grape juice would not be enough for them on this night.

The students livened up the party by discovering massive amounts of communal wine in the basement, and broke out the beverages just as the ball was dropping.

“As soon as we found the hard stuff, the party really picked up,” Dan Gonzalez said. “I’m thinking of entering the ministry, just for this!”

The party eventually dissolved in the wee hours of the morning, and great times were had by all.

Nerds Victorious Over Cheerleaders in Battle for Auditorium
Lord of the Rings marathon prevails over popular kids.

The board was set. The pieces were moving. It had come to it at last. The great battle of the time had begun.

In an epic struggle for all that is good and pure, nerds and geeks everywhere rejoiced at the victory handed down to Hempstead’s cheerleaders after an altercation early Tuesday evening.

Numerous EqOnion staffers and one random underclassman, aided by band director Shane Oswald, valiantly battled with the cheerleaders for the final control of the auditorium. The auditorium was reserved for the ultimate climax in motion picture history, as the EqOnion hosted the first two parts of its very own 12-hour Lord of the Rings Marathon. The rah-rah girls wished to use the same facilities for evil, awful purposes (namely, practicing their already ghastly dance routines).

“There comes a day when all that is right, all that is moral, must triumph over what may be considered popular,” former student body president Jake Freiburger told his nerd squad shortly before entering the auditorium. “A day may come when the courage of nerds fail. When we forsake our movie stars and break all bonds of the Fellowship. But it is NOT THIS DAY! TODAY WE FIGHT!”

Hundreds of casualties and numerous injuries were handed down on both sides, but in the end, the nerds won out. Due to the destruction, only ten warm bodies were present to view The Two Towers.

“There was just so much death; so much suffering,” sophomore T.J. Haislet said. “All I want right now is some ginger ale and some marshmallows.”

“There was nothing else the nerds could do against such reckless hate,” Oswald said. “We were forced to ride out and meet them, for death and glory!”

A New Alliance Forged by the EqOnion and the Hempstead Band
Director, site staffers sign pact, exchange gifts.

In a display of brotherhood not seen since the formation of the Fellowship of the Ring, dignitaries from Hempstead’s band and EqOnion.com formed a bond that will last forever – or at least for the next ten months.

The EqOnion officially became the Mustang Band’s first official sponsor on Monday night, and a banner bearing the site’s logo and web address was proudly draped across the front of the stage. Band director Shane Oswald was on the verge of tears as he spoke to the audience.

“This wonderful sponsorship is the pinnacle of my professional career,” Oswald said. “I never thought I would be able to create a program where someone would actually give money to my band. I’m even more stunned that such a great company like the EqOnion would be the first to endorse us.”

The $300 dollar donation made by the EqOnion and its benefactors has helped to create a partnership that will last well into the New Year. The colors of the EqOnion will fly high at all non-competitive performances through October of 2004.

“This is a crowning achievement in the history of the EqOnion,” auto mechanic Cory McDermott said. “We’re finally beginning to expand our boundaries outside of the Lichti’s basement.”

For all parties involved, Monday was truly a day that will go down in history as a date where a powerful, unbreakable alliance was formed. It is an alliance that is strong, steadfast, and one built on trust – something the band director holds very highly.

Mass Riots Break Out When Multiple Retailers Sell Out of Gigli
Chaos Claims Countless Numbers of Casualties.

On Tuesday December 9, retail stores nationwide experienced one of the greatest surges of consumer activity in recent memory. In one of the most anticipated days in the history of the world, Tuesday was the set release date of the blockbuster hit Gigli.

Mike Toske, executive for Dubuque's ol' Targét informed EqOnion reporters that "people had actually pitched tents and were willing to wait out the night so they could hopefully be the first to own this timeless masterpiece."

The first several thousand people to visit Dubuque retailers were actually able to purchase J-Lo's crowning achievement on DVD. It was soon apparent that supplies were being stretched dangerously thin. "They broke upon this fortress like water upon rock," declared broken-down Best Buy employee Travis McGee.

Many store workers had their lives threatened when they relayed the news that they had sold out of Gigli. A backroom worker at the ol' Targét known only as C-MAC Daddy was one of the many to be physically and mentally assaulted.

"We were caught off guard, how could we have possibly predicted the amazing demand for Gigli?" said an exasperated Mike Toske. "When Bad Santa hits the shelves on DVD, we'll be ready."

The total revenue from the Gigli release is projected to top all charts, becoming the #1 selling DVD of all-time, passing Finding Nemo, and The Two Towers, both previously released this year. While Siskel and Ebert gave the film two thumbs way down, EqOnion movie analyst Kenny Resch called Gigli “a work of pure genius. I laughed, I cried, I nearly vomited. This is the only movie that I have ever viewed that has presented such a wide range of emotions through such bad acting. It’s a powerful piece of cinema.”

An EqOnion Retrospective
Everything you've always wanted to know (and some things you didn't) about your favorite satirical news website.

Ever wonder how the EqOnion came about? Remember the good ol’ days when the EqOnion was just a dream? Love the time the site was actually called “The Yellow Journalist?”? This history is for you.

Here is the most comprehensive, thorough history of the EqOnion to date. This interactive tour takes you through the various stages of the EqOnion, from December 2002 to December 2003. This epic tale is split into various sections, with links to old site formats along the way. Enjoy!

Rapping Teen Makes a Scene
New artist is off the heezy bo jeezy.

It’s out with the old and in with the new as rising star Katie Leick raps her way to the top, and the artist formerly known as T-Munny is quickly running out of change.

Leick, known to her newer devotees by the more lascivious name of K.T. Like, made her claim to fame when she topped the charts with her hit single, “Big Belly ’Tata.”

“Fo’ shizzle, I get my inspiration from my nizzle C-Mac in da house Daddy himself,” commented Like in an interview last Saturday. “I mean, he really taught me how to be a badass tata' 'hata 'n shit.”

Like isn’t only popular with the younger generation. Her music has also attracted a following of older, more mature adults.

Nathan Oswald, known for his football-coaching, fly-mating, and English teacher-dating skills is just one of these older fans.

“K.T. Like’s music is some of the best smut out there,” said Oswald. “I’ve even been able to use her work as learning material for my Environmental Science Class… ’n shit.”

In order to enhance her career as an influential musician and role model, K.T. Like plans to drop out of school and sign a $2 million contract with Hanky Pank Records.

“There’s nothing like knowin’ what kind o’ nizzle to tizzle with, if ya know what I’m sayin’,” said Like. “And signing with a steady, reputable company like Hanky Pank is a fo’ shizzle start.”

American Obesity Rates 6,000% Higher Than Iraq’s
“Boo-yah!” says President Bush.

In another stirring development in the war against terror, it has been found that America is beating the Iraqis on all fronts—most notably obesity. President Bush expounded on the victory in an address to the nation. “No longer do we have to cower in terror as fast-food restaurants open in even the far corners of the axis of evil. We have decisively whomped the evil terrorists in our extreme bulk.”

The rise in television watching and junk food eating has been considered to have greatly contributed to our victory. It has been noted that a majority of Iraqis do not even own a television, and those that do are no longer with power to watch them. Also, exercise has become quite scarce in America even as the Iraqis are increasing their exercise from running away from tanks, mortar rounds, gunfire, missiles, etc. The food intake of America has increased exponentially over the past few years, while the food intake of the Iraqis has increased only arithmetically.

Even with these insurgents, America is going strong, with much hope for the future. This hope comes in the form of increasingly high childhood obesity rates. Even in the face of fat camps the children avoid the publicity campaigns and eager pleading of celebrities; they eat to their hearts content meal after meal. As President Bush said, “These kids are the future, our only hope in continuing our glorious struggle against the terrorists. These are the obese people of tomorrow.”

In the face of adversity, America will stand stout, boldly defying clogged arteries and diabetes. For this is what America is all about.

Eat on America…and God bless.

Recent Study Reveals A.P. Students Slack Often
Education committee takes a stand.

What’s smart, intelligent, and incredibly bright? Until recently, anyone would have readily answered “an A.P. student.” However, lately students of this classification have been challenging the A.P. norm. According to a recent study conducted by the Committee for Rectifying Advanced Placement, or C.R.A.P., it’s certainly not the alleged “A.P. students” who are the intelligentsia of the new generation.

“Me no like to journal. Me no like no absurdities neither,” said honors student Eric Wilson when his exasperated A.P. Literature teacher implored her class to journal about Joseph Heller’s Catch-22.

Wilson isn’t the only student who feels this way.

In fact, the C.R.A.P. study revealed that only 23% of A.P. students do their homework, while14% merely contemplate their homework’s completion. The remaining 63% are undecided.

When questioned further, the majority of A.P. students agree that there just isn’t any work to do. So then why, year after year, do these perverse imbeciles continually include A.P. courses in their schedules?

“I like the whole environment of an A.P. class,” says Katie Leick, a pugnaciously verbose senior at Hempstead High School. “It presents me with a challenge without actually challenging me. But mostly, I take A.P. classes so that I can slack off.”

Many do not take lightly to this disturbing attitude toward the A.P. curriculum. Some feel that perhaps A.P. students might find a better challenge the more rigorous regular classes. However, D.C. Schroeder, chairman of C.R.A.P., has a different approach to the problem. “I truly believe that A.P. students have the ability to learn. They just need a little extra help,” Schroeder comments. His solution: be sure that his program makes its way into every school district and education system in the U.S.

Already, C.R.A.P. is making itself evident in schools around the country. “It really warms my heart to see how much C.R.A.P. is already in our education systems,” commented Schroeder, “But there’s still a lot more to do. It’s my personal goal to bring C.R.A.P. into the lives of each and every A.P. student.”

Schroeder to Star in Latest Edition of ABC’s The Bachelor
Econ teacher to receive choice of 25 lovely ladies.

Only adding to his legend as the hippest teacher at Hempstead High School, Social Studies department chair Dennis C Schroeder was announced as the next star of The Bachelor, ABC executives said today.

The hit series, in its third season, allows the most eligible bachelor in America to meet and date 25 women, allowing him to narrow down the contestants one-by-one until the lucky man finds his true love.

The lifetime bachelor, estimated to be in his early to mid-30’s, was selected for the show based on his overflowing amount of charm, charisma, and irresistibility.

“The first time I saw the slash, I was hooked,” ABC executive programming director Tom Reynolds said. “I don’t know how these ladies are going to be able to keep their hands off him.”

“Personally, I am very jealous of all those girls on the show,” freshman student Rachel Weinhold said. “I think he is one hot piece of man-flesh.”

Schroeder would not speak with reporters after the announcement was made, choosing instead to shower pedestrians with Tootsie-Rolls and locking himself inside his private residence at 1729 Avalon Drive.

“I always knew he was destined for glory,” coworker Lisa Lueken said. “But he’s always had a little trouble hooking up with the ladies. This finally might get him out of his house.”

According to ABC officials, the series will be filmed on location in Dubuque. Dates between Schroeder and the ladies will include late-night study sessions in economics, dinner over red-seedless grapes and roast rabbit, and discussions of dislike for presidents.

Swifty Calls for Resignation of EqOnion Senior Editor
A.P. English teacher furious with tardiness of student, T-shirt delivery.

English teacher Susan Swift, most famous for her legend of man-hating and crushing the love lusts of Andrea Griswold, has embarked on a power trip destined to destroy the EqOnion and all associated with it.

Furious over the lack of promptness of the delivery of her EqOnion T-shirt, Swift was at her breaking point. EqOnion founder and senior editor pushed her to the limits when he was noticeably absent from class one day. When asked by Swift as to the reason of his absence, Lichti simply replied “I overslept.”

In a Hulk-like mean-streak, Swift then went on a massive spree of destruction. Students’ essays and term papers were ravaged and destroyed, leaving Advanced Composition students’ grades in shambles. The destruction did not stop there, however.

In a fit of rage, Swift sent a vile email to the EqOnion, demanding for the resignation of Lichti. You can read Swift’s actual e-mail here. Little did she know, calling for the removal of Lichti would be the most disastrous thing to hit this world since the founding of The Equestrian. Without Lichti, there would be no EqOnion. No one else is capable of reproducing his mastery of HTML, and many of the graphics you have come to recognize as pure EqOnion would not exist without this wonderful man. We here at the EqOnion have developed our own example of what the site would look like with out this website demigod. Check out the remastered page without Lichti here.

See what we mean? Pretty awful, huh? Let Swifty know how blind she is to the world by replying to eqonion@mchsi.com and share your true feelings about the wonderfulness of Mr. Lichti, or the EqOnion in general.

Star-Crossed Lovers Face Tribulation From Conflicting Departments
Long-time warring subjects English and Science prevent Oz, Griz from true happiness.

The seeds of hatred among English and Science teachers goes beyond the power struggle beyond left-brain and right-brain. Centuries of dislike and conflict have driven a barrier between the two departments, and a long exercised no-contact policy has existed for decades.

This scholastic dislike for one another has caused an unfathomable amount of heartbreak for both Andrea Griswold and Nathan Oswald, two teachers destined to fall in love by fate, but forced to remain apart by their conflicting areas of expertise. Griswold, a rookie English teacher, had been at Hempstead for only a few days before the charming, suave A.P. Biology teacher Oswald wooed her into a first date.

The love between this two, though it was written in the stars, was quickly separated by the warring school subjects. Long-time rival department chairs Susan Swift and Brian Howes stepped between the two, forbidding the two to see each other ever again.

“While some of those vile science-geeks can be proficient at chemistry between molecules,” Swifty reportedly told Griswold, “they are not proficient at the chemistry between human beings. They aren’t worth the effort. And besides, Oz looks too much like C-Mac.”

Howes quickly retorted back to Oz “The only love you need in your life is a good ol’ pigskin. I’m sure the Disgruntled Goatz can provide all the comfort and support a man could ever need.”

Despite the conflict between English and Science, inside EqOnion sources report that Oz and Griz have been meeting secretly, namely on the mysterious third floor of Hempstead High School, under the guise of late-night football “planning sessions.”

Front-runner Jamin Hitchcock Drops Out of Race
After months of heavy campaigning, Hitchcock withdrawals from the race.
To Arrowhead, we always will be loyal to you, 
To our colors, scarlet, white, blue.
And we will fight for victory and honor.
And we will win this game.
We'll keep our spirits bright.
We'll never give up the fight.
Our school will go on for evermore.
To Arrowhead we will be loyal.

In a tearful testimony yesterday, front-runner and financial backer of the recall campaign Jamin Hitchcock was forced to pull out of the election, as it became evident that he no longer goes to Hempstead.

“I want to thank all of the people who supported me, and I urge you all to support Brandon Tokheim,” Jamin commented.

While Hitchcock’s exit from the race may appear to open the way second place Mason Hoffman to take the lead, other candidates have rushed to fill the void. Ian Moodie, Adam Lary, and Mr. Oswald himself have all entered the race as of yesterday. Many people, however, remain skeptical of the recall election.

“This is completely ridiculous,” said Economics Professor Dennis Schroeder, “This recall election is just an attempt by that burn out Jake Freiburger to get some more attention. I don’t see why he can’t just admit that no one cares anymore?”

Freiburger Enters Presidential Race
Former school leader plans to return the school to prosperity.
I wouldn't be the first 2003 graduate to drop out of college.

During a recent appearance on a late night talk show, former Hempstead President Jake Freiburger announced his official candidacy in the recall election of Justin Potter. Freiburger, widely regarded as the greatest ruler in Hempstead history, plans to terminate the oppressive rule of his successor.

“I have been monitoring the degradation of the school for many weeks now,” Jake revealed, “Potter has failed miserably on all of his duties.” Freiburger has stated his first action after reclaiming his throne will be to fix the horrible homecoming mess. “Star Wars is much cooler than Harry Potter,” he declared.

School officials also released plans to outsource the running of the special election to the EqOnion, famous for its historic coverage of the Dan Debate last year, as well as the prestigious Schrodie awards.

The Recall election itself has become a virtual circus, with over 50 people running, including Jamin Hitchcock, Tyler Breitbach, and Mason Hoffman, as stated earlier, but now also famous rapper T-Munny, and star athlete Nate Jung. Distinguished actor Brandon Tokheim, famous for his role in this summer’s smash hit Gorkonator vs. Executionator, and Socialist candidate Matthew Stemper have also announced their candidacy.

Early polls place Jamin Hitchcock as the front-runner, with a slight edge over Potter and all other contenders, however his margin has been declining steadily since Freiburger’s announcement.

Students Demand Recall Election of Justin Potter
Electorate unhappy with student government president.
I am not a crook

Less than a month into the new school year, angered students are already demanding an end to the tyrannical regime of Justin William Potter. School officials have remained quiet, but according to the Hempstead constitution, if 100 students and three teachers sign a petition, a recall election may be held to determine whether the president will remain in power, and if not, who will replace him.

“Potter has broken promise after promise that he made in his campaign,” said angry sophomore Adam Lary, “It’s time we hold our politicians accountable.”

An unnamed source within executive council, known only by the alias ‘math nerd’ has shed new light on the situation. “It was evident from the start that Potter needed to go,” the anonymous informant revealed, “he’s betrayed everyone’s trust time and time again, and we will not, and cannot allow him to rule our school.”

Most teachers were reluctant to comment, but several seemed supportive of the students’ efforts. “I think they may be on to something,” said political expert David Orr.

So far, several candidates have indicated that they will run if the recall election goes through. Former student senator Jamin Hitchcock, who is bankrolling the recall campaign, was the first to enter the race. Other notable candidates include current vice president Tyler Breitbach, as well as movie sensation Mason Hoffman, best known as the internet’s Star Wars Kid. More on the story as it develops.

AP. Literature Discovered to be Training Grounds for Mass Murderers
Recent class discussions focus on killing.

EqOnion sources inside Hempstead High School have shed new light on the once-elite A.P. Literature class and its instructor, Susan Swift. Previously mistaken as merely a tutorial on constructing essays and analyzing famous works of literature, A.P. Lit has been exposed as a breeding ground for terrorists and murderers.

Recent discussions in the second hour class have centered on evil, savagery, and each students beliefs on their personal ability to kill.

“I try to get my students to closely analyze the sense of brutality exemplified in such books as Lord of the Flies,” commented Swift, “and then we focus on each individual student, and they share with us their feelings on killing others.”

Some students were more reluctant than others to talk about brutally murdering other human beings, but certain shy, quiet students jumped right in to talk about killing.

“I definitely think I would be capable of killing someone, if something really, really bad happened.” said senior Erin Nebel.

The discussion then focused on a preferred type of murder weapon. “I definitely wouldn’t use an ax,” said Kelly Schuller. “That’s not the way I’d want to kill someone.”

When informed of the murder speak in A.P. Lit, science teacher Nathan Oswald said, “I always suspected those English teachers. They’re all insane, I tell ya. All of ‘em.”

Executive Council Announces Homecoming Theme
After much deliberation, Harry Potter theme chosen for homecoming dance.
Hey, at least its not Star Wars!

Student body president, Justin Potter, recently revealed the plans for Hempstead's homecoming week to an EqOnion writer. Potter was extremely excited about the executive councils final decision, and his eyes glistened with anticipation. “Harry Potter has been my hero for many years now,” the president admitted.”

"With the postponement of Homecoming to the day after Halloween, it became apparent that Harry Potter decorations would be extremely easy to obtain," Potter stated. "Wands will be included with the tickets," he added. Vice President Tyler Brietbach has already placed an order for a specially tailored set of hot pink Hogwart’s robes.

Student government has announced a change of activities during the week. A wizard's duel has been scheduled for Tuesday evening and the customary homecoming football game has been canceled in favor of a Quidditch match between the junior and senior classes.

New School Year Heralded as "Year of the Cockroach."
The war between man and cockroach is at hand.
I ain't afraid of no roach

There is hardly a single person, or living thing for that matter, who hasn't caught word of the infestation of Hempstead High School. In recent years, students have noticed an ever-increasing bug problem.

Local heartthrob and AP Biology instructor Nathan Oswald revealed to a terrified class just one of his "meetings with destiny."

"I was amazed at the little guys' uncanny ability to survive. The energy/candy bar that I left out overnight had been swarmed by a band of bloodthirsty bugs."

When questioned about the size of Hempstead's cockroach population, Oswald replied, "The force numbers six billion strong, at least."

On Wednesday August 27, Principal David Olson spoke to group of apprehensive seniors about the bugs. He stressed the need for occasional bathing. Olson sent out a stern message to area homeless. "We don't need ya' roun' here no mo'. Just take ur' corrugated ass roach houses away from us and back where they belong."

Hempstead students were also relieved to learn of the appointment of Mark Burns to the noble title of "Bug Czar." "I will do whatever it takes to take out those little buggers," said a teary-eyed Burns.

In the end, all were assured of at least two things.

"I'd have to say my favorite movie is Ferris Bueller's Day Off," Principal Olson proudly exclaimed, "Wanna know my favorite color?......It's green.......green and gold."

Feature Articles
Late-night Snow Drift Antics Punctuate ‘Strangest Day Ever’ for Many Students
Mullet-man strands car, burns incense, eats protein all in 3-hour span.
Chicks dig the mullet!

A Saturday nighttime adventure to Flora Park to rescue a fallen friend capitalized one of the craziest evenings in recent memory for a number of high school students.

Many cell phones resonated with the frantic cries of Hempstead junior Nathan Jung, who had foolishly gotten his car stuck on a curb in the middle of Flora Park, while attempting to do car tricks in 16-inch deep snow drifts. About a dozen of Jung’s closest friends quickly arrived on scene, helping him to remove the stranded Subaru, which really belonged to his parents.

Using a wide array of sledding saucers and snow shovels, the students were finally able to push the lodged auto about 300 yards, finally achieving freedom and relief for the unfortunate Jung.

“I can’t thank these guys enough,” a tearful Jung said. “I owe these guys big time, and I mean BIG time.”

The night did not end there however. In reward for saving him from a LONG explanation to his parents, Jung rewarded his friends with a night of free reign over his house.

The refrigerator was raided, the hot tub was at full steam, and everything at the house was fair game. The crazy antics concluded one of the strangest nights ever for a few EqOnion staffers.

“I woke up this morning and didn’t know where I was,” Josh “J-Dub” Weinhold said. “Then I realized I was in Illinois and was even more confused.”

“After I went to MoonDog Music and had a very ‘culturally enlightening’ experience I didn’t think it could get any better,” Josh Lichti said, “now, I don’t know what to say, other than the fact that my feet are really, really cold!”

For many, Saturday was a night to remember. The events of the evening were carefully concealed by all who were involved. In closing, all Jung had to say was “I just hope my parents don’t read this site!”

Editor’s Note: This article is comprised largely of inside jokes and large elaborations on the events of Saturday, February 7. If you do not understand this story, you probably did not spend anytime with Nathan Jung on that evening. You have no reason to feel left-out or uncool.

Hempstead’s Finest Head (and Biggest Nerd) to be Featured in Equestrian
C-Mac Daddy shows off his moves on date with popular girl.
Click Here

The one, the only Cory “C-Mac Daddy” will be featured in the January edition of the Equestrian, Hempstead’s student produced newspaper.

In a press conference today, advisor Linda Jegerlehner released a few small details about the center spread featuring Hempstead’s biggest head.

“Our whole intention here was to get a total loser a date with a very attractive lady,” Jegerlehner said. “Mr. McDermott was the obvious choice. If I walked down the halls and saw C-Mac walk by, I would say ‘Wow! What a pathetic loser!’”

The feature, entitled ‘Dear Equestrian, Please Get My Hopeless Loser Friend a Date!” gives a 5-step guide to dating for students everywhere. McDermott was given tips on how to woo a gorgeous girl, but ends up failing miserably in all aspects of the courtship.

“I was deceived,” said the girl who went on the date with C-Mac. “I was told I would enjoy a romantic evening with a tall, dark handsome man. Instead, I got this scrawny, pasty-skinned nerd with a huge head!” The student’s identity is being withheld for her protection.

Equestrian graphic editor Bob-O Lombardi thinks the feature will be a stepping stone for C-Mac’s career. “First it was the reggae album, than Econ Challenge, now its a whole two pages displaying his Cupid-like love charm!” Lombardi said. “What’s next? The White House? . . . or even better, Hempstead principal? Could it be? I think anything is possible with a head like his.”

C-Mac was unavailable for comment at press time, with his agent explaining the young Cory is still in shock over the fact that a girl ‘actually talked and made a small amount of eye contact’ with him.

Misguided Students Confuse True Meaning of ‘FrostBite Week’
Stemper puts lies in head of wandering freshman students.
I'd do anything to pick up freshmen girls.

A vicious circle of lies begun by Matt Stemper has become blown out of proportion and harmed the strong reputation and destroyed the true meaning behind ‘FrostBite Week.’

The snide junior has compromised the integrity of FrostBite Week by convincing freshman that the week of fun activities is not just meant as a relaxing time from finals, but instead is much different.

According to Stemper, FrostBite Week is meant to be taken literally. All students should wear minimal amounts of clothing, and run around outside in the bone-chilling temperatures, freezing a majority of their bodies. Stemper also suggests that the night activities of the week include snow ball fights, making snow angels and licking frozen metal poles.

“The best way for a student to express himself or herself after a rigorous semester exam schedule,” the impeccably politically-correct Stemper said, “is to parade around in as little clothing as possible, celebrating the free-spirit and overall aura a new semester presents.”

Administrators are livid with Stemper’s behavior, and plan to take action. “I think that bleach-blonde hair has really gone to his head,” AP Mark Burns said. “Not only are students running around unclothed, but nobody is buying any of those incredibly attractive eggplant colored FrostBite t-shirts!”

“I kind of like it, especially that Stemper in that adorable yellow swimsuit!” said English teacher Andrea Griswold.

“All I say to the students of Hempstead,” David Olson said in a speech Tuesday, “is that we must stay the course. We will not compromise with that madman, we will prevail.”

National Merit Scholars Failing Out of School
Release of new dance game causes drastic drop in GPA.

It has been only a few short months since the release of Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix for X-Box, yet already it has wreaked havoc on central Iowa’s best and brightest. Following its arrival to Barton Hall, Matt Lichti, Nathaniel Perlewitz, and Nik Hitchcock have all seen a noticeable drop in grades, with devastating effect.

“I’m thinking about changing my major to Political Science,” said Lichti, “that way I won’t actually have to be conscious to pass tests.”

“Dance Dance Revolution has changed my life for the better,” said Hitchcock, “I used to be a pathetic loser nerd that couldn’t dance my way out of a wet paper bag. But now I can boogie!” He is currently planning to change his major to Underwater Basket Weaving.

Nathaniel Perlewitz, on the other hand, was more philosophical. “DDR has helped me realize that going to class is pointless. Who needs a college education when you can rhythmically hop about on a pad with arrows on it?” Perlewitz is currently applying for jobs as a janitor or high school economics teacher.

“It’s important to keep focus when you are at college,” advised Hitchcock, “oftentimes you get caught up in classes and homework, but eventually you realize it’s the little things, like playing DDR and pirating music off the internet, that really shape who you are. I think it is important for today’s high school students to understand that.”

Editors Note: The EqOnion does not encourage or condone changing your major to Political Science, regardless of circumstances.

What Else is There to Say?
Return of the King does not disappoint.

After multiple, multiple viewings of Peter Jackson’s cinematic masterpiece, all we have to say is WOW!!! Rumors before the movie’s release declared Return of the King to be the greatest movie ever, and we must agree. The movie was everything the EqOnion expected it to be, and even more. We never thought we would say this, but RotK even tops Gigli and Bad Santa for finest film of the year.

The atmosphere and excitement of a midnight showing for the greatest movie ever is nothing short of miraculous. Tyrannical movie theater employees stood inside their warm little box office as hundreds of freezing fans duel with trivia and quote from the movie, the impending excitement was almost too much to bear.

The following is an account of a Hempstead student who will remain anonymous. This young man’s parents, who are clearly allies of Sauron, prevented this poor red-head from going to the midnight showing. Here is his tale, completely unedited. If you would like to share your thoughts on Return of the King, drop us an e-mail, and share your wonderful story.

Shoppers Question the Relevance of Jesus to Christmas
Many ponder holiday’s true meaning.

As the Christmas holiday quickly approaches, many avid Christmas celebrators are, for the first time, beginning to question the true meaning of this holiday, and wonder if they have perhaps been blind to some of the older traditions.

Evidence of this sentiment is apparent in stores around the nation, where figurine arrangements following a common theme of an infant in a manger pervade retail centers everywhere.

Experienced shoppers, such as Susan Applebee and Margaret Sanger suggest that this is a sign of the faltering ideals of Americans.

“I think that appearance of the so called ‘nativity’ scenes is hard evidence that Americans are losing the true meaning of Christmas. What do baby Jesus, Mary, or sheep have to do with Santa Claus? Where are the reindeer, where are the Christmas trees? I’m just not seeing the connection,” says Applebee.

Sanger agrees with Applebee, claiming that the nativity is a desperate attempt to bring religion to a secular occasion. “After all,” says Sanger, “Christmas has been declared by the U.S. Government a national holiday, and with the obvious separation of church and state, any association between Christianity and Christmas is completely absurd.”

Studies show that in just the past month the demand for the baby figurines has increased almost ten-fold from the previous month, and store profit regarding the sales of these items have increased by nearly one-hundred percent.

Anthropologist and economic analyst Josh Nagle argues that this is merely a passing fad of which stores are taking advantage, and the threat of baby Jesus is not as severe as some might surmise.

Nagle comments, “Despite the recent demand for the infant in the manger, I have no fear that the popularity of baby Jesus will ever surpass that of Santa Claus.”

Happy Birthday to us … Happy Birthday to us …
365 days old and still going strong...

The EqOnion has finally turned one year old! What a year it’s been! What with all the muck raking, war (on the Equestrian) mongering, and controversy we caused over the past twelve months, the year has really flown by. In honor of our first anniversary, we here at the EqOnion have been working tirelessly to provide you, our honored readers, with all sorts of cool, new content and material. Here’s a summary of all the new stuff, and some other stuff that’s in the developing stages.

New –


No joke, the rumors are true. The EqOnion now has its own domain name, and the staff members are working hard at making this colossal shift in website location. Look for more to come!

Site Design –

Thanks to graphic design extraordinaire Nathaniel Perlewitz, the EqOnion has a fresh, new look. In redesigning the look of the site, Perlewitz has produced an appealing design that’s simple, yet refined and business-like. The new design clearly is fit only for the finest of satirical news websites.

The History of the EqOnion –

Thanks to founder Nik Hitchcock and senior writer Josh Weinhold, an extensive history on the creation and success of the EqOnion is available on the website. The interactive tour will take readers through the many phases of the site, tracking back from the days of “The Yellow Journalist,” all the way through the beginning of the 2003 school year. Highlighted along the way are the many faces of the EqOnion, showing a variety of the previous designs of the site.

Staff Members –

Adding to the illustrious panel of staff members currently employed by the EqOnion, new talent and creativity will continue to contribute material for the site. Seniors Rachael Munn and Eric Wilson make their writing debut with a pair of feature stories displayed on the site with this update. Check out their ugly mugs on the staff page.

Coming Soon –

More Clothing –

Thanks to a generous new supplier, a variety of new EqOnion items are in the testing stage. Look for EqOnion boxer shorts, neck ties, and a variety of other surprises yet to come!

New Study Shows Painkillers Lead to Color-Blindness
Doped-up romantic confuses Orlando Bloom for Gary Coleman

The highly revered Nerd Squad recently released its disturbing findings after a grueling four-hour study of the effects of the pain-killers commonly prescribed after wisdom teeth removal. “In cases of even the least intrusive molar removal, the pain-medication prescribed alters the optical nerve in an unexpected way,” commented Cory “Shaggy-Chin” McDermott.

While observing the test group in a local cinema center, researchers were amazed at the rather unprovoked outbursts of ignorant comments by the test subjects. During the preview for the upcoming movie Troy, oral surgery patient Ian Moodie was unable to discern the identity “Orlando Bloom” from the list of stars, instantly causing the patient to viscously complain that “What the hell! There were no short black people in Troy. Why is Bloom in this #%$@!^& movie!!!”

The shocking results prompted heated comments from the distinguished legion of nerds. “I am appalled that the drug companies would allow a product on the market that leads to the confusion of Gary Coleman and Orlando Bloom,” reports Matt “Most Eligible Bachelor” Stemper. “All I know is that if I was this kid’s girlfriend I would look for a new boyfriend.”

Hairless Howes: The Real Truth Behind His Deficiency
Students perplexed by physics teacher’s baldness.

World renowned superhero (and physics teacher), Brian “department HEAD” Howes, has always been known for his excellence in chalkboard skills, eBay literacy, and roller coaster critique. However, something that has always perplexed and intrigued his students and fellow professional educators, is the mysterious phenomenon of his cranial region. “Hell, I’m twice his age and have luscious locks remaining on my head!” comments D.C. Schroeder.

Recent discoveries have unveiled a complete lack of respect for Howes by his students, obviously a direct result of his hair, or lack thereof. “The bright sun reflecting off Howes’ head is very disruptive to the learning environment,” physics student and star football player Nate Jung complained. Several similar complaints have been registered. Additionally, Howes' follicular deficiency has resulted in other problems. “Mr. Howes very smells bad!” exclaimed distraught former pupil Erin Nebel."

While some believe his hair loss is a result of Howes’ dedicated teaching career, others have theorized that it is due to a freak lab experiment involving dihydrogen monoxide, Mr. Bubble, and Nair, gone awry.

When analyzing the probability of an accident of this nature occurring, scientist Nathan “Not Shane” Oswald commented, “Indeed, the combination of these three elements, especially one as toxic as dihydrogen monoxide, would produce a catastrophic solution powerful enough to sufficiently annihilate a nogginal region comparable to that of Howes’.

Although Mr. Oswald’s theory has validity, it has faced prolific criticism from a prestigious group of intellectual geniusi anonymously known as the “NERD SQUAD.” “The high velocities and altitudes, not to mention the extreme G forces reached by high caliber coasters such as those ridden by Howes (eg the Whizzer of Six Flags) would certainly expedite the inevitable process of hair loss,” commented T-Munny aka ‘heart.’

Regardless of your theories concerning Howe’s follicularly challenged visage, the true origin of his baldness will never be known to man. At least he’s not as ugly as the twins, C-MAC and Oz.

Pathetic Loser Overjoyed by Making Renaissance
Bunt feels ‘life is complete now’

After years of wallowing in stupidity and ignorance, Hempstead student Yen Bunt finally pulled himself out of the primordial sludge of the bottom half of his senior class. Overjoyed by the results of his latest report card, Bunt declared himself ‘a changed man’ and vowed to revolutionize his ways.

For the first time since his freshman year, Bunt finally made an honor roll or Renaissance. Long known as the biggest slacker in the class, Bunt finally scraped together passing grades in all of his classes. Rumors of bribery and propaganda utilization immediately began swirling.

“I think his dad paid everyone off,” Equestrian editor-in-chief Sally Lang said. “It’s a conspiracy! The Telegraph Herald is out to get us all!”

“I don’t know how he managed to do it,” classmate Brad Willenbring said. “The kid is pure genius. I’ve asked him to start tutoring me now.”

Bunt feels born again after his most recent grades were released. “My life is now complete,” he said. “I’ve finally come full circle. I thought it couldn’t get any better after hosting the homecoming assembly and getting to dance with Coach West’s daughter, but this is the best thing that has every happened to me.”

Bunt attributes his success to his Seminar teacher, Mark McCarthy. “My time with Mac has helped me grow as a person through our extensive activities in Seminar,” Bunt said. “This profound man has shaped me as a person.”

Fun-Hating Miser Blocks Ultimate Practical Joke by Band Students
Schroeder uses supreme authority to say no to ‘Wake Up With the Band.’

Clearly showing a distaste for all things associated with the band, Hempstead teacher Dennis Schroeder overstepped the authority of band director Shane Oswald in tampering with the results of a popular band fundraiser.

Numerous students involved in the band program pooled money to buy raffle tickets for “Wake Up With the Band,” a fundraiser in which the person buying the ticket writes down the name and address of someone the buyer usually has a distaste for. If the ticket is drawn, the entire Hempstead marching band will arrive on the front yard of this poor unfortunate soul. Select band students spent upwards of $40 dollars, with each ticket bearing the name of D.C. Schroeder.

When Schroeder learned of the scheme to disrupt his “private” weekend, he immediately approached Oswald, and strictly informed him that if any band was at his house “charges and restraining orders would be filed.”

When all sales were said and done, the winning ticket belonged to Matthew Stemper, with Schroeder’s name and address attached. The despicable band director submitted to the will of the all-powerful A.P.U.S. teacher, fearing what would happen if he followed through with the contest.

“I have a right to my privacy,” Schroeder later explained. “I live a very quite lifestyle and I don’t want to have my weekend disrupted.” The EqOnion will let its readership speculate as to why a lifetime bachelor could not spare a few moments of his weekend to help support a worthy cause.

Hostage Crisis Leaves Cross Country, Band in Shambles
Shocking displays of desperation, greed exhibited by band director.
Click Here'

Thursday night’s showdown with the Iowa City West Trojans was supposed to focus on football, not on marching band and cross country. A desperate control for power, however, shifted the focus away from the gridiron.

Due to a scheduling conflict placing a cross country meet located in Cedar Rapids and the football game band show both on Thursday night, chaos ensued. Hempstead band director Shane Oswald exploded at both administration and band/cross country students over their proposed absence from the marching band field.

“Cross country runners will not be allowed to miss the football game,” Oswald said, “Swimmers, however, are free to miss as many games and competitions as they desire.”

From this, the hostage negotiations ensued. Coach John Penning approached Oswald, and after much heated discussion, the trading began. The negotiations centered on beret-wearing sousaphone players Matt “Big-10" Cowboy” Stemper and Josh “Barrel Chest” Weinhold. Undoubtedly the two most important people in the band, it was evident both men could not skip band to run cross country.

Stemper became the “sacrificial lamb,” allowing the more valuable Weinhold to run at the cross-country meet. C-Mac, Buffer Boy, and Chip-Skunk were traded to the band for 30 pairs of undergarments and a player to be named later.

Brooke Baker, Cory Tuegel, Kelsey Stokel, and Meredith Moodie were unavailable for comment.

“Buffer Boy” Continues Prowess of Writing Horrible Stories
Ian's articles have been posted for everyone's enjoyment.

While the utter lack of talent shown by Ian “Buffer Boy” Moodie has been a running inside joke among EqOnion staffers for weeks, his stories have finally been released in their entirity for the public's entertainment.

The Equestri-Onion has finally devoted an entire page to the work of young Moodie, where his horrible writing skills can be displayed for the whole world to see. His stories can be read over and over again, but the hilarity never ceases. Feel free to send comments on Ian’s journalistic incapabilities to eqonion@mchsi.com

Click to View All of Ian's Unedited Articles

Hempstead Student is Star of Popular Internet Video.
Mason Hoffman’s lightsaber skills have been viewed by millions of star wars nerds worldwide.

Long believed to be no more than a mistreated, overweight, troubled youth from Canada, recent speculation has led unnamed sources to believe that the mysterious Gyslain , a.k.a. Star Wars Kid is actually believed to be Hempstead student Mason Hoffman.

According to internet reports, Gyslein has always dreamed of being a Jedi Knight. Using a television studio at his high school, Gyslein filmed himself waving a golf-ball retriever around, while making light saber-like noises. Rival Jedi Knights obtained the video footage and mass-marketed the film on the web. Since the release of the video, “Star Wars Kid” has become the most downloaded film on the internet.

Although Gyslein is believed to reside in Canada, new details have surfaced that leads EqOnion sources to believe that SWK is actually a Dubuque citizen.

“I’m not saying I can be quoted on this, and this is definitely off-the-record,” said an undisclosed source, based out of Oral Roberts University, “but Star Wars Kid certainly appears to be Mason Hoffman.”

“There is no doubt in my mind that Mason Hoffman is Star Wars Kid,” said an unnamed Hempstead administrator, who chose only to be identified as the Bug Czar. “I mean, the likeness is just unmistakable.”

Gyslain’s supposed parents have filed a lawsuit against the students who put the footage on the web, but thanks to this EqOnion report, all charges will be dropped, and Mason Hoffman will finally receive the credit he deserves.

Click to View Mason's Hit Video

T - Munny Craze $weeps America
Rap sensation just doesn't care.
Click to View More Pics

50-Cent, look out! Jay-Z beware. G-Unit, watch it! There's a new bad ass in town : T- Munny.

T- Munny's P.I.M.P.a-licious debut single, "Strip Bars When Finished" recently reached number one on the Top 40 Charts. The song, rapped with gangstas Half-Buck and 2 Quarta, is expected to replace "In da club" as rap song of the century.

The young rapper's popularity sky-rocketed after being bestowed an honorary membership in the Nerd Squad, a prestigious group of dorkwads plotting to gain world-domination through the disciplines of Economics, Science, and urban hip-hop. T-Munny gratiously accepted this distinction in a press conference Wednesday night. "This is the defining moment in my career. I never imagined I would ever gain the respect of such a distinguished legion of fricken losers."

T-Munny is especially popular among college and 20-some ladies. First year English teacher Andrea Griswold commented "I would give up any man for T-Munny. Any man..." Ninteen-year-old Amy "drop-out" Hansel could barely retain her reverence of the rapper with the two words, "Jake who?"


At a recent Cross Country practice, T-Munny found himself all alone in the center of the circle the Boys of Fall were stretching in. When confronted about this event, T- Munny silenced the critics by exclaiming, "I don't take no stock in circles."

Luke Kutsch then proceeded to soil himself in fright.

Stemper Found to be Long-lost Native American Chieftain
After years of wandering in a wilderness of confusion and mystery, the Sac-and-Fox tribe once again has a leader to guide them out of the darkness.
You no mess with chief  'big dick cowboy'

While many thought junior Matt Stemper’s strange change in skin color was a result of his summer job life guarding at Sutton Pool, an announcement made today by Sac-and-Fox council members confirms Stemper’s true ancestry.

According to EqOnion historians and tribe officials, Stemper’s great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather was the Sac-and-Fox’s last true chieftain, named Buffalo Stampeder. Stricken by the death of Buffalo Stampeder in a skirmish with a warring nation of grizzly bears, the chief’s family went into hiding and successfully integrated into white culture in Dubuque.

“After the disgraceful tragedy that occurred in the Stampeder household, it was just too difficult for them to go on,” said a Stemper family spokesperson, “we were hoping to keep the children’s heritage a secret from them by shortening the name, but eventually, Matt’s true colors shown through.”

“We have been searching many, many moons for new leader to guide us,” said Sac-and-Fox council member John Running Bear, “this new man make tribe big dog again.”

Stemper was more than happy to accept the role of chieftain. “This is only the beginning,” said Stemper during a press conference today, “to those who overlook the true power of the Sac-and-Fox tribe, beware! Today, the true revolution begins!”

EqOnion political analyst D.C. Schroeder commented that before becoming an Indian chieftain, young Stemper had hinted at taking over the world through socialism and “thought-control.” When asked about his socialist theories, Stemper declined to comment.