"we jump to conclusions so you don't have to"

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Bush Preemptively Attacks Caribbean Sea
Strategic strikes will end hurricane assaults.
Let the eagle soar.

“We will no longer stand for the complete lack of concern for human life recently displayed by the Caribbean and its weapons of mass destruction,” declared President Bush earlier today at a press conference at his ranch in Texas.

While the scientific principles behind the attack are still uncertain, advisers to the president are certain the preemptive measure is not only necessary, but possible.

”The United States will no longer stand for blatant attacks by freedom haters like Ivan, Francis, and Charles. If we weren’t meant to do this, God Almighty would not have given us this power. Now, let Operation Soaring Eagle commence!” exclaimed a lively John Ashcroft at the Bush ranch.

Sequester the storms.

“The basic idea behind the attack is to “scorch the sky” to create perpetual thunderstorms over the ocean. With these constant storms, no hurricane of mass power will be able to form,” explained Earth Science Educator Nathan Oswald. “Not only with this measure protect the Florida Gators from hurricane season, it will also destroy any attempts by solar-powered AI machines to invade Miami Beach.”

When asked about the devastating effects Operation Soaring Eagle could have on the tourism based economies of nations such as the Bahamas, Jamaica, and the Dominican Republic, Bush replied with eloquence and reason. “We will provide temporary assistance to any nations affected by this freedom-loving attack, but only enough to get them started in new sectors of the economy, such as petroleum and cattle ranching. These countries will want a hand-up, not a hand-out. If I can get a job as president, those Jamaicans can get good manufacturing jobs with high quality employers, such as McDonald’s.”

While speaking at the Bush ranch, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice refuted the harsh criticisms of intellectuals on the effectiveness, legality, and ethicality of Operation Soaring Eagle. “These naysayers are only freedom hating Americans, determined to undermine all the Bush administration has accomplished. If they don’t like it, they can get the hell out!”

Dubuque Mourns Loss of Creative Talent
EqOnion staff members rapidly flee from tri-state area.
It's not funny; this brain drain will ruin the local economy

Principal David Olson mourns the loss of the beloved EqOnion staff.

Hempstead High School and the Dubuque community have been stricken with grief and chaos as pandemonium has broken out in the streets in cities across the tri-state area. With all but one of the current EqOnion staff members headed to institutions of higher learning, many fear that the EqOnion will no longer remain, ceasing to bring guidance to the lives of people across the globe.

"This sudden exportation of creative talent is quite the shock to both the economic and fundamental foundation of this community," Dubuque mayor Terry Duggan said in an interview last month. "A lack of EqOnion updates has left the people of this great city to wander aimlessly through their lives, with no direction, no hope, and no reason to live."

Rest assured, EqOnion senior editors say, this site ain't going nowhere.

"Despite the lack of remaining satirical talent at Hempstead High School," senior editor Josh Lichti said, "the EqOnion is not a thing of the past. In fact, it's far from it. This site will continue to thrive, continue to be a beacon to a world clouded with hatred and doubt. Our light of satire will offer guidance to all!"

"Our content matter will be different of course," Josh Weinhold said at a press conference that attracted a crowd of Kerry-like proportions. "We can no longer keep up with the ongoing soap opera that is Hempstead High School. We need new, younger talent to keep us up-to-date on the happenings of this esteemed institution."

Now that all staff members are settled into various colleges across the Midwest, regular updates will continue. However, the current staff will be undergoing a search process at Hempstead, looking for creative talent to continue to provide content centered in on the high school. If you think you have what it takes to be an EqOnion staff member, contact the webmaster, or send an e-mail to Josh Lichti or Josh Weinhold through the links on the staff page.

Iraqis Put Jelly on their Waffles
US Prison guards don't respond well to anti-harassment campaign.

Rations of peanut butter and other assorted edibles dropped from a plane? No. The United States Army has decided to give the Middle East some Jelly instead.

Desperately trying to find a way to look like he really cares, Donald Rumsfeld has authorized the Government Printing Office to make 10,000 copies of the infamous "It's Not Funny!" anti-harassment posters to place in prisons in Afghanistan and Iraq.

"It's quite funny…oops…it's not funny! We need to show the people in the Abu Ghraib prison that we really did liberate them!" he said today.

This latest round of "shock and awe" has created a frenzy in the outskirts of Baghdad, where brightly-colored clowns have traditionally been treated with repugnance.

"Allah akbar! He's too busy thinking and reporting to pray five times a day!" said an unidentified Iraqi prisoner who did not think happy clowns were a good way to stop harassment. "Jihad will work instead."

Lynndie England and the other abusers have been struggling to grasp the concept of kindness toward the prisoners. Tearing down these posters resulted in court-marshals and reassignments to Fallujah patrol for these lowly soldiers.

While the prisoners have tried to utilize this plan, many think that Jelly will only be useful as wallpaper for now.

"I stopped. I thought. I reported. But Rummy just shooed me away!" said another prisoner. A printing mistake forced many of these posters to be printed in English, further hindering their effectiveness.

Jelly himself was supposed to make an appearance of goodwill at Abu Ghraib to promote his campaign of kindness. However, his stunt double, Hobo Louie, who was sent to prepare the locals, was stoned and flogged throughout Iraq. Instead, Jelly stickers will be used as passports in and out of security checkpoints.

United Nations Demands EqOnion Update
46 day dry spell ends with passage of resolution.

Outraged with the lack of creative productivity from EqOnion Headquarters over the past month and a half, the United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution Friday demanding the satirical website update its content.

“It is absurd to deprive the people of the world the rights to read wonderful, high-quality satirical journalism,” U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. “It was time the U.N. act and put a stop to this, for the benefit of people everywhere.”

The resolution did not take long to pass, as almost every nation was in agreement that the site desperately needed an update. The 191 national leaders felt that in a world riddled with controversy and ill-feelings, satirical journalism, namely material based out of Dubuque, Iowa, continue to brighten the days of billions around the world.

The lack of an update became readily apparent when students all over the Midwest began to demand an update. The students decided to start a petition, and acquired over 3 million signatures from the EqOnion’s biggest fans, before finally sending the letter to the delegation of nations. U.N. bigwigs immediately drafted a resolution and brought it to the floor, and the resolution passed unanimously, needing only 5 minutes of debate.

U.N. leaders then immediately contacted EqOnion executives, demanding that the site be updated immediately. The EqOnion staffers were informed that if they did not comply with the U.N.’s demands, Iowa would be invaded and occupied by U.S. troops until the site was “safely in U.S. hands.”

“Well, some of the site has been updated,” Josh Lichti offered in explanation. “We apologize for the delay, but we always felt tomorrow would be better.”

Host Family Shocked by Nerd Squad’s Antics
‘Mom’ walks downstairs to discover rather frightening scene.
I'm too sexy for my pants

The Boyd family knew they were in for a headache when they saw the four bumbling upperclassman walking across the gym. What they didn’t realize, however, was that this headache would grow exponentially into a concussion over the next two days.

At the annual Tri-II music festival, the host school has hometown families house the visiting students for the two day period. Abby Boyd, senior piano player in Freeport’s orchestra, was the lucky winner who had the honor of housing Cory McDermott, Ian Moodie, Matt Stemper and Josh Weinhold for the festival. It didn’t take long for her to become extremely frustrated with the guys.

“I was worried I was going to get a bunch of ugly people,” the Boyd daughter said. “But instead I got a bunch of weird, nerdy ugly people.”

The awkwardness didn’t really start until Mama Boyd entered the picture. Charmed by the boys’ charismatic politeness and stunningly handsome good-looks, Mrs. Boyd thought these two days of torture may not be so bad after all. Then she went downstairs.

Use to living with only girls in the house, ‘Mom’ forgot to give a warning call before heading into the basement. Stunned silence followed as Mama Boyd arrived at the bottom of the steps, only to find two of the guys with no pants to be found anywhere.

C-Mac and J-Dub tried to quickly cover up, with Mac-Daddy reaching for his laptop and Weinhold grabbing a pair of pants. Unfortunately, the sight left Boyd’s eyes blinded and the image indelibly scarred in her mind.

“Um . . .” C-Mac said, “we were just changing . . . or something. Honestly!”

“I’m sorry,” a stuttering Mrs. Boyd said. The poor lady then ran upstairs and had to be rushed to the hospital in order to prevent further emotional and psychological damage.

EqOnion Set to Kick Off Massive Advertising Campaign
New eye-catching ad set to appear in Thursday’s Equestrian.

Suffering from a lack of readers due to an April Fools joke gone awry and continued efforts by the new ‘Axis of Evil’ (more on them at a later date), the EqOnion is kicking off a brand-new campaign in order to attract an even broader base of readers.

The Punk’ing, which involved a convincing letter claiming that the Onion was forcing a shutdown of the EqOnion, worked a little too well. Many Hempstead students, namely underclassman, believed the whole thing to be true, and since then, have not come back and visited the site. In order to bring them back, a 3-by-3 inch ad will appear on page 4 of Thursday’s Equestrian.

“Our Punk just went a little too well,” webmaster Josh Lichti said. “It was better than we could have expected, however, we underestimated the gullibility of our readers. We decided to splurge and get some advertising space in this (great) media outlet.”

The ad, designed by graphics guru Bert Lombardi, depicts a strange looking old woman telling everyone to ‘Represent.’ In fact, the picture can easily be found by going to Google and image-searching for “funny grandma.” It’s the first result. No joke. The ad also lists the domain name for the world’s greatest satirical news website below it.

Although the logo of the EqOnion is nowhere to be found on the ad, it is eye-catching nonetheless.

“Out focus group asked us what a cowboy grandma had to do with the EqOnion,” Josh Weinhold said. “And the answer is, absolutely nothing. But hey, what on our website in the last two years has actually had a point to it anyways.”

So kiddos, check out the ad in the next Equestrian, and tell your friends that the EqOnion is here to stay.

Um, wow. So people actually take us seriously. As a web site where everything is made up, you can imagine how hard it is to come up with a good April Fool’s joke. We were left to punk our readers with a story about the EqOnion being shut down. It’s a fake, we’re not going anywhere, we’re not being sued or shut down. Relax, satirical journalism will always reign at Hempstead.

From this prank, we’ve realized there’s three types of people. There were the ones who knew it was a prank right away, thankfully most of these people kept the secret to themselves. There were the people who kind of thought it might be real, but weren’t sure. They came up to us persistently wanting to know what was going on. Then there were the people who full-out believed it. When I left school Friday, I had three voice mail messages from people from out-of-town that were so sad the site was shutting down. Wow people, you’re gullible. I’m surprised anyone would take anything we did seriously. Ever.

Anyways, the EqOnion is here to stay. So keep on reading. And don’t forget to wear you EqOnion apparel to school on Wednesday. It’s our third National Wear Your EqOnion Shirt To School Day, so display your satire-spirit boldly.

Editor's Note: For those of you who missed the notice, it can be found here

Fake scholarship causes ‘shock and awe’ among A.P. Lit class
Quartet of student pull utimate prank.

Editor’s Note: This is probably the most true and accurate story the EqOnion has ever posted. The nature of this event is hilarious enough without any exaggeration. The following is an account of the greatest punk’ing in Hempstead history.

Last Monday, Susan Swift received a note in her Hempstead mailbox. It was a flyer from the ‘Society for the Preservation of Literature in Iowa,’ and was informing her of their annual scholarship contest. The organization was offering three $1,000 scholarships to outstanding Iowa English students. To claim the prize, students would have to write an essay comparing and contrasting a book and a movie.

It seemed almost too good to be true. Swifty’s A.P. Lit class would be doing a very similar essay in a matter of days. And of course, she had many outstanding writers in her class with a good chance of winning the contest. She made copies of the essay application and strongly encouraged her students to enter.

There was a catch, however. Swifty would have to write a letter of recommendation for each student entering the contest. While Swifty delighted in being honored to write the letters, she has expressed feelings of them being very time consuming and monotonous. Because of the deadline of the essay, she would have to write about 10 letters in the span of one weekend.

Many students were inspired by the contest and we eager to enter it. The site even had a website, www.spli.org. Last Friday, Josh Weinhold, Josh Lichti, Eric Wilson, and Cory McDermott all arrived in suits, seemingly for the championship Quiz Bowl match. However, they had other intentions in mind.

You see, the whole contest was made up. The quartet and been tricked by the class weeks back and was determined to get revenge. They bought the domain name, created a fake organization, made up the application, planted it in Swifty’s mailbox, and egged the class on to enter it, posing more work for Swifty. That Friday, the group showed Swifty the site and had her click on a special section. On the SPLI website, go to the essay contest page, scroll down to the bottom, and click on the copyright symbol. Many secrets and goodies await you.

Needless to say, Swifty and the class were shocked. They were stunned at how elaborate the scheme was and were amazed at the thoroughness of the guys. They declared it the greatest punk ever. The story has resonated throughout the halls of Hempstead, and the quartet will forever be immortalized for the great practical joke in history.

EqOnion Staffers Hold Class of Students Hostage, Demand Story Ideas
Students held at gunpoint during Spring Wind presenation.

Suffering from severe writers block and an overall lack of creativity, Josh Weinhold and Josh Lichti held 35 students and Principal David Olson hostage during their EqOnion class, as part of the week’s Spring Wind festivities.

Promised the opportunity to hear Weinhold talk about the history of the EqOnion, the group of students got much more than they bargained for during their Spring Wind program.

Noting that the EqOnion had not been updated for almost a full two weeks, the two staffers demanded that the students surrender all their story ideas. None offered any worthwhile solutions, although Olson did provide one humorous story suggestion.

“You should write a story about you guys holding us all hostage and at gun point while demanding story ideas for your pathetic website,” the acclaimed principal said.

“It’s funny you should say that,” Lichti replied, while whipping out a semi-automatic shotgun, “because that’s exactly what we’re doing.”

The two senior editors then demanded that the students supply the website with enough story ideas for the next three months. When the underclassmen would not meet their demands, the terrorists were forced to look elsewhere.

“We called up to the student government office and let President Potter know what the status of the situation was,” Weinhold said. “Fortunately, the administration met our demands. We exchanged all the students for Spring Wind tickets to Deb Stevens’ drum circle, KTY’s fashion show, and Mr. Orr’s dance lessons.”

Despite the fact that all students were present and accounted for, Principal Olson has still not been found. Lichti and Weinhold are thought to have something to do with his disappearance. If you have any information, please contact the local law enforcement authorities.

‘G-Unit’ to be Added to Webster’s Dictionary
Phrase popularized by Pollo Pictures to be added as official synonym of ‘good-bye.’

In a press conference held Tuesday afternoon, executives at Webster’s Dictionary announced their list of new words to be included in their 2004 edition. One notable edition stood out to many Hempstead honors students: ‘G-Unit!’

The phrase or declaratory exclamation originally saw its beginnings at the end of 50 Cent’s popular song “In Da Club.” The rapper shouts the term at the end of the song, and the name also eventually became an offshoot of 50 Cent’s posse. However, the phrase really hit the big-time when it was featured in Pollo Pictures’ summer blockbuster, Gorkonator vs. Executionator.

The character of Windows 3000, played by Matt “Video 2” Stemper, also shouted “G-Unit” while filming was under way. Pollo producers decided to tack the phrase on at the end of the movie, as a way to “bring closure” to such an epic film. Like all slang terms, the phrase took on multiple meanings before finally being dubbed as the new official way to say “good-bye.”

Once the 2003 school year started, there was no stopping the nerds’ new favorite slang term. “G-Unit” quickly turned into “the cool thing to do” and hundreds of Hempstead students (and certain church camp staff) now use the phrase in place of the more common farewell.

“We saw how popular the term had become, and we just had to include it,” Webster’s Dictionary President Phillip Bradley said. “Here at WD, we want to be on the cutting edge of everything. If a 60-year old man walking down the street hears a teenager shout ‘G-Unit,’ we want him to be able to turn to our book and find out what it really means.”

Not all have discarded their normal speech patterns, as certain students at Hempstead feel the term is inappropriate and immature.

“You guys are such dorks,” Katie Potts said during a recent A.P. Lit class. “are you making fun of rappers or something? They have feelings to ya know!”

Outraged by Potts’ statement, those friendly to Pollo Pictures simply replied, “Hey! We’re not dorks, we’re nerds! Get it right!”


Giant Gap in Hallway Wall Reveals Portal to Another Dimension
C-wing calamity: freshman students being whisked away on daily basis.

Everyone has seen it before: a typical passing-time scene. Random chatty freshman girls stand around clogging the hallways, gossiping about God-knows-what. Next thing you know, the wall behind them opens up, sucking them into Dimension X.

While not exactly a typical scenario, scenes like this one have been occurring frequently in the Science Department of Hempstead for almost a month now. A recent rift in the wall of the C-Wing has sent many students flying into oblivion.

While the exact cause of the one-foot gap is unknown, many have been left to speculation.

“I think it was a result of Oz just not being able to tolerate annoying freshman girls anymore,” department chair Brian “Hairless” Howes, referring to AP Environmental Science teacher Nathan Oswald. “He just tore his wall apart, and used his massive brain capacity to open a portal to an alternate dimension.”

The time warp has claimed countless students already and the administration is in rapid damage-control mode.

“This is a terrible tragedy,” Principal David Olson said during a press conference Monday. “While the loss of so many valuable students is extremely hard to deal with, I can’t help but notice how uncongested the hallways have become. I kind of like it.”

Proposed possible solutions to the portal problem including plugging the hole with the ‘Man O’ War’ statue located outside Hempstead, hiring permanent Secret Service officials to guard the premises 24-7, or attaching superglue to a few of Hempstead’s science teachers.

“I tend to favor the proposal involving the superglue and sciences teachers,” Olson said. “It would be a better allocation and use of their true talents and skills. The Hempstead community will be well served through this solution.”

Republicans Revel in School-Squandering, Budget-Balancing Bamboozle
No Child Left Behind prompts closing of every public school nationwide.

Prognosticators who had once thought the federal budget deficit would swell were proved wrong today, when President George W. Bush announced that a new source of revenue has been established.

"Unfunded mandate my ass!" Mr. Bush said in a news conference today. "The mathematically impossible & educationally infeasible No Child Left Behind program has managed to put all of the public schools in the nation on probation. Now, the federal government does not have to subsidize any schools, and we can liberate the Department of Education of their duties."

In other words, the over $60 billion once used to subsidize education can now be put to other uses. Schools will now have to rely on meager, local sources for funding, since not a single school made adequate progress, despite the goals of the No Child Gets Ahead Act.

Cockroaches were the only ones celebrating at Hempstead, where legions of students were preparing to either convert to Catholicism or join the National Guard to save the lives of innocent Iraqis.

Although flags outside of many schools and The Forum were lowered to half-staff to mourn this atrocity, Bush was given 21-gun salutes by the military aboard an aircraft carrier in the Dead Sea. "This'll solve our recruiting problems, since no one will have be able to enter college now! Screw the G.I. Bill!" exclaimed Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Closer to home, communal wine was broken out in celebration at Holy Family Catholic Schools. NCLB had failed to corrode their façade of faith, good PR, and Wahlert sports, and enrollment in their schools jumped four-fold within minutes of Bush's announcement. "Now we can charge TWO arms and TWO legs and get away with it!" shouted an unnamed Wahlert teacher sprinting down Kane Street in celebration.

Feature Articles
Sources Reveal Oswald’s Plans for World Domination After AP Promotion
‘MFBFCS’ building to house band director’s scheme for ultimate power.
bwah hah hah

Most students saw Shane Oswald as nothing but Hempstead’s quick-tempered band director. No one saw inside his twisted mind that hid his mischievous plans - big plans. Plans that no average band director could feasibly achieve.

Many also overlooked Oswald’s recent promotion to a vacant assistant principal position at Hempstead. People saw it as Oswald simply taking advantage of a situation. EqOnion sources have revealed a very different story, however. According to a source close to both the EqOnion and Oswald, the band director’s plan of power promotions does not end with a simple AP job.

The source revealed to an EqOnion writer late Friday night that Oswald has thousands of charts, documents, voice recordings and notes, all meticulously outlining the pickle salesman’s plotted ascension through the ranks, ending in one ultimate goal: complete world domination.

Now, how could a band director achieve such unlikely goals, you ask? The source offered one significant possibility: “Well, he DID just get his master’s degree!”

Oswald’s plan supposedly entails thrusting Principal David Olson from power, then transforming Hempstead High School into the “Musicians’ Foundation Building For Control of Students” (MFBFCS), which would then become operating headquarters for Oswald’s grandiose schemes of supreme authority.

The effects of the plot, intended to begin by next Tuesday, will not be seen immediately by most students. “You see, these things take time,” Oswald explained in press conference. “What I need right now is commitment. I need people to buy into the program so we can take this thing to the next level and see some REAL success.”

David Olson was, as always, unavailable for comment on the subject of Oswald’s quest for power.

School District Proposes New Source of Funds
Bonnie's business plans to offer marajuana to students.
Something tells me this isnt pottery 101

To anyone familiar with the excessively lavender décor that adorns the walls of her office just outside the social studies wing, Hempstead Faculty member Bonnie Erickson is not just an average photo-copy machine expert.

Bonnie, otherwise known as “Bon-Bon,” has played an irreplaceable role in the area of school funding through her staggering success in the sales of candy and trail mix. School clubs and organizations have made more than modest profits as a growing number of students seem to acquire a dependency on that daily sugar from Bonnie’s.

In lieu of this success, various groups have suggested that Bonnie initiate the sale of an additional substance that will increase profits and diversify the market: marijuana.

“Schools are always in need of money, and using the habits of our students to our advantage should prove to be a very efficient method of rasing funds,” said a Hempstead teacher, who preferred to remain anonymous. “And this way, we’re aiming not only at the sweet-tooths, but at the pot-heads as well.”

Members of the school board’s budget committee estimate that, with the extensive amount of marijuana users willing to buy the substance in school, by the next school year, incoming funds will exceed current funds by nearly three-hundred and eleven percent.

The proposed plan would have the school board distribute the extra money to public schools all around the city, hoping to use the extra revenues to improve things such as school lunches, administration offices, and the D.A.R.E. program.

While an overwhelming majority of students are in favor of Bonnie’s potential new market item, there still remains a very small group of dissidents. They suggest that it is immoral for a school to be making such a profit off of its own students. This group also believes that a public school is perhaps an inappropriate place to sell what some consider a “harmful substance.”

“Marijuana is NOT a drug,” says expert Curtis Krogmier in response to this claim. “And even so, this is education we’re talking about, and the marginal benefits of increased revenue greatly outweigh the miniscule, if any, marginal cost that may befall marijuana users.”

Bonnie also agrees. “The stuff I would sell is FDA approved, and these groups want students to be able to rely on me, knowing they can always come to Bonnie’s to get good, clean weed.”

The proposed plan is still being debated on various levels, and a officials hope to reach a consensus before the start of next school year.

Delegate from ‘Paperbageria’ Thrown Out of Model UN Conference After Tirade
Hempstead student causes disturbance at conference, parades around room.

Everything was quiet and all was well at the 2004 Model United Nations conference. All was peaceful until the moderator of the Political and Security Council made one very large mistake.

She disrespected the delegate from Paperbageria. You don’t, under any circumstances, disrespect a delegate from Paperbageria.

By attempting to deny the delegate speaking privileges, paper bags all over the world were denied speaking privileges. Repesentative Richard T. Passanisi, Jr., would not let it stand. He proceeded to go on a tirade that will last forever in the hearts and minds of Model UN delegates.

“You have no right to censor me!” Passanisi shouted. “How can you silence the voices of millions of paper bags across the world? They simply want to live in peace and harmony like the rest of the world! And now their voices are being stamped out, they are being jammed full of groceries in an attempt to force them into menial labor!”

Securtiy officials then attempted to restrain the volatile Passanisi, only to see the delegate, paper bag in hand, storm over to the Paperbagerian flag and parade around the room with it.

“The flag of Paperbageria will wave forever!” he shouted. “You can silence me, but you can’t silence the sound of a paper bag flag flapping in the breeze!”

People for the Ethical Treatmant of Paper Bags (PETPB) is now filing lawsuits against the UN for their failure to represent the will of their people.

“There comes a day when the courage of paper bags will fail, and the will become soaked, dilapidated and broken,” PETPB spokesman Ryan Denman said. “But today is not that day!”

Newly Inducted NHS Member Threatened With Expulsion
Disgusted principal to organize an independent NHS commission to examine failed procedure.
I'm too fake for NHS

It seemed like any other new NHS member's initiation as EqOnion staffer Matthew "Romeo" Stemper walked up to receive his membership card and imitation gold-plated pin, however this was far from the truth. As soon as he approached the honorable Principal Olson, the atmosphere changed faster than you can say "Condoleezza Rice." Instead of the usual "Congratulations!" Stemper received only a "How the hell did you get in here?"

More shocked and awed reactions occurred as he moved down the line of NHS officers. Officer Katie Potts exclaimed "Something must have gone wrong! We need a manual recount of votes until we get the correct results on his reject…er, acceptance."

Vice-president Ryan Denman lashed out with similar repulsion. "This student's acceptance is a national tragedy and a perversion of all that America stands for."

President Dwiju Kumar was unable to be reached for comment, however an anonymous White House informant stated that Stemper acceptance "may be directly linked to September 11."

The independent committee will seek to identify failures in structure, communication, and procedure of both the NHS and HHS intelligence and selection committees. Those scheduled for interview by the committee include President Kumar, Vice-President Denman, Advisors Giunta and DC Schroeder, and Stemper himself.

However, EqOnion Founder Josh Lichti has released a statement on behalf of the highly regarded media conglomerate, commenting that the EqOnion will not allow Sales Representative Matt Stemper to testify siting that "the very integrity and security of the EqOnion, and therefore all of Hempstead High School and America, are at stake."

No reports yet as to how Matthew Stemper actually did get into NHS.

World History Class Indicted in Copyright Infringement Suit
Eqonion’s credidibility forever damaged by fraudulent EqOnion site.

The staff of the EqOnion has recently uncovered one of the greatest copyright scandals of all time. A simple Google search revealed a crime so foul that Dan Gonzalez's Unemployment scandal and the treacherous backstabbing by the Equestrian pale in comparison. This December, a student in Ms. Lueken's world history class forever tarnished the well respected name of the EqOnion by creating an imposter site to publicize their Christopher Columbus trial. We can only guess how many loyal readers have stopped reading the EqOnion after mistakenly believing that horrible abomination was a legitimate EqOnion publication. Media experts have estimated the number to be in the millions.

"This treachery will not go unpunished.” shouted an angry Matt Lichti.

Other staffers had even less printable things to say. "Never in my life have I seen intellectual theft of such magnitude," said founder Niclo Hitchcock, "We here at the EqOnion had a dream. We dreamt that we could create a website that was new and original, a website that wasn’t just blatant ripping-off of other people's material., a website that makes people feel good about themselves, a website like the onion."

On a lighter note, the EqOnion has decided to sue the makers of the EqOnion imposter site, listing Ms. Luken, Kristina Nesteby, and Christopher Columbus as defendants.

"Columbus may have gotten off on charges of killing millions of Native Americans, but he certainly isn't going to get out of this one," vented an enraged Josh Lichti.”

Citing 10 million dollars in lost advertising revenue, as well as a 12 pack of mountain dew in emotional damages, the lawsuit looks to be one of the most financially damaging for Hempstead High School since the infamous Target Jewelry Department vs. Dennis Schroeder case last week.

Legal Analyst and former Hempstead president Jake Freiburger feels that this will be a test case for decency laws in America. "If we allow this sort of copying to continue, there is no telling what we will see next. Copying of music, copying of movies, man on boy relationships, donkey on man relationships, where will it end?"

Not all opinions were negative however. Fraudulently elected Hempstead President and known terrorist sympathizer Justin Potter said, "You guys are just jealous because their site is better. I liked the color of their scrollbar." It should be noted that Potter as well as Vice-President Breitbach are currently awaiting trial for ripping off the famous “Jake and Bob for President” campaign posters.

"I have one thing to say to all you people out there who think you can copy whatever you want, whenever you want," threatened an irate Matt Stemper, "We know where you are, we know what kind of computers you use. Don't f--- with us!"

Government Teacher Eager to Engage in Video Game Party With Nerds
Schwags jumps at opportunity to have Halo-fest with students.

Most teachers are widely respected for their abundance of subject-specific knowledge, assigning death-defying amounts of homework, and generally torturing a large part of the Hempstead student body. However, a discovery recently made regarding a social studies teacher might invalidate all of these centuries-old beliefs.

The students in Karla Schwaegler’s 7th hour A.P. Government class noted at the beginning of the hour that there was a strange neon-green plastic case sitting on her desk. Many students, especially the nerds in the room, were perplexed because the container was clearly identifiable as a case for an X-Box game. Some hypothesized that a student had brought the game in during class, while others were completely perplexed at the video game sighting.

“I was very confused at that abnormality residing on the space-holding unit on the instructor’s desk,” Eric “All-Around Nerd” Wilson said. “Know didn’t I what quite to make of the greeny box square thingy.”

When questioned about the X-Box game, Schwaegler was quick to respond. Apparently, the Iowa Mock Trial Coach of the Year is also an avid gamer.

“Shyeah! I love video games!” Schwags said. “Why bother correcting papers or lecturing when you can play DDR or Myst III?”

When the nerds suggested Schwaegler attend their weekly Halo parties, her eyes almost exploded out of her head at the possibility. The teacher was obviously overexuberant about the chance to show off your virtual slaying skills.

“But . . . we were just kidding,” a reluctant Nerd Squad member replied. “We didn’t actually think you would want to play video games with us.”

Schwaegler was reportedly devastated at the denial of her Halo-playing rights. The teacher’s union plans to take the case to the Supreme Court, stating that the Constitution “does not specifically define Halo parties as a multiple nerds.” It is open for interpretation that the functions can be a union between student and teacher as well.

‘WE DID IT! WE WON!’ Nerds Everywhere Rejoice at LotR Oscar Triumph
Pollo Pictures donates Oscars to Peter Jackson, setting all-time record.
I'm disappointed the academy overlooked me for the best looking director award.

Never had nerds seen such triumph. It was too good to be true. The final installment of Peter Jackson’s masterful trilogy Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King had been nominated for 11 Oscars. Up until the final award, the movie was 10-for-10. All that was left to claim was the award for ‘Best Picture.’ The film was a shoo-in for the award.

Then the announcement came.

RotK had tied the all-time record for most Oscars in one night. Standing alongside was a fellow epic, Ben-Hur, but ranking right up there in trophy numbers was the biggest chic-flick of all time, Titanic. Fans of the movie worldwide were embarrassed at the fact that such a powerful finish to a glorious epic would be forced to share top-honors with an embarrassing sob-story starring Leonardo DiCaprio.

“I was so happy, so thrilled for the whole cast and crew,” movie fanatic Jacob D. Freiburger said. “But soon, my tears of happiness turned to tears of extreme sadness. I was especially devastated when the movie was not nominated for Best Foreign Language Film. I mean, come on, they speak Elvish! How much more foreign can you get?”

As in all times of trouble, there was only one place to turn: Pollo Pictures. The always-generous multi-billion dollar film company, business partners with the EqOnion, made a decision that will go down in Oscar lore.

The production company decided to forfeit their two Oscar wins, donating them to fellow movie genius Peter Jackson. The two donated awards brought RotK’s total count up to 13, establishing it as the new all-time record holder.

Pollo Pictures captured the two trophies earlier in the evening for its work on Gorkonator vs. Executionator, this summer’s biggest blockbuster hit. Branden Tokheim won for ‘Best Lead Role Impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger,’ and producer Josh Lichti took home the hardware for ‘Best Short Film Involving Time-Traveling Killer Robots.’

"We had to do it," Pollo President Lichti said. "What else could men do against such reckless hate by the Academy? We were forced to ride out and meet them, for death, glory, and all-time Oscar supremacy."

Jelly ‘The Anti-Bullying’ Clown Gets Beat-Up at School Visit
Student exclaims ‘that’s not funny! . . . it’s hilarious!.'

A new advertising campaign started by the Dubuque Community School District featuring Jelly the Clown is having adverse effects on many . . . especially on Jelly.

On a recent visit to a certain Dubuque high school, Jelly received a less-than-inviting welcome. The clown was visiting the school to speak about the harmful consequences of discrimination, bullying and harassment. The theme of his presentation, ‘It’s Not Funny!’ was designed to teach children about how devastating insults can be emotionally, mentally and physically. The warm, friendly, inviting high school students then proceeded to ‘throw a beat down’ on the hapless clown.

“My self-esteem was raised immeasurably because of my ‘interaction’ with that clown,” an unnamed student said, “that definitely wasn’t funny . . . it was hilarious!”

Some district bigwigs questioned the potential effectiveness of an anti-harassment clown among high school students but were quickly swayed by proponents of the issues.

“I mean, it’s obvious. Take Barney the Dinosaur, the Teletubbies, Pokemon . . . all have had great success in influencing the lives of our best and brightest high school students,” Equity Opportunities Director Kris Hall said. “We figured, why not Jelly the Clown? He’ll be a great success.”

Many students have been left to speculate as to the actually identity of Jelly.

“My first inclination was that it was Schroeder,” Branden “Toker” Tokheim said. “Then I started to think it was Burns, or either of Hempstead’s Olson twins. I’m not sure, who knows?”

After the recent beat-down of the poor entertainer, many are left questioning why someone would subject themselves to such utter embarrassment.

“The violence shown by the students is a symbol,” a district executive said, “it’s a SYMBOL. Violence stands for the unrest seeded deep with our own hearts, concerning society, our lives, and our world. It’s a SYMBOL.”

EqOnion Staffer Finally Found After Four Weeks in Hiding
Mysterious disappearance connected to church camp, ‘North Scott’ girl.
I'm back!!

After going almost a month without being seen by any Dubuque resident, EqOnion senior editor Josh Weinhold finally returned from church camp with a new nickname and a new hair color.

Friends back home at Hempstead were left wondering, as the only specifics given about Weinhold’s location were ‘at some church camp for some retreat.’ The retreat was only supposed to last for the weekend, but when Weinhold failed to attend class for the next three weeks, some began to worry.

“I mean, I know these camp people are pretty cool, because they showed us where the communal wine was at New Year’s,” Lauren “Swimma’ Playa’” Liaboe said, “but they can’t be THAT much cooler than us – can they?”

Dubuquers were amazed when on a Saturday night – the same evening as the Nathan-Jung Flora-Park Car-Snow-Drift Embarrassment Don’t-Let-My-Parents-Know Do-Whatever-You-Want To-My-House Incident – Weinhold magically reappeared, acting as if nothing had happened. Many were amazed, and some were left questioning.

“Um . . . what’s your name again?” said an astounded Chelsea Griswold.

It didn’t take long for the Nerd Squad to discover the true reason for “J-Dub’s” absence. A student only identified as ‘North Scott Girl’ has been closely linked to Weinhold’s truancy from school. This unnamed camp girl supposedly has an influencing effect on the poor boy, controlling his decision-making skills and senses of reason.

“Geez . . . with all these girls Josh picked up at church camp, maybe I should start becoming more religious,” Liaboe said. “Now I know the REAL reason he likes it so much!”