Dear Faithful Readers –
It is with the utmost sincerity and sorrow that we write to you for the last time. It has been an honor and a privilege to bring high-quality satirical journalism to you for over a year now. We here at the EqOnion have enjoyed this wild ride of web design, forging dozens of memories and bringing smiles to the faces of readers across the nation. It has been an amazing journey, beginning with Jake Freiburger and his almost-syphilis and ending tragically with greedy, powerful competitor satirical newspapers.
Apparently not everyone in cyberspace finds our site to be funny and original. On Thursday, April 1, EqOnion Founder and Webmaster Josh Lichti received a shocking letter. According to the letter, executives from The Onion have discovered our wonderful website. Since The Onion is a trademarked name, they feel we are in direct violation of their government-registered title. They demanded that the site be completely shut down in one week’s time, or face subsequent legal consequences. In order to not create controversy and prevent any drawn-out legal scandal, we have decided to comply with The Onion’s demands and shut down the EqOnion permanently.
However, we have been granted permission to post one final story. This “last-hurrah” of the EqOnion will be posted on Wednesday, April 6. The story will be posted at approximately 3:00 pm on Wednesday, but then will be removed by noon the next day and the EqOnion will completely shut down by midnight on the 8th, before the deadline set by The Onion. While the EqOnion will not fight a multi-million dollar organization in court, we do ask that our readers protest their actions by showing support for the EqOnion. We ask that on Wednesday, April 7, all true fans and devotees of our website wear their EqOnion apparel. We hope it will be one last triumphant show of support for our beloved website before its destruction in one short week.
Unfortunately, due to the legal implications of this issue, we cannot give out any other information at this time. The only things we are allowed to tell you have already been mentioned in this letter. We ask that you refrain from asking any EqOnion staff members about this topic, as many of them are not even allowed to view the letters from The Onion. All we ask is that you show your support for the EqOnion and wear your t-shirts on Wednesday, April 7, and then view the EqOnion’s final story that same day. Once the website is completely shut down, the letter will be publicly displayed and we can answer any and all questions.
Once again, we have thoroughly enjoyed bringing satirical news to you and it is with great sadness that we write to you for the final time. We now must force our readers to “jump to their own conclusions” because we are unable to do so any longer.